Cameron Diaz

[Photo: Splash News]

ASHTON: Hey, Cameron! Nice to see you here! You look fantastic.

CAMERON: Hi, Ashton! You... are also here!

ASHTON: Oh, you're so funny. But seriously, I know you've had a really tough time lately with your father passing away and everything, so I just wanted to tell you that you look beautiful and we're all here for you.

CAMERON: That's so nice, thanks, Ashton. I... like your tie.

ASHTON: ... That's it?

CAMERON: You also have good teeth, I think.

ASHTON: Come on, man!

CAMERON: What? I'm just telling it like it is. 

ASHTON: Okay, I'll let it slide this time, because I meant what I said. We love you and we're all happy to see you back and feeling better and looking fantastic.

CAMERON: Aw, thanks. And I don't TOTALLY hate what you're wearing. I just wish you didn't look like you forgot to shower after hiking Runyon Canyon.

ASHTON: ...Yeah, fair enough. Let's go watch the movie and then send Justin some cameraphone pictures of your legs.

CAMERON: Ooooh, and can we do one of me dancing in my underwear and shaking my butt at the camera?

ASHTON: Duh! That's, like, your signature move!

CAMERON: AWESOME!

Last year I wrote that Cameron Diaz's white Oscar gown "inspired me to plug in my iron." Which I remember not because I am so amused at myself, but rather because her gown this year felt like an equally dusty "before" shot from an ad extolling the glories of spray starch.

Last year it felt like a linen napkin; this year, it's a bedsheet, and -- it must be said -- possibly a very low thread-count bedsheet she bought from Target because her old linens smelled like Justin and so she had to burn them.

It doesn't get much better from the back:

Cameron Diaz spent most of her I'm Over You, Justin Timberlake, And Everyone Please Also See My New Movie Shrek  World Tour looking pretty great. And while I get that it was really hot at Live Earth here, and that a concert is naturally a casual event, there's something about this outfit that is less I'm Over You and I Look Awesome and a lot Bitchy 8th Grader Addressing Her Fellow Cheer Camp Attendees:

"Listen, you guys, the next person who drops the Spirit Stick gets KP for a week, I seriously mean it. And to the person who put those garter snakes in my bunk, I am totally going to find out who you are and you are going to be seriously so, so sorry.  I mean it. You're dead. Okay, guys! That's it! Have an awesome day!"

Cameron Diaz has heard it from us in the past. But she has been hitting it out of the park this week,  with the exception of her tragical braided romper. Maybe she's just got better taste as a blonde? Or maybe the Justin Timberlake break-up fueled rage has finally faded and she's seeing clearly now, and what she sees is that there is no better way to stick it to your ex than showing up somewhere you know he's going to be, totally rocking your hot legs, looking generally like since he's been gone, you can breathe for the first time.

I just love this. I love the color, I love the pockets, I love how slim it is through the shoulders while still being very flattering in the bustral arena. I love her shiny, slightly slutty shoes (and I mean that in the best way possible -- moderately trashy yet expensive shoes are the best way to keep something this sweet from being too terribly saccharine). It's perfect for a daytime premiere, because she doesn't look like she's trying too hard but she's also avoided looking like she doesn't give a shit. Basically, I am longing for someone to knock this frock off so I can buy it in red and black and grey and blue and white. Like, immediately.

I guess singledom is the new black -- it's been flattering on just about everyone in Hollywood lately. Well, except for La Lohan, but these days, nothing is going to work too well for her -- except perhaps being locked in Dr. Phil's house for a month, at which point she will become so hypnotized by his braying voice and disapproving mustache that she'll stop putting things up her nose and learn to love her liver for a little while, and then go on a Very Special Oprah in which she weeps about how the Winfrey Empire has saved her life while Oprah sheds a tear and then brings Rachael Ray on to cook some Recovery Cheesecake. So come on, Terrifying Life Experts (and Rachael): We're counting on you.

Back to the matter at hand: Hot single people. When Rosario Dawson was with Jason Lewis, she went through a phase of unfortunate bangs and frequently looking a little unshowered, not to mention that she paraded around in a lot of ill-fitting clothes.

So while I'm sure it was a tough breakup, I'm pleased to see her coming out of it looking generally much better.

The skin is great, her bangs have grown in nicely, and I'd like to buy her shoulders.

Unfortunately for her, she chose a great color on a really boring dress -- and while we'll take boring over, say, giant cut-outs over the ass in the shape of the Oakland Raiders logo, poor ol' Rosario had the misfortune of stepping into this thing on a night when Cameron Diaz did it better. While I have nothing against Rosario (except perhaps the movie Rent, but that wasn't really her fault; people, grow up and pay your freaking rent and stop whining), I think you'll agree that Cam took this concept from average to totally awesome.

At least Cameron ditched the awful red lipstick and softened up her hair color, although we wish she would get it the hell out of her face:

But otherwise, this is kind of an uninspiring sequel to her strangely bridal post-breakup dress at the Golden Globes. Well, that's not entirely true -- it has inspired me to plug in my iron. More than just the strange sailor neckline, I hate that she looks like she's sewn herself into an enormous linen napkin. Thank God they don't serve a meal at the Oscars, or else we could have been in for an incredibly awkward confrontation when an absent-minded Jessica Biel wiped her mouth on Cameron's collar, and Cameron responded by ramming a champagne bottle in her ear and screaming, "Try to work THAT off by running stairs, bitch!" And then, we're all catfights in lily ponds -- totally our cup of tea, actually, and our money's on Cam (definitely a hair-puller, she looks like she might also be a biter) but when all's said and done, Cam will need a hell of a lot of Oxy Clean to get out the stains. Perhaps she should've let them sponsor her by selling some ad space on her train.

"Why, HELLO, Justin!

That's right: this is what I would have looked like if we'd gotten married. You're not hallucinating: I AM dressed as your lunatic bride. Later tonight, when you're walking out to your car, you might see me sneaking down the street behind you, holding something sharp. I'm not saying that you will. I'm just saying you MIGHT.  Yes, I lost my other strap climbing up that vine outside your window this morning. I wanted to see what you were wearing. I like it. You could have worn that to our wedding. I know I always said I didn't want to get married. Maybe I was just saying that so I seemed like that totally cool girl who didn't care about getting married, because not caring about getting married went better with my reputation as That Girl Who Farts In Front of You and Watches Sports and Dances in Boys Underwear, but maybe I was lying, Justin. Did you ever think of that? Do you ever think about anything? DO YOU? DO YOU? DO YOU EVER THINK ABOUT ANYTHING BUT YOURSELF?

Anyway, yes. This is what I would have worn to our wedding. The happiest day of your life, that isn't going to happen anymore. How do you feel, knowing that now you're not going to have the happiest day of your life? Does it feel GOOD? DOES IT? ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

So. Have a nice night at the Globes. I'm going to. I might just grab a PA and drive to Vegas and make an honest woman of myself. YOU DON'T KNOW."

As she walked away with her trophy for Best Leading Lady, Cameron Diaz caught sight of her reflection in the TelePrompTer and froze in horror. She couldn't tell which was worse: the fact that her dress looked like a funereal homage to Madonna's "Like A Virgin" video, or the fact that it closely resembled an upended, overly ornate Pier 1 Imports martini glass. Suddenly it all made sense -- her personal assistant taking one look at it and sighing that she might as well shove some olives on a toothpick and tape them to the skirt; Andy Dick trying to stick a bendy straw all up in her business; Britney Spears sending her that barely legible text that read, "2 BAD 4U SUCKA, JT NO DRINX DIRTY MARTEENYS, BS RULZ 4EVAAAA."

She knew then it was going to be a long, long night. And that she was going to have to change her mobile number.

Star Magazine is reporting something about Cameron Diaz that I deeply, dearly hope will actually come to pass:

Cameron Diaz won't be wearing a traditional white dress for her wedding to Justin Timberlake. She wants to be married in a traditional Native American dress and has hired a designer to assemble an outfit with beading and moccasins.

Now, before hoardes of teenagers -- and a few adults who need to go outside more often -- hurl themselves onto the sharp spikes of their aborted, doomed love for the Timberlake, please be advised that we have no idea if this rumored wedding is true. But we do know this: Those will be some seriously hilarious pictures.

I have no problem with Native American dress; I just think Cameron Diaz will look ridiculous. And I'm salivating a little.

And Cameron wonders why Justin won't marry her?*

Maybe because her years of hard-living [read: alleged drug use] have caught up with her, and she's looking more and more like an elderly Madonna 2.0 [read: Esther]? Except Madonna would never wear a side ponytail under a fedora.

I can only assume that Cammie is suffering from another outbreak of her infamous acne [I can't wait for the next article in People magazine: "Cameron's Tragic Battle With the T-Zone"], and is covering it up with layers and layers of power, thus explaining her alarmingly chalk-y complection.

Nothing, however, explains the eye-liner.

Except maybe the [ALLEGED!] drugs.

*Since posting this, we have been informed that this picture is rather old. It was forwarded to us by a reader. Overcome by the fug, I didn't check the dates on the photo, and it was used. Mea culpa, mea maxima culpa. We are now therefore dutifully noting that Cameron, apparently, has a long history of fugliness and looked old before her time before we even realized it. However, it must be said that this purple fedora and ponytail probably have not factored into Justin Timberlake's ALLEGED reticence to ring her up. We do, however, stand by the ALLEGED rumors of ALLEGED drug use.