So Heather Graham has been blowing off fashion shows left and right this week, while judging from her sole appearance thus far, she REALLY NEEDS THE HELP:
As a woman in her early thirties, I have recently become obsessed with worrying that I am Dressing Too Young, if only because the whole Mutton Dressed As Lamb look can come off as so tragic. So when I saw this and thought to myself, "this is not how a 38 year old professional woman ought to dress," I wondered if perhaps I was projecting. And I realized that I was. Because no professional woman of any age ought to wear this, unless she is actually a Professional. If you know what I mean.
I realize that Heather Graham is, well, Heather Graham. And that I should show her mercy, because being one of the worst parts of a relatively well-liked movie trilogy like Austin Powers -- and in a role that should have been hard to screw up -- is a tough cross to bear, as is the spectacular failure of her terrible ABC sitcom that bombed despite a marketing campaign so pervasive they all but silkscreened the billboards to my pillowcases. [Cue the headlines: Emily's Reasaons Why Not ... To Watch This Show.]
At any rate, that and the fact that she wore the following to a Diesel event -- and was therefore probably asked to wear it -- almost rescued her from appearing on this page.
Almost.
Even if she was asked to wear that monstrosity, it's she who said yes, and she who slipped it on, and she who posed for photos instead of hiding herself behind the nearest clothing rack; ergo, it's she who bears the responsibility. Not that she doesn't have the figure to pull it off -- she is divinely curvy here -- but because thing is truly stupid.
For a moment I thought perhaps she had it on backwards, and that the bizarre pelvic flap was in fact supposed to go over her derriere, in some sort of risky and strange homage to the bathroom escape hatch in footie pajamas. That wouldn't have made it any better, certainly, but at least more readily explicable. As it is, we just have to sit back and sigh at the quadra-boob it's giving her as she strains against that hastily tied black ribbon -- a tenuous yoke on which her last gasp of modesty relies.
... Man. Seriously? I can't get over it: That is a supremely fugly, fugly crime against denim. I believe the wife of the mayor of Fugtopia wore that to his inauguration.
Heather Graham is so confused:
Pants? Or macrame dress? Pants? Or macrame dress? Macrame dress with nipples showing, or marcrame dress with tank top? And what if none of it matches?
I guess, in long run, we ought to be grateful that she decided to wear everything instead of nothing at all. Even if "everything" includes a dress that she made during arts and crafts that one summer at Camp Kitchiwatchi. Because I think there was a real, real possibility at one point in her event preparation process when she thought about just wearing the dress and the dress alone.
We dodged a bullet, people.
A book, huh? Is it just stuff you already put on the Web site?
Nope, we wrote the whole thing fresh, just for you.
Awesome. In that case, I want to read it!
Thank you! Click here to find out all the details!
