Cate Blanchett

We still question the wisdom of an already incredibly slim woman losing more weight just for a role, which is evidently what Cate Blanchett's game has been. But we're pretty sure she's going to do it no matter what we say, on account of the fact that we don't know her, have never talked to her, and suspect she hasn't had time to play around on the Internet since back when it was called the "information superhighway" and we were all making hilarious acceleration, speeding, and traffic puns.

Ergo, I'm at least pleased to see Cate finding some work-arounds that downplay the fact that her collarbone is about a day away from breaking skin.

With her shoulders covered, she looks distinctly less like a starving alien who's come to Earth to feast upon our amusingly primitive blood. It's much more relaxing.

It's not the dress, per se.

The dress is fine. It's certainly no surprise to see Cate Blanchett in a very unusual yet very metallic frock, but hey, the lady knows what she likes, and usually she has me dripping with envy. That skin! Those eyes! The clothes! Fab.

Today, though, she has me dripping with sandwiches. There's something off about her in the dress, and I can trace it to her weirdly emaciated torso. It makes me immediately want to slather with Jif any carby material I can find -- French bread, Ritz crackers, a throw-pillow -- and shove it into my mouth. Her left shoulder is particularly odd, the way it doesn't quite fit with the bodice.

Take a closer look. If you dare. Warning: may cause zombie paranoia and/or an immediate craving for potatoes.

Our love-hate relationship with Cate Blanchett's fashion sense is rather well documented in the GFY archives, so we're always excited to see what she's going to wear on the red carpet -- adore it or abhor it, we're never indifferent, and that's at least one victory right there.

This year, "love" won. And so I present a series of affectionate haiku-style poems dedicated to her achievement.

Cate loves metallics
like I love potato chips.
But, can't wear those. Boo.

Sexy iron sheath
makes Camelot wish chain mail
could look this gorgeous.

She's a tall, frosty
steel-wool milkshake, minus the
wool. Plus chocolate.

Fair skin is in, yay!
Ditch the bronzer, orange freaks.
Cate proves paleness rocks.

Out of Diet Coke.
Sad. Tortured. Crushed. Off-topic.
Cate: Bring me one? Please?

Guess it's errand time
For Intern George. Cans, please, love!
Plus, I should post this.

Even with that Madonna-chic lace sausage-casing around her arms, my least favorite thing about Cate's gown is the uneven hem. It's the fashion equivalent of a mullet: party in the front, business in the back. And let's face it -- where Fergie's gone, others should fear to tread.

Sometimes Cate Blanchett leaves me speechless at her elegance; other times, merely speechless.

The worst Project Runway contestant could probably put something together in 8 hours that didn't wrinkle, crinkle, bubble, and gap as badly as this electric blue malfunction does. Who is responsible for this art-deco nightmare? Was this a tragic wallpapering accident? Did a one-eyed drunk monkey attack her with pleather and a staple gun? Or has she been to the future, and returned with this weirdly encoded sartorial warning of doom? And if not, can we lie about it, and tell Lindsay Lohan that the unencrypted message on the dress says, "Bury your BlackBerry in the yard -- TRUST US"?

God, I can't wait to see what she comes up with for the Golden Globes. The pendulum is due to swing back to spectacular, but with Cate Blanchett one never can tell.

This photo, quite frankly, scared the bejeesus out of me when I first saw it.

I mean, it's not every day that the classy and generally stylish Cate Blanchett appears to have draped herself in nothing more than some strategically placed gift ribbon, and it's certainly not usual to see her doing so with such an unabashedly proud, come-hither look in her eye, as if to say, "You think this is crazy? YOU HAVE NO IDEA."

Fortunately, the long shot, which showed up a bit later, assuaged my fears that Blanchett was heading for a torrid affair with a straitjacket.

Some fabric does actually belong to all that alienesque gold trim, which means that thankfully, the promise of presents and figgy pudding does not appear to have addled La Blanchett's brain with holiday spirit and turned her into a human ribbon dispenser. So now I can refocus my worry toward on fact that she chose a corset with such weirdly visible boning -- and also, even in spite of the aforementioned constrictive device, on whether she's eating enough. Don't Kidman yourself, Cate. It's not worth it. She almost never looks happy.

Cate Blanchett and I don't always agree on fashion -- not that she ever asks, of course -- but I'll give her this: She often pulls off things that, on their own merits, leave me quite cold.

For example, this getup from a while ago:

I do not care for this. I bristle at the absurdly ethereal collar that makes it look like her head is the centerpiece in a macabre gift basket. And I don't see the point in having sleeves so big you could use them as purses. And yet... maybe I'm going soft in the head, but at the time, I had to hand it to her -- she looks confident, she's standing tall, and she is working it, and that certain Cate Blanchett Aura ended up overshadowing my initial distaste for the clothes. I shrugged it off, ignored this ensemble, and moved along with other fugging.

However, this Cate Blanchett Aura is not impenetrable. It is not a free pass. And it thereby will NOT save her from being roundly chastised for the following grossly misguided piece of whimsy.

Cate Blanchett shocked us with her polka-dot nightmare, but an eagle-eyed reader sent us a photo that proves she took leave of her sartorial senses long before:

This photo is from the November 2003 premiere of The Missing.
Indeed, this Pretty in Pink-esque outfit puts that of Elizabeth from The Apprentice to shame. Cate's is the mourning version of Molly Ringwald's atrocious frock, as if Andie had made a black one in case she decided to beat the life and the tar out of Blaine behind a dumpster rather than shove her tongue down his throat.

Now, it's my understanding that Ms. Blanchett popped out some spawn in April 2004, so she was sporting a maternity bulge here. But that's no excuse. The preponderance of knocked-up celebs has led to some very attractive maternity wear, much of which Sarah Jessica Parker modeled when she was preggers. So there's really no rational reason why Cate chose this: Not flattering, surely not all that was out there... She didn't have to wrap herself up like a sympathy gift at a wake.

Even the woman in the maroon tights and flats that match her dress is looking at her going, "Was she mugged before the party?"

It looks like a depressed Twister mat. With feathers.