Celebrity Terror Watch

Ignoring for a moment why Janice was invited to an awards show celebrating the young and the hot (although, Face No. 3 is settling onto her quite nicely), it's very entertaining to see the Alpha Dog herself showing off her puppies. Photo after the jump, because it's definitely not safe for work.

Andie MacDowell needs to install a warning beeper on her torso. That way, if she accidentally leaves her headlights on, she will be warned:

[Photo courtesy of Daily Celeb.]

Ignoring the humor of her askew nipples, which could be nature or could be the unique nurture of a shitty plastic surgeon: Does she just have particularly bumpy areolae, or are the twins taking a steely stand despite already sporting a pair of those paste-on flowers that are supposed to treat and prevent Nippleitis? In the case of the former: No bra equals no satin. Period. And in the case of the latter... well, ditto; perhaps she should have a blanket stand against this unforgiving fabric. Because, really, I don't know her life. So I certainly don't need to know the contours of her mammaries.

Dear Brooke, Thank you for wearing a bra. Thank you. But... do you not understand how bras and shirts work together?

[Photo courtesy of Daily Celeb.]

BLACK bra, Brooke. BLACK. Not white. Not even off-white. Black. You can get a very comfortable one for under $40 at Victoria's Secret. Would you like me to take you there? Do you need me to put a black bra in your hand and explain to you what it is, and what its advantages are? And if I do that, can I trust you not to turn around and wear it under a white shirt? I don't think I can, can I? Look, you might have to just call me. I can make you a bra chart. Because clearly, you're not going to get this on your own. Relentless in my crusade to make sure Hollywood and The Bra can coexist in harmony, Heather

Hold onto your hats, guys (unless they are trucker hats, in which case, discard them with a quickness): Bai Ling is -- gasp -- clothed:

Look! She's relatively covered! None of her sexual organs are hanging out for the world to see!

It's a mirac...

[Photos by Daily Celeb.]

Oh.

Figures. And to think, I was all atitter. ... Er, atwitter.

We have a situation, people. It's serious.

You've probably heard the good news about Affleck.  He's managed to fight off the Bloat -- thanks, we suspect, to Jennifer Garner's good influence -- and, despite occasionally appearing in public dressed like nattier version of the Unibomber, seems to be crawling back to being the smarmy-hot Bffleck we hate to love.

Exhibit A:

What you know, however, is that The Bloat is like the plague: highly contagious and almost impossible to contain. It appears that Affleck infected fellow actor Jon Favreau, probably when he appeared with Garner on Favreau's show Dinner for Five.

Please note Exhibits B and C, recent photographs of formerly Chunky But Hunky Favreau. Be aware that these are graphic images.

Exhibit B: Favreau with wife at Hide and Seek premiere. He appears, in addition to having a severe case of The Bloat, to have contracted Lumberjackitis [note the misuse of plaid.]

Exhibit C: Favreau at the Be Cool premiere.

We here at Bloat Watch are very, very concerned about Favreau. Because he hosts the aforementioned Dinner for Five, and due to The Bloat's high level of contagiousness, it is certainly possible and indeed likely that he will pass The Bloat to countless celebrities unless his case is contained.

Therefore, we have catagorized Favreau's Bloat Level as SEVERE: MY GOD, MAN GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF, both due to its severity and due to the danger it poses to the Hollywood community. [For your elucidation, a complete chart of The Bloat Terror Levels is included in the Appendix.] We are asking all of you on the task force to be on the alert. If you see Favreau, please take precautions, such as throwing wheatgrass juice on him; chasing him away (which will both get you away from his contagion, and force him to exercise); or speaking to him seriously about the dangers of the Bloat, which include: death, ending up on the cover of The Star under the headline "LOOK WHO GOT FAT?", and being shamed into a recurring role on Fat Actress.

Thanks, guys. Be safe out there.

Appendix: BLOAT WATCH TERROR LEVEL CHART

Don't go getting all excited, but it appears that Sydney Bristow may have finally vanquished her most formidable opponent: Ben Affleck's rampant, spreading bloat and its most cherished companion, puffiness.

Voila:

Should I lay off the smack, or does it appear that he's getting close to his fighting weight again? He hardly barely looks water-logged at all.

Well played, Ms Garner. Well played.

Having watched this season's premiere of Saturday Night Live, I was relieved to see that Ben Affleck seems to be getting his horrible creeping bloat somewhat under control. His body appears considerably less squashy -- thanks to a man-corset? You didn't hear it from me -- although his undereye bags still make him look like he recently regained consciousness in the alley behind the local Boobs 'n' Booze. He remains a mere shadow of his former handsome self, to be sure, and he certainly seemed steeped in bitterness at certain points during the episode, but it does seem as though Jennifer Garner is forcing him to take first baby steps toward debloatification, although she's been unable, as of yet, to completely irradicate the fine sheen of flop sweat that seems to engulf him 24/7.

To wit:

Sadly, I guess he's still too mired in the slow motion trainwreck that is his life -- and those, my friends, were his words, not mine -- to shave.

Ladies and gentleman, the Ben Affleck's Delightful Downward Spiral of 2004 Photograph of the Day. Bon Appetit!

He's bloated! He's sunburned! He's disoriented! He's got a cigarette tucked behind his ear! The only thing that differentiates him from the homeless guy who asked me for a quarter and blow job this morning while I was waiting for the light to turn on the corner of Pico and Sawtelle is...no, not the mildly retarded gleam in his eye, nor the ratty shirt, but rather the Oscar on his mantle! Applause! Applause!