Emmy Awards

When I saw this woman in this outfit arrive at the Emmys last night, I thought to myself, "What the hell is Alyssa Milano DOING?" And when I spoke to Heather later that evening, I said to her, "Did you see Alyssa Milano? She was wearing some kind of TRAGIC RUFF." And apparently the dudes at our photo licensing house had the exact same conversation, because this photo was marked "Alyssa Milano" and even ones correctly identified were just stuck in the "Alyssa Milano" section, as though she was close enough:

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Of course, this is NOT Alyssa Milano, and is in fact habitual fuggee Christina DeRosa doing a very decent impression of La Milano, who, I'm sure, was at the Dodger game last night and is this very morning sending out a mass email to make sure that everyone she knows is aware she would never go to the Emmys in...this. And especially not carrying what looks like a ceramic fan-purse. La DeRosa, on the other hand, is at home applauding herself in the mirror, both for getting so much attention and for managing to get to the Emmys on the strength of what appears to be -- thanks to the handy PR dude behind her -- called Sex Chronicles for HBO. The new Real Sex, I presume? Then surely, we'll be seeing her again.
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"Hello? Can someone out there help me? I am REALLY HUNGRY. Seriously. I gave up anything with texture about five months ago and now I look like Lara Flynn Boyle and I am STARVING and, seriously, if someone doesn't give me something to chew I am going to eat this carpet that is so very red, like rare steak... oh, sweet, delicious steak... No. NO, I have to snap out of this. Look, if you have ANYTHING in your purses, will you just toss it into my skirt? I'll catch it. I promise. Granola bars. A Kit-Kat. Even breath mints would be divine. I bet I can fit like three cheeseburgers in here -- plus this sucker is made of Quited Bounty, so it'll absorb all the grease. Please, someone. Anyone. Is ANYONE listening? Hello? HELLO?"
Dear Cojo,

So. It's come to this. I should start, though, by saying that I'm sorry you had all that kidney trouble. When Wikipedia told me just now that your last transplant in 2005 went very well and that you're doing swimmingly, I thought to myself, "How nice, because I was sorry he had all that kidney trouble."

But I'm worried that, BECAUSE of the aforementioned medical drama, maybe people aren't telling you certain truths. Like they're afraid your kidney will get upset. But I am not afraid, and indeed believe that all your internal organs will thank me for pointing this out: I HATE your hair.

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No, really. A LOT. The makeup I will forgive, because you are always doing TV and they slather that stuff on with a trowel. Am I thrilled that your outfit looks a bit like the Tin Man dropped some butternut-squash pasta on his neck? No. But mostly, I need to get the hair thing off my chest. Our readers may know Robin Weigert from her work on Life, or Deadwood, but she is nearest to my consciousness because every time I see you, I think to myself, "Why does Robin Weigert have stubble?"

Granted, it used to be worse:
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LO: Hang on a sec... hold still...

LAUREN: What? What is it? Is there something on my dress?

LO: Not exactly... I'm just... where IS it?

LAUREN: Where is what?

LO: The interesting part. I'm SURE it's here somewhere...

LAUREN: I don't understand.

LO: Everyone made such a huge deal out of how you "designed" this dress, and the one that the Emmy girl wore, but... I mean, is there something I'm missing? It's a bit basic, no?

LAUREN: I think it's pretty.

LO: Sure, but... I feel like a child could have designed this. I could have designed this. Hell, AUDRINA could have designed it, and she can't even make eye-contact with things. Is this really the best you could do here?

LAUREN: Well, the Emmy girl's dress is totally different.

LO: How?

LAUREN: There's a strap on one side.

LO: Right. So let me get this straight: You're trying to be a serious designer, but your only ideas involved sketching approximately four lines on a piece of paper and then adding jewelry that is more interesting than the actual semi-maternity cut of the dress? Am I following along correctly?

LAUREN: Audrina's right. You ARE mean.

LO: It's called honesty, babe. SOMEONE had to tell you.
It's always unfortunate when someone takes a color risk, and then shows up and learns that another actress took the exact same risk -- a bit like, say, if you showed up at a Halloween party dressed as the magic mailbox from The Lake House, and ten minutes later someone else with the exact same idea arrived, but they'd decided to add a plastic house and a driveway to the costume, and suddenly, you were just the sad person with a large metal compartment sticking out of your stomach. (I am sure that has happened to many of you out there.)

In the case of the Emmys, it's tough to decide which is which, but I think Mariska Hargitay here might be Mailbox: Original Flavor, because her interpretation of canary yellow lacked any bells and whistles.

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I mean, it's FINE, and everything -- it fits, her junk is covered, and her skin tone is right for the bright hue. But it's definitely toga-adjacent, and frankly, kind of a snore. Although perhaps it's hard to judge, because when you are standing in front of Kynt and Vyxsin (the neon goths from The Amazing Race) and one of them appears to be wearing shoes with springs on the soles, you are always going to look totally boring. Parentheticaly, I sort of feel like Vyksin is staring at Mariska and wondering if it's worth challenging her to a duel, with the fate of the Earth's solar system at stake. In fact, I have it on good authority that as soon as Mariska hit the red carpet, nine round things spontaneously appeared and began orbiting her at different speeds.

This all makes Teri Hatcher version 2.0 -- the more elaborate version of the same basic thought:

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JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT: I am SKINNY and TAN now. I'm like the Lauren Conrad of ghost whispering!

HAYDEN PANETTIERE: Do I look old enough to be dating a 30-something man? I do, right? This is sufficiently mature, isn't it? I look like a grown-up woman, don't I? 

J. LO. HEW: Take that, all you douchewads who said I was fat! Wait until you have to sit through the 90-minute infomercial for the diet and exercise DVD I'm making right now! I'm calling it Party Of Five; Eating For One, Exercising for Four and you can get it for only five low payments of $79.99!

HAYDEN: I really don't want anyone to pay any attention to me, actually. Maybe if I could just blend into the background. Please, please don't ask me if Heroes is better this year.

J. LO. HEW: I didn't need those boobs!!

HAYDEN: I have like fifteen years to look young and hot, right? I mean, I'm going to be nubile for a while, aren't I? Like, I can be super demure right now and then later, I can pull out all the Hot Young Girl stops, can't I? I have some time for that, right? I mean, I'm not blowing my chances right now, don't you think? I'm not going to look back on this and me all, "damn, why didn't I just wear open toe shoes?" am I? I'm not going to regret this, am I? AM I????

J. LO. HEW: WHEE!! US WEEKLY, CALL ME!!

So, all appearances to the contrary, there's no way that Kathie Lee's skirt actually ratchets up and down like a fussy bedroom shade, right?

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I mean, just because her dress appears to be hastily made out of sheets doesn't mean it's THAT authentic.

I hope.
Every time I write about Phoebe Price, I close the browser window and say to myself, "self, that's it. No more. No more Phoebe Price. She's bad for you. And you're only giving her what she wants. What has she done for YOU lately?" But P Squared is like the ex-boyfriend who only ever calls you when he's bored and you know you ought to ignore him, but you're curious and he's sort of entertaining when he's not making you sick. And the next thing you know, despite your best intentions, you're buying that guy a beer.

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And I am certainly not strong enough to resist posting a photo in which Price is wearing....well, this terrible thing.  You'd think she'd have been able to find red panties that matched a bit more expertly, but you'd also think that she'd be barred from attending the Emmys.  Guess the beer's on me, Phoebs.
September 15, 2008

Fug or Fab: Chloe Sevigny

I haven't seen hide nor hair of Chloe Sevigny in ages. Maybe she's too busy filming Big Love to get out much anymore, or maybe she's just been hanging out at home working on a giant jigsaw puzzle of Mount Rushmore and drinking cocoa or something. At any rate, I admit that I am pleased to see her out and about once more:

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And I actually think she looks kind of awesome. Sure, the top of it is kind of unusual, in a way that could get sort of Springing-Out-of-an-Envelope-y, but I think it works. But it's entirely possible that I've been so Sevigny-starved that I have no idea what I'm talking about.

Oh, dear. Someone's been dipping into the Christmas napkin rings.

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[Photo: Splash News]

Not sure I'd have gone in costume as a Yuletide place-setting on a 110-degree June day, but then again, no one has ever tried to burn me alive in a farmhouse after realizing I was merely pretending to carry his surrogate baby. So maybe I just don't understand.

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