Eva Longoria Parker Archives

November 17, 2009

Fugerate Housewives

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Well, this is FESTIVE:

I feel like this dress will be worn all over the world by a certain subset of ladies to holiday parties -- some of them accessorizing it with light-up earrings in the form of trees -- and by a couple of women who work for the Tournament of Roses and are extremely committed to the concept of thematic dressing. And while it will be IDEAL for those specific ladies, I don't know that this whole Ruched Sleeves Ahoy look is going to set the night on fire for the rest of us.

May 11, 2009

Fug or Fab: Eva Longoria Parker

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Apparently, I am indecisive today.

Much as I was with Mariska Hargitay before her, I am of two minds about ELP here. (1) I'm sure that, in person, the detail work on this dress is amazing. (2) But she might look a bit shapeless and washed out. (3) But texturally, it's really interesting. (4) Although there's something about it that reminds me of a pile of window treatment samples come to life. (5) I think she needs a bracelet. (6) Never mind, she's wearing one. (7) I know this might an unpopular opinion, but I think ELP is actually really good on Desperate Housewives. Although I don't watch it anymore. (8) This also kind of looks like low shag carpet. (9) I'm sure 4 out of 10 readers just made a "shag" joke to themselves. (10) Apparently, I am of more than two minds about this.

poll by twiigs.com

February 18, 2009

New York Fugshion Week, Day 5

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90210

We haven't featured Roisin Murphy nearly enough on our site -- I have a strong feeling she'll be a sleeper contender in Fug Madness this year. Because for her, this is fairly tame:

I wish it were a better angle on her hair, which sits in a coil on the top of her head like a tempting fresh breakfast pastry. She and the lank-haired Nicole Richie rubbed elbows at the Diesel show on Tuesday night, at which the celeb section was cordoned off to protect the likes of Kate Bosworth from prying reporters. BORING.

Earlier in the day, we got an earful of both Khloe and Kim Kardashian at Badgley Mischka, during which Kim told a story about Reggie Bush being startled by naked models. I know, it sounded wrong to me too.

Then we saw Eva Longoria Parker's stylist try to restrain her from bad choices at Matthew Williamson, and a relatively blah Rachel Bilson in the front row at Max Azria. Finally, we rounded out the day with: a little sass and spandex at Baby Phat, where Aubrey O'Day covered up slightly more of her boobs and ANTM's Whitney Thompson picked up the slack; and Narciso Rodriguez's show, where Kanye West finally whipped out the sunglasses and brought a woman in red plastic leggings. That Kanye always gives us something we can stare at unabashedly. At a 9 p.m. show after a long day, there is no greater present.

October 31, 2008

Fug or Fab: Eva Longoria Parker

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MARIO LOPEZ: EVA LP! WHAT UP!

EVA LONGORIA-PARKER: Hey, Mario.

MARIO: Hey, I've got an awesome idea. Let's talk about ME.

EVA: Okay. What's new?

MARIO: Nothing.

EVA: Then why did you want to talk about yourself?

MARIO: To avoid talking about what you're wearing.

EVA: What's wrong with what I'm wearing?

MARIO: You've got GREAT LEGS.

EVA: That's...wrong?

MARIO: I'm just avoiding the question. Hey, did you know that the Tampa Bay Rays have a player named EVAN Longoria? Every time he --

EVA: Yeah. I KNOW. Trust me. But, seriously, I thought this dress was kind of cute.

MARIO: Tim Gunn would say it's a whooooole lotta look.

EVA: I don't know if I trust a dude who spent like fifteen years wearing tank tops and patterned Hammer pants on morning television to give me style advice, honestly. You, I mean. I would trust Tim Gunn.

MARIO: It also makes me think you might have a bun in the oven.

EVA: Seriously? You're going there?

MARIO: I do work for Extra now. So, how about an exclusive, old friend? Got cookies in your jar? Is there a tuna fish sandwich in your lunchbox? Have you got soup simmering in your Thermos? How many olives are in your martini?

EVA: THOSE AREN'T REAL EUPHEMISMS.

MARIO: But seriously.

EVA: I don't like you anymore.

poll by twiigs.com

August 19, 2008

ALMA Awards Fug: Eva Longoria-Parker

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So, after it turned out that Eva Longoria had to cut her hair for her role on Desperate Housewives, I figured sooner or later we'd see her doing something a bit more stylish with it.

In fact, I rather like it now. And this dress isn't bad, either -- I think that's actually a necklace laying over it, which in a weird way kind of works, especially because it's way less Fun Ship Cruise than most of what Eva wears. Seriously, if she worked at Friday's, she'd totally be that girl who not only managed to fit a thousand pieces of flair onto her uniform, but has a completely different batch for every weekday.

At the ALMA Awards, though, things went downhill from here. Jessica and I were just talking about how stupid this tradition is of having your awards-show host swap clothes every two seconds. The first big one I remember is when Sarah Jessica Parker hosted the MTV Movie Awards in 2000 and they made a huge deal out of the fact she wore 15 different things, and now, it's just not a party if there aren't double-digit costume changes. And since Eva L-P not only hosted the ALMA Awards but also served as the executive producer, you'd think she'd at least procure herself a rack of AWESOME clothes to change into -- but you'd be wrong.

Continue reading ALMA Awards Fug: Eva Longoria-Parker.

July 16, 2008

Fug or Fab: Eva Longoria Parker

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Desperate Housewives

I may be a tad late to this party, but apparently over the weekend Eva Longoria-Parker took some hedge-clippers to her hair and tried to Katie Holmes herself with a brand-new bob. Let's see if we think it worked.

First, let's just all refresh our memory with what she looked like before.

The guy behind her is thinking, "Such long, lustrous locks! I wonder if her L'Oreal hair-dye campaign reps would be pissed at her if she cut them off." Good question. And we are probably going to find out. Here is a photo of her hair now:

Continue reading Fug or Fab: Eva Longoria Parker.

June 3, 2008

Over Her Fug Body

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TONY PARKER: Honey? Are you drunk?

EVA LONGORIA PARKER: HOW DARE YOU? Why would you even ASK ME THAT?

TONY: Well...you look kinda drunk. And it would explain the eye make-up.

EVA: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

TONY: I am kind of scared of you. I wonder if there is someone here who could...help me.

EVA: WHY WOULD YOU NEED HELP? GOD!

TONY: Because I am worried one of your boobs might make a run for it out of that dress. Or that you might pass out. It is kinda tight, don't you --

EVA: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? JESUS!

TONY: ...anyone? Help? Please?

May 16, 2008

Fug or Fab: Eva Longoria Parker

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There is nothing Eva Longoria loves more than a nice, subtle understatement.

Although there is a part of me that appreciates this drama -- kind of the way I thought it was deeply ridiculous in a HILARIOUS way that Celine Dion gave all her wedding guests a large photo album full of glamour shots of herself, and then a while later had a second wedding that I believe involved riding elephants -- I just can't help wondering if Eva thinks that every time she sets foot in France, she needs to remind us all of her lavish wedding. Cannes is a big, fancy deal, sure, but did she really need to deprive every ballet academy in Europe of its tulle supply? I would suggest Eva is the female embodiment of Bobby Trendy, but frankly, Bobby Trendy is already sort of the female embodiment of Bobby Trendy. And somewhere out there, looking at this photo, he is having an aneurysm of pleasure.

poll by twiigs.com

May 6, 2008

Met Ball Fug Carpet Fug Or Fab: Eva Longoria Parker

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Note number one for Eva Longoria Parker: You have GOT to blend your makeup a bit better. Your forehead is way paler than your shoulders and it is weird, like you've got the forehead of a vampire but the neck of a marginally talented actress. You've got to make your Makeup Bitch blend! Blend! Or is it possible that you've crossed your Makeup Bitch one too many times and she's now making you pay by doing you up like the Cranky Undead? In which case: e-mail us, Makeup Bitch. We'd like to buy you a box of wine.

Otherwise, I have a query for you:

poll by twiigs.com...

February 29, 2008

Fug The Cover: InStyle and Eva Longoria

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Admittedly, I haven't bought or read InStyle in a long time, because it's a little too rich for my blood -- I don't walk by Banana Republic and think to myself, "Aw, how sweet, a bargain-basement store" -- but this past weekend I snapped up the March 2008 issue with Eva Longoria on the front, because it was wickedly hideous and I had to have it.

Inside she says, "It makes me feel old, but I love it," and she's referring to being called "Mrs. Parker" when they're in Texas, but it might also refer to the cover photo.

Seriously, that doesn't even really look like her face to me. It's so... sharp. In my mind's eye, that's actually a Miami Beach socialite in her late thirties who just got fresh cheek implants, and is about to start a gig on a cruise ship opening for Kathie Lee Gifford at the Lido Deck Lounge.

Even InStyle clearly felt so concerned that you wouldn't recognize the pursed lips and cocked brows that the designers chucked any reference to the story inside (a peek inside her closet, which offers almost nothing interesting or surprising except MAYBE that she owns an entire wall full of black shoes and a minimum of $7000 in Louboutins), in favor of slapping her name over the picture in the biggest font size possible, as if to be like, "No, SERIOUSLY, it's HER. WE'D GET SUED FOR THIS IF IT WEREN'T, SO IT HAS TO BE." Although frankly, if I were her, I might sue them for it anyway.

Eva Longoria Parker

Fugerate Housewives

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Fug or Fab: Eva Longoria Parker

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New York Fugshion Week, Day 5

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Fug or Fab: Eva Longoria Parker

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ALMA Awards Fug: Eva Longoria-Parker

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Fug or Fab: Eva Longoria Parker

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Over Her Fug Body

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Fug or Fab: Eva Longoria Parker

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Met Ball Fug Carpet Fug Or Fab: Eva Longoria Parker

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Fug The Cover: InStyle and Eva Longoria

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