Eva Longoria Parker

November 9, 2007

Eva Longoria Fugger

Even though we largely ignore all of them now, I still remember all those old fashion rules people used to follow -- no white after Labor Day/before Easter Sunday, no navy and black or black and brown together, don't wear black to a wedding or red to a funeral... They're all things of the past now -- well, except for the "no red at funerals" thing, unless maybe you are on a soap opera, or are a complete bitch; preferably both -- but they pop up every now and then in my head so that I can chuckle at how stressed out I used to be about when I could resume plans to steal my sister's white pumps, and shove tissue in the toes so that they'd be my size.

One principle did stick in my mind a little more solidly, though, and that is the notion that red and pink are clashing colors. While obviously this can work in some specific patterns, I still find myself turned off by certain deployments of them together. Enter Mrs. Longoria-Parker:

These two just colors patched together in such brutal blocks make my head throb. I hope she is carrying some Advil in her purse. It might have been nice of her to throw fistfuls of it at her adoring public.

Oddly, the whole thing reminds me of a box of Nerds. You know, the way they'd separate two different flavors (cinnamon and peppermint, cherry and watermelon) in one box. Nerds were the greatest greatest candy discovery of my sixth- and seventh-grade life, right up there with Pixy Styx. But that doesn't mean I am loving watching Eva trot around in a color-scheme homage to those brave little cavity nuggets. Willy Wonka makes a mean sweet treat, but he's hardly a competent stylist.

September 19, 2007

Desperate Fugwives

Dear Eva Longoria,

I just don't know. There's an aspect of what you are wearing here that is fabulously Joan Collins-esque. It reminds me of nothing so much as the episode of Dynasty where, wearing a purple satin jumpsuit, Alexis tells Dex Dexter -- who's trying to sleep with her/cheat her out of some money -- that "no one takes [her] to bed and to the cleaners in one night!"  Later, of course, she married him. And then he had an affair with her daughter. But then they kind of got back together. Eventually he fell off a balcony. Alexis may also be wearing a fur hat in that scene -- which is what your ensemble is missing, Eva --  and later sings and dances at some kind of low-brow western bar, which is a moment I challenge you to watch without your jaw dropping. (YouTube's mini-synopses of Dynasty clips are hilarious when posted all in a row, by the way. The sentence fragments give a rather good feeling for what it's like to watch the show, as they are basically:  " ...affair with another man!"; "... ACCUSED OF ARSON-MURDER!";  "...was being poisoned!";  "...shows up at her office after hours and tries to kill her!"; and, "... not dead, but locked up in a Prison For The Criminally Insane!!!")

And yet another part of me feels like this belongs at a Prison For the Criminally Insane (!!!):

I truly am rather torn. I should come out against jumpsuits, and yet...shiny!

November 1, 2005

Desperfug Housefugs

Well, well, well.

What have we here? The dress is very pretty -- it's a little bridesmaidal, sure, but the color is very flattering and I love the hem. And the shoes? The shoes are cute. But....the hat. Or...the ribbon. Or the....whatever the thing is she's got on her head.  Oy.

I know she was at a derby, and people wear fancy hats at a derby and I am not only fine with that, I love it. A good hat! A good hat is divine! A good hat is more fun than a pony keg at a tailgate!

But this is not a good hat. I'm not even sure it's technically a hat. It does, however, look like something Eva Longoria may have stolen from Minnie Mouse's milliner. In fact, Eva Longoria sort of even looks like Minne Mouse. No, seriously:

And considering the fact that ABC is owned by Disney, and I've never seen the two of them in the same room together....well, frankly, I am sort of freaking myself out now.

August 30, 2005

VMAs: Eva Longoria

Okay, I realize this was part of the whole "anything can happen" theme of the evening, but...

evalongoria-vmas10.jpg

It was only seven years ago that Eva was Miss Corpus Christi. Ergo, her strutting onstage in a complex, confusing bathing suit looking every inch like a pageant princess -- not to mention the fact that she'll do anything for attention, and seriously, WHAT is going on with her hair? -- is not, in fact, terribly surprising. More shocking would have been her showing up in pants and a sweater, without makeup, while loudly declaring herself celibate. Now there's a jaw-dropper.

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