Fug Madness 2009 Archives

March 20, 2009

Fug Madness 2009 Round 1 Continued: Madonna Bracket

(1) SOLANGE vs. (16) DRUNKFACE MCCORD

Solange has truly burst onto the fug scene this year. Kind of like a hurricane. A hurricane of feathers and ruffles and drama and the need for attention:

OH YES SHE DID. And she did SO MUCH ELSE this year. She dabbled in bizarre eye makeup. She explored wearing the top half of an ostrich. She explored wearing an entire ostrich. She pranced around wearing fetlocks for shoes. She...I don't even know what you'd call this.IS there a feathered or hairy creature whose hide she has not co-opted? Riddle me that.

Her competitor is not immune to the lures of the flesh and the feather:

Continue reading Fug Madness 2009 Round 1 Continued: Madonna Bracket.

March 20, 2009

Fug Madness 2009 Round 1 Continued: Charo Bracket

(3) AGYNESS DEYN vs. (14) M.I.A.

Oh, Fug Gods, I love you. We blindly seeded these boneheads without paying attention to the fact that those numbers always face off in the first round, and the randomizer did the rest. Now we get to watch them duke it out over who wore this semi-pornographic Seussian atrocity LESS horrifically:

[Left photo: WENN.com]

On the left: Agyness, who opted against any kind of modesty panel beyond the giant polka-dot potholder covering her, um, oven mitt. On the right, it's M.I.A., who tried to turn this into maternity wear. Agyness picked hot-pink socks and hideous high-heeled sneaker-sandals; M.I.A. went with the chunky white high-hops. Agy accessorized with a hat and a neon purse, while M.I.A. went with Ray Bans, footless tights, and a fetus. I had no idea this thing was so versatile! Clearly, I need one. It's going to look fabulous when I pair it with torn leggings, a fedora, and knee-height gladiator sandals.

Weirdly, I think Agyness looks scarier in it than M.I.A., AND she chose to change back into it and wear it home after donning it in a fashion show -- whereas M.I.A. did it for shock value, I think. But that's certainly a tough call. The rest of their wardrobes make it equally tricky:

Continue reading Fug Madness 2009 Round 1 Continued: Charo Bracket.

March 20, 2009

Fug Madness 2009 Round 1 Continued: Bjork Bracket

First, just a quick note that your comments have been hilarious and insightful again so far this year! Thanks so much for being such a big part of why this is so fun -- your contributions make opening comments on these posts totally worth it!

(1) MISCHA BARTON vs (16) TEYANA TAYLOR

I think I've started every single post I've written about Mischa B. here with some variation of, "Oh, MISCHA" Because, OH. MISCHA:

[Photo: Splash News]

She makes me feel like I'm about a million years old, because every time I see her, I think, "she'd be SO PRETTY if she just stood up straight/lost those ridiculous shoes /wore something other than leggings/didn't get dressed in the dark/stopped wearing that stupid hat. In fact, I implore you to just take a whirl through her archives. They are amazing. But not as amazing, perhaps, as this:

Continue reading Fug Madness 2009 Round 1 Continued: Bjork Bracket.

March 20, 2009

Fug Madness 2009, Round 1 Continued: Cher Bracket

(6) JULIETTE LEWIS vs. (11) DIANE KRUGER

For a long time I thought seeing Juliette and the Licks in concert was a scary prospect. Now, I worry my life may not be complete without the experience.

[Photo: WENN.com]

That's not even the craziest thing she's ever worn on stage, but it pleases me deeply -- she finds so many different spandex bodysuits sure to use and abuse her nethers. It's awe-inspiring.

Diane Kruger, we know as a more formal creature. She's pretty enough to make me like things I might not otherwise, but that also means her crazy tends to strike more potently. Take this:

Continue reading Fug Madness 2009, Round 1 Continued: Cher Bracket.

March 19, 2009

Fug Madness 2009, Round 1: Madonna Bracket

(6) DEBRA MESSING vs. (11) JANET JACKSON

This may prove to be a surprisingly close match. No, I mean it. Sure, this woman seems tough to beat:

What's going on here? And do I need to see so very much of the intricate details of her underpinnings? I'm not her ladies' maid, therefore I feel like the answer to that is no. Other Messing choices from this past year that I reject are:

Continue reading Fug Madness 2009, Round 1: Madonna Bracket.

March 19, 2009

Fug Madness 2009, Round 1: Charo Bracket

(1) SWINTON vs. (16) SPEIDI

Well, this is it. You asked for it, and now you're going to get it: The magic of SWINTON against the malevolence of Speidi.

[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]

Yes, be afraid, Heidi. Be very afraid. Because even though I am fairly sure you were not that aggravated to be exposed wearing elastic-leg boy-short underwear as you slid carelessly out of a car in your tiny outfit, beating down this woman may be the toughest challenge of your life. Tougher even than making out with Spencer while he had the devil's topiary sprouting from his face.

Behold:

Continue reading Fug Madness 2009, Round 1: Charo Bracket.

March 19, 2009

Fug Madness 2009, Round 1: Bjork Bracket

(6) PAULA ABDUL vs. (11) KATE HUDSON

Paula is one of those people who could go either way at any event. There's a reason we included her in our book as someone who needed a Carefrontation. We were worried she was going to let the Crazy take over the Cute. Sometimes, of course, you can't extricate one from the other:

That dress is cute, but WHAT IS UP WITH THE HAT AND GLOVES? I feel like you've left your sassy cane and tap shoes somewhere! I guess she is a choreographer...of crazy. I mean, come on:

Continue reading Fug Madness 2009, Round 1: Bjork Bracket.

March 19, 2009

Fug Madness 2009, Round 1: Cher Bracket

(1) AUBREY O'DAY vs. (16) ESTELLE

Considering that British performer Estelle broke into the U.S. by singing a duet with Kanye West, it should be no surprise that she favors dramatic attire. But even Kanye looks like he's taken aback at the marvel that is this dress:

Kanye WOULD appreciate a dress shaped like an elaborate vase. Imagine all the things one could do with hip flaps like that. Pierce your enemies! Stuff them and use them as coasters! Flap them and achieve liftoff! All of which I think she and Kanye should've worked into the performance.

And Estelle doesn't stop there. Who could forget the time she dressed like one of SWINTON's footmen? Or her aluminum sack? Good times, Estelle. Based on these strong showings, we expect big things from you in the coming years.

But is this sampling enough to compete against this person?

Continue reading Fug Madness 2009, Round 1: Cher Bracket.

March 18, 2009

Fug Madness 2009: Play-In Game Winner and Round 1 Preview

We asked, you answered:

[Photo: Splash News]

The sheer ick factor of Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag severely beat down Lauren Conrad's hideous pants and other fashion faux-pas, grabbing 77 percent of the vote en route to a berth in Round One. They'll face a formidable foe in the endearinly wacky -- but still undeniably off her tree -- SWINTON.

How does this make you feel, Lauren Conrad?

"Gosh, I don't know, I mean... on the one hand, it feels nice to be able to go home and put up my feet and fill out my bracket while Lo weaves me some headbands. But on the other hand.. seriously, this headband is REALLY STUPID. And I LOST. To my ARCHRIVAL. And his CONCUBINE. I want to punch something. I would take it out on a dress form, if I ever actually draped any of the stuff I might sort of occasionally have a hand in designing. Sigh. I don't know how to cope with this."

Sorry, pet. But in the end, consider a loss here a compliment.

Next up: Round 1 will span Thursday and Friday.

Among the seeds in action tomorrow: Aubrey O'Day defends her No. 1 spot against No. 16 Estelle; Phoebe Price dukes it out with Kim Kardashian; Lily Allen, defending champ Bai Ling, Lisa Rinna, and Blake Lively may have to answer for their crimes; and No. 2 seed Lady Gaga makes her second-ever appearance on this site after our strenuous efforts to pretend she doesn't exist.

Get your voting fingers ready.

March 17, 2009

Fug Madness 2009: Play-In Game

SPEIDI vs. LAUREN CONRAD

Happy St. Patrick's Day! In honor of the occasion, I thought I'd show you a little something that will make SURE you want to drink heavily and that you won't care WHAT kind of water-beer they've colored green and charged you $12 to guzzle:

[Photo: Splash News]

That lady is thinking, "Oh, my stars, are they REALLY sucking face instead of grabbing a ladle and serving some food for charity? Is THAT why they're here? Homeless people don't want saliva in their soup. I don't know whether to slap them stupid or take notes for my grandchildren."

** Edited to add: Apparently, that IS Spencer's grandmother? Just goes to show how tedious and terrible I find The Hills -- I watched and STILL did not recognize her, so clearly, I was tuned out. Let me revise my impression of her internal monologue: "Oh my stars, are they REALLY sucking face instead of grabbing a ladle and serving some food for charity? Is THAT why they're here? Homeless people don't want saliva in their soup. I don't know whether to slap them stupid or ask Heidi to suck his ratty beard off his face."

And so it goes. Spencer and Heidi may not always wear the worst clothes, but his icky goatee and contempt for her family, plus their joint insistence on proving publicly that her collagen-inflated lips implants won't burst under pressure, make them a fugly sight to behold indeed. They exist solely for rich photo opportunities, it seems, and every single one of them involves reminding us that they are Truly In Love:

Continue reading Fug Madness 2009: Play-In Game.

Fug Madness 2009

Fug Madness 2009 Round 1 Continued: Madonna Bracket

Fug Madness 2009 Round 1 Continued: Charo Bracket

Fug Madness 2009 Round 1 Continued: Bjork Bracket

Fug Madness 2009, Round 1 Continued: Cher Bracket

Fug Madness 2009, Round 1: Madonna Bracket

Fug Madness 2009, Round 1: Charo Bracket

Fug Madness 2009, Round 1: Bjork Bracket

Fug Madness 2009, Round 1: Cher Bracket

Fug Madness 2009: Play-In Game Winner and Round 1 Preview

Fug Madness 2009: Play-In Game

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