Fug Madness 2009

Hello all:

A few e-mailers have had trouble downloading/printing/reading the PDF version of the Fug Madness bracket. If that sounds like you, then try this link to a JPEG version instead. You should be able to print it out this way, too: http://gofugyourself.celebuzz.com/2009/03/16/Fug_Madness_bracket_09.jpg

Now, back to your regularly scheduled daydreams about the work day being finished.

Now that we've revealed the seedings and opening-round matchups in the Bjork, Cher, Charo, and Madonna brackets, respectively, we can lay out the full Fug Madness schedule and give you a handy downloadable bracket that you can use to make your personal picks. Okay, so there's no prize for being right, and you could totally cheat and pretend you were, but still: Isn't it more fun to play for pride? ... No? Shoot. Well, we obviously can't condone gambling since it's HIGHLY ILLEGAL in most states, but obviously if you choose to start your own Fug Madness mini-pool on your own time, with your circle of fug watchers, we can't control that.

Here are the rules, the important upcoming matchup dates, and the official unveiling of your play-in teams.

1) After Tuesday's play-in game, the first round begins on Thursday with four matchups from each of the four brackets -- the top halves of Cher and Charo, and the bottom halves of the Bjork and Madonna (which we mean in a bracketology sense, and not in some kind of creepy Island of Dr. Moreau cross-breeding way). The rest will take place on Friday -- much like the glorious tournament on which it is based. Round Two will begin on Monday, March 23, and so on and so forth.

2) Here is a downloadable PDF of the full Fug Madness bracket, which has the dates of all the contests and which you can print and fill in as we go:

Fug_Madness_bracket_09.pdf

3) Polls for each contest will be open for roughly 24 hours (as close as we can make it) from the time the post is published. Vote early, and if your browser allows, vote often.

4) This is the big one: Comments WILL open again, only on Fug Madness posts. Our reluctance to put any comments on the site is well-documented, but last season's experiment with opening comments during Fug Madness went swimmingly, thanks to all of our cool, smart readers who just wanted to have a good time. We sincerely hope you guys will all be just as awesome this time. But we are just as cranky, so any violations of our comment policy, and we WILL close them again. The rules (some of which I copied from last time) are generally based in people using basic common sense, and include:

• Please do NOT use this time to vent your spleen against the celebrity in question (that's what therapy is for), against fame in general, the economy, or the site itself (that's what e-mail is for, and Intern George has the typing blisters on his beautiful fingers to prove it).
• Keep it clean, keep it on-topic, keep it relevant. If all you want to do is say, "DIE, SLUTZ," well, that's not polite in English OR in German, so please don't.
• We reserve the right to edit or delete comments if they're not in the spirit of the contest, and/or are spoiling everyone else's fun.
• We will TOTALLY close the comments again FOREVER if this blows up into something awful (i.e., we will totally turn this car around if you don't stop poking your brother). We love what your intelligent, funny, sarcastic input does for the spirit of the contest; it's part of what made it so special last season, so please take that to heart, and don't abuse it.
  

5) And now for the identity of the two celebrities dueling TOMORROW for the right to take on top-seeded SWINTON in the Charo bracket.

Drum roll, please...

(1) SOLANGE vs. (16) DRUNKFACE MCCORD

(2) GWYNETH PALTROW vs. (15) KRISTEN STEWART

(3) BAI LING vs. (14) RUMER WILLIS

(4) JOAQUIN PHOENIX vs. (13) SARAH SILVERMAN

(5) VICTORIA "POSH" BECKHAM vs. (12) KEIRA KNIGHTLEY

(6) DEBRA MESSING vs. (11) JANET JACKSON

(7) CHRISTINA AGUILERA vs. (10) JESSICA BIEL

(8) JESSICA SIMPSON vs. (9) SHARON STONE

Aha! This bracket gives us not only last year's winner, it gives us last year's runner-up, in the personage of one Ms Posh Spice. Will they have a rematch in round four? Posh would have to get through Joaquin Phoenix first. And that's assuming Bai Ling manages to get that far. Can either of them knock down Solange? Will Solange plow through the field, or be upset? TIME WILL TELL.

Reminder: Please don't freak out if your favorite -- or least-favorite -- Fug Hound didn't make the list. Remember that we're ONLY judging people by what they wore in the one-year eligibility period, from March 1, 2008 to Feb. 28, 2009. But nobody's perfect. Sometimes we forget people exist; sometimes, our opinions of how bad they were aren't going to match yours. Hey, it happens -- the actual NCAA selection committee has the same problems. So just kick back, relax, enjoy the games, and imagine that your missing favorite is out there somewhere playing in the Fug NIT, leading the charge of the also-rans and praying for a more auspicious and publicly terrible year to come.

(1) SOLANGE vs. (16) DRUNKFACE MCCORD

(2) GWYNETH PALTROW vs. (15) KRISTEN STEWART

(3) BAI LING vs. (14) RUMER WILLIS

(4) JOAQUIN PHOENIX vs. (13) SARAH SILVERMAN

(5) VICTORIA "POSH" BECKHAM vs. (12) KEIRA KNIGHTLEY

(6) DEBRA MESSING vs. (11) JANET JACKSON

(7) CHRISTINA AGUILERA vs. (10) JESSICA BIEL

(8) JESSICA SIMPSON vs. (9) SHARON STONE

Aha! This bracket gives us not only last year's winner, it gives us last year's runner-up, in the personage of one Ms Posh Spice. Will they have a rematch in round four? Posh would have to get through Joaquin Phoenix first. And that's assuming Bai Ling manages to get that far. Can either of them knock down Solange? Will Solange plow through the field, or be upset? TIME WILL TELL.

Reminder: Please don't freak out if your favorite -- or least-favorite -- Fug Hound didn't make the list. Remember that we're ONLY judging people by what they wore in the one-year eligibility period, from March 1, 2008 to Feb. 28, 2009. But nobody's perfect. Sometimes we forget people exist; sometimes, our opinions of how bad they were aren't going to match yours. Hey, it happens -- the actual NCAA selection committee has the same problems. So just kick back, relax, enjoy the games, and imagine that your missing favorite is out there somewhere playing in the Fug NIT, leading the charge of the also-rans and praying for a more auspicious and publicly terrible year to come.

(1) AUBREY O'DAY vs. (16) ESTELLE

(2) LINDSAY LOHAN vs. (15) AMANDA BYNES

(3) TAYLOR MOMSEN vs. (14) SHENAE GRIMES

(4) SARAH JESSICA PARKER vs. (13) ASHTON KUTCHER

(5) MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL vs. (12) LISA RINNA

(6) JULIETTE LEWIS vs. (11) DIANE KRUGER

(7) COURTNEY LOVE vs. (10) RENEE ZELLWEGER

(8) PHOEBE PRICE vs. (9) KIM KARDASHIAN

As we continue to unveil the seedings and first-round matchups, I've noticed that our online randomizer can collect another pat on the back for the poetry of its choices here. Aubrey and Estelle? Both singers. LiLo and Bynes? Both starlets who often wear stuff that's too short. Momsen and Grimes? Both CW starlets whose characters we hate. Courtney and Renee both have terrible hair these days. Phoebe and Kim are total fame-whores. Juliette dated Brad Pitt; Diane Kruger co-starred with him. Maggie Gyllenhaal and Lisa Rinna are both... brunettes. And Sarah Jessica Parker and Ashton Kutcher both sometimes wear bad hats. It's like magic.

You may wonder why Phoebe Price only merits an eighth-place seed, and our reason is this: Last season, as a hideously dressed but totally unfamous crackpot, we stuck her in at No. 13 -- kind of like how in the actual NCAA tournament, teams that won their small, mid-major conference still get seeded lower than teams who play in the big, renowned conferences like the Pac-10 and the Big East. This year, we were tempted to bump Pheebs up to the top, but then we realized that although the Internet has given her a similar notoriety to our reigning champ Bai Ling, is has NOT as of yet engendered the same level of fondness for her wacky antics. So essentially, she's really still a hideously dressed crackpot who just happens to be MARGINALLY more famous this time. Ergo, we thought a No. 8 slot was a fair compromise.

Reminder: Please don't freak out if your favorite -- or least-favorite -- Fug Hound didn't make the list. Remember that we're ONLY judging people by what they wore in the one-year eligibility period, from March 1, 2008 to Feb. 28, 2009. But nobody's perfect. Sometimes we forget people exist; sometimes, our opinions of how bad they were aren't going to match yours. Hey, it happens -- the actual NCAA selection committee has the same problems. So just kick back, relax, enjoy the games, and imagine that your missing favorite is out there somewhere playing in the Fug NIT, leading the charge of the also-rans and praying for a more auspicious and publicly terrible year to come.

(1) SWINTON vs. (16) PLAY-IN WINNER (game time: Tuesday, March 17)

(2) KATY PERRY vs. (15) ROBERT PATTINSON

(3) AGYNESS DEYN vs. (14) M.I.A.

(4) SCARLETT JOHANSSON vs. (13) AMY ADAMS

(5) BEYONCE vs. (12) BLAKE LIVELY

(6) CHLOE SEVIGNY vs. (11) ANNE HATHAWAY

(7) JENNIFER LOPEZ vs. (10) BRANGELINA

(8) CHARLIZE THERON vs. (9) LILY ALLEN

I love this time of year. No matter how random Jessica and I try to be -- and this year it actually involved using an online randomizer to decide which seeds went in which of the four brackets -- certain matchups STILL come out with a beautiful synergy. For instance, before we even seeded anyone or remembered that threes always play fourteens, we had JOKED about how great it would be if Agyness and M.I.A. -- who both wore the same hideous polka-dotted Henry Holland outfit within the last year -- got to face off against each other. And poof, the randomizer coughed up that exact battle. It's too good to be true, but it IS true. The top six seeds in this bracket are one of the toughest groupings in the entire contest and I'm very much looking forward to see which ones emerge unscathed. Beware the underdogs, y'all. They bite.

Reminder: Please don't freak out if your favorite -- or least-favorite -- Fug Hound didn't make the list. Remember that we're ONLY judging people by what they wore in the one-year eligibility period, from March 1, 2008 to Feb. 28, 2009. But nobody's perfect. Sometimes we forget people exist; sometimes, our opinions of how bad they were aren't going to match yours. Hey, it happens -- the actual NCAA selection committee has the same problems. So just kick back, relax, enjoy the games, and imagine that your missing favorite is out there somewhere playing in the Fug NIT, leading the charge of the also-rans and praying for a more auspicious and publicly terrible year to come.

Oh, joyous day. Could March BE any more delightful? March Madness, St Patrick's Day, Daylight Savings, Bubble Gum Week, National Pig Day, Dr Seuss's birthday, Potato Chip Day (tragic, as I gave potatoes up for Lent), Big Bird's birthday, the anniversary of the invention of Coca Cola (leading, eventually, to our sweet Diet Coke), National toast day (the bread, rather than the alcohol-fueled exchange of cheer), and now the return of Fug Madness. We are so excited (so excited, so scared).

To sum it up briefly for those of you who weren't around last year: over the next two days, we'll be revealing the 65 poorly-dressed celebrity nutjobs who will be battling it out, NCAA basketball tournament style, to determine who is the fugliest of them all. (If you want a refresher of how last year's tournament went, click here and relive the magic.)

Today, we'll be revealing the stars who will be competing in the Bjork and Cher brackets. Tomorrow, you'll learn who has made it to the Charo and Madonna brackets. Monday, we'll have a full, printable bracket available for your pleasure, and voting with extreme prejudice begins Tuesday. But we couldn't resist giving you a spoiler, and so, without further ado, we present your four number one seeds - the four crazy (and, in one case, crazy delicious) celebrities we think will be the hardest to beat. They are:

Aubrey O'Day
Solange
Mischa Barton
And the one, the only: SWINTON

Stay tuned!

Just wanted to thank you all for the hilarious and helpful nominations for Fug Madness 2009. I think we can all agree it's utterly tragical that these two apparently spent all of last year in a cave: