Fug or Fab

I have been thinking about this, and I think I actually might love it:

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The pattern is so dramatic, but the cut is really simple, so I feel like it works. But this pattern is not for everyone. Although I like it, in clinical trials it was proven to cause headaches, anxiety, insomnia, nausea, constipation, vomiting, dry mouth, abnormal fixation on low-fat cheeses, indigestion, heartburn, drowsiness, ringing in the ears, dizziness, weight gain, joint pain, blurred vision, nasal congestion, a marked increase in saliva, diabetes, suicidal thoughts, high blood pressure, abnormal muscle movements that accidentally became permanent, unexplained and freaky rashes and swelling, hyperthyroidism, gas, canker sores, spontaneous yeast infections, impotence, hair loss, and death. Please notify your doctor if you experience any of the above side effects from this pattern.

Hey, it's Bryce Dallas Howard! I sort of forgot she was real.

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Call me crazy, but is there something about this look that seems very....SWINTON to you? I mean, leaving aside the fact that SWINTON doesn't bare her legs very often. I can just see it on her, perhaps because it's mildly futuristic and also a bit ugly, but in a way that seems potentially extemely expensive. It takes a brave woman to SWINTON on us, but perhaps we should have expected nothing less from the Heir of Richie Cunningham. That being said, sometimes SWINTON doesn't even pull off SWINTON so what chance have the rest of us got?


May 14, 2009

Fug or Fab: Jill Zarin

Heather is a stronger woman than I am in many ways, and one of them is that she has managed to avoid getting sucked into the Bravo programming black hole that is The Real Housewives of Wherever. I watch them ALL. It is my SHAME. In fact, I was driving home from somewhere yesterday and I found myself ruminating on how I think it's kind of surprising that Bravo hasn't phased out The OC for Malibu or Beverly Hills, because apparently this is how I'm using my brain power now.  (I also just want someone to explain to me why all of those specific members of the franchise look like their wardrobes have been exclusively obtained from Forever XXI. No offense to FXXI -- I've gotten many a piece of disposable fashion there -- but when you've shelled out for Gucci, you don't want it to look like it cost $12.99 and can be returned only for store credit and yet they are all always flouncing around in shiny jewel-toned halter tops with giant diamond brooches on them and I do not understand where else they're even getting those any more.) I do not know why I watch these shows so religiously. I just know that I do. I don't even want to question it. I just let it wash over me.  But anyway, RHNY was pretty entertaining this past season, and Jill Zarin here was, I thought, possibly the LEAST crazy of all the ladies in the cast:

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Although I would also argue that Alex is not crazy either. She is ECCENTRIC, but not crazy. But we could be here all day talking about these women, you know? Let's just say that after much thought, I decided Jill was probably the best-adjusted. Maybe. Although...never mind. Let's table this discussion of the varying mental healths of the women of this show and talk about her outfit. I feel that while the silhouette is flattering, I may have seen it on the person playing Guenevere in a Las Vegas revival of Camelot in which everyone was also wearing roller skates. I suspect that it's a bit much of a muchness, as a former boss of mine used to say.

For a while, I decided I really didn't like Elizabeth Banks -- mostly because I read a really annoying article with her where she kept talking about how awesome her own face is -- but it's hard to sustain that level of annoyance when there is actually nothing else really annoying about the person. She was amusing in Role Models and I haven't got the energy to sustain disdain for no reason any more. Old age has worn me down and I have too many other things to think about now: what is going to happen on One Tree Hill without CMM? Why is Ben McKenzie so cute in his police uniform on Southland? Where did I put my keys? And so forth.  So here's Elizabeth "Sure, I'll See What Happens With You" Banks in Cannes:

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That is a LOT of dress. I both like it and think it might be too overwhelming, especially since it so perfectly matches the red carpet that it seems like it NEVER ENDS. And I'm not a huge fan of the one strap: either be strapless, or have straps. Make up your mind, dress.


Am I crazy, or is Michelle Monaghan wearing the same dress here that Eva Mendes wore a couple of weeks ago?

Michelle:

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Eva:

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They may also, in fact, be wearing the same shoes (all Calvin Klein, I believe). It's a different color, obviously, and I think Eva has, for some inexplicable reason, chosen to wear a less fitted version -- or she's been given a version that doesn't fit her correctly.  Either way, lo, the fit makes all the difference. I actually kind of like this on Michelle, although it's hard to say whether that's just because I've already seen something so similar look so much worse on someone else, or because it actually is kind of like the most fantastic carpet-inspired caftan in the entire Bea Arthur Memorial Caftan Collection (Bea would want us to continue to use that joke, I am certain).
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When I first saw this cover, I must admit that I thought, "oh, GOD, J Simp. Can you ever take a picture without that open mouth, slack-jawed look?" Because, literally -- look at Vanity Fair''s slideshow. Her mouth is open in every single photo, with the exception of one. Which is not to say that she doesn't look beautiful, because she does. Just beautiful AND slack-jawed. At some point, you'd think someone would decide that maybe Pretty But Dim isn't the best cover choice when it comes to selling this particular magazine, which isn't exactly aimed at the world's dim bulbs and dull knives (I always think of VF as being Smart Fluff, while, say, US Weekly is Juicy Fluff, and People is Fluff Plus Babies Who Fell Down Wells). Surely there was a photo of La Simpson in which she looked like she had a thought in her pretty head...no? PS: I'm sure she's thrilled they decided to bring up The Mom Jeans Heard Around the World again. Because why would she want to put that behind her?

Apparently, I am indecisive today.

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Much as I was with Mariska Hargitay before her, I am of two minds about ELP here. (1) I'm sure that, in person, the detail work on this dress is amazing. (2) But she might look a bit shapeless and washed out. (3) But texturally, it's really interesting. (4) Although there's something about it that reminds me of a pile of window treatment samples come to life. (5) I think she needs a bracelet. (6) Never mind, she's wearing one. (7) I know this might an unpopular opinion, but I think ELP is actually really good on Desperate Housewives. Although I don't watch it anymore. (8) This also kind of looks like low shag carpet. (9) I'm sure 4 out of 10 readers just made a "shag" joke to themselves. (10) Apparently, I am of more than two minds about this.



It goes without saying, I am sure, that Mariska Hargitay is a very beautiful woman. AND she's very likable on Law and Order: Sports Utility Vehicle. AND she had her lung collapse a bunch of times this year and that happened to a friend of mine as well, so I feel like she and are friends via the transitive property or something.  But let's take a looksee at what she wore to the White House Correspondents Dinner this weekend, shall we?


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Somehow this manages to be both kind of great and yet also reminiscent of spitballs. I don't know how those two things can happen at the same time, and yet here we are.


The fact that our girl Posh was not even close to being the weirdest-dressed Met Ball attendee almost makes me wonder if we're in some kind of alternate universe, where up is down, down is up, high-waisted pants are universally flattering, and Intern George has a blemish.

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But she's still the leggy, over-tanned exhibitionist we know and love. Or hate, or just can't be bothered to feel ANYTHING about except a mild urge to pack her back to a life of obscurity. As for how I feel about THIS, I don't know. It has all the Posh hallmarks: huge shoes that don't look especially comfortable (is she en pointe in those things?), a tiny skirt that jettisons her thigh muscles from the unbearable prison of fabric, and an eruption of attempted drama. The minidress kind of reminds me of an old-school swimsuit -- the type of thing we'd call a Bathing Costume, with the merest hint of a snooty accent to remind us that it's from Olden Times. The cape? Maybe a matching cover-up.

But I don't know if it's interesting enough to scream either fug OR fab, yet it's also not dullsville, because it's Posh, and she IS strutting around like a polka-dotted peacock. And when you factor in my general feelings of affection for Her Campiness, it's probably best to let you guys be the voice of judgment.

I will say this about Kate Beckinsale: Even if it's not actually true, it feels like she shows up to everything -- no matter what level of formality it is -- in a strapless satin dress that's usually accompanied by an elaborately Prom-esque updo, so I'm pleased she went more over-the-top for the Met Ball.

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In some senses, I really like this, because I totally understand why a girl might want to wear a giant skirt and train to a huge event: Where else in your life can you do it? It's not like you can wear it to the supermarket, or to yoga, or to pick up your kid at school -- well, unless you want all the other parents to conspire to lock you in the trunk of a very small vehicle with shitty suspension and take you for a quick ride around town.

But I can't decide how I feel about this PARTICULAR elaborately beskirted dress. The colors are interesting, but the top part does feel a bit like a lazily bedazzled tank, which is slowly being devoured by a sea creature from the treacherous deep. And it's also unfortunately VERY challenging to wear a dress in this vein without being compared to the benchmark of giant-traindom, Penelope Cruz's 2007 Versace from the Oscars:

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