Fug The Cover

I just don't know anything anymore.

Is this good? Is this bad? Has Renee always used that accent over the second E in her name (Wikipedia says "yes," IMDb says "sometimes," I say, "huh, I never noticed")? Also, why is In Style using the same accent over the E in "decor"? I mean, if Elle Decor doesn't need an accent, why does In Style? Is it just to seem FANCY?! And why do I care? The real question is: does Renee look better than usual? That color is nice on her. But that haircut, it's excruciating still. Right? RIGHT?

Okay, first of all: WHY ARE THERE SO MANY WORDS ON THIS COVER? I can't FOCUS. I apparently should be: crying at work; eating more; worrying about organic foods scamming me; worrying about my sister secretly being a porn star; trying twenty-five new beauty products in the hopes of changing my life; worrying if dudes secretly hate my outfits, leading to my -- it is implied -- dying alone and under a bookshelf; worrying also about what my look says about me; worrying about whether or not I am a snob about my boyfriend's job; running out and buying a spring dress (that my boyfriend, it seems, will secretly hate), strappy sandals and a big bag; ALL while wondering what the deal is with Kate Bosworth and her quarter-life crisis. That is a TALL ORDER, people. I have a lot going on. I can barely read those many words, much less concern myself with all of them. But most importantly, can we finally please call a stop to the Famously Skinny Starlet Looks Sexily Exhausted And Hungry-style cover? I can't imagine Kate Bosworth wants people to look at her on this cover and think, "man, she looks really stressed and mildly resentful."  Unless this photo is supposed to be representative of how she looked mid-quarter-life crisis: beautiful, but very unhappy to be photographed. In which case, well done.

Okay, I have a confession. You guys already know about my secret, shameful love of The Ghost Whisperer, but that's merely the tip of an iceberg called Embarrassing Things I Secretly Love, which also includes Flaming Hot Cheetos and the MacGruber skit on Saturday Night Live. This time, I must confess to you that I secretly love the low-rent city-centric magazines you get for free at the airport. Like this one:

(Las Vegas boasts like eleven of said magazines, all of which you can find in your hotel room and all of which also feature an interview with either Rita Rudner, Danny Gans, or Carrot Top.)  Anyway, while I generally prefer snagging these sorts of rags while on vacation, I haven't been to Vegas recently, so this little delight comes courtesy of an eagle-eyed reader who rightly noted that Gabrielle Union -- on whom I have a total crush, if you must know. She's really pretty! -- appears to be checking to make sure she shaved her armpits this morning. You know, in a really photogenic way, but still. What is this saying about the fine, fine city of Las Vegas? VEGAS: DON'T FORGET YOUR PITS! Or, VEGAS: DON'T WORRY! WE HAVE LOTS OF VENUS RAZORS IN OUR FINE HOTEL GIFT STORES! Or, VEGAS: HEY, RELAX. WE DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR BODY HAIR. BUT YOUR RIGHT BOOB LOOKS LIKE IT MIGHT BE ABOUT TO POP OUT. THAT'S OKAY, TOO!  I guess, when it comes right down to it, all three of those things are true.

We've gotten several emails about this cover, but I have to admit that when I got it in the mail the other day, I didn't really think much of it, other than, "The orange and pink together is SO Lucky. Is that Hilary Duff? I wonder what she's been up to. Do we have any ice cream?" Now that I look at it more closely, of course, I must concur with the kind reader who pointed out that her lipstick appears to be a new shade from Revlon called Dead Like Me. As for the rest of it, well...what do you think?

Over the last few years or so, something interesting has happened: I have started to like Mariah Carey. I don't know why. I think I must find her amusing or something. It certainly helps that her most recent video features Kenneth the Page from 30 Rock.  And EVERYTHING is better with some Kenneth the Page mixed in. In fact, I think this cover could have used some Kenneth:

Call me crazy, but I feel like there comes a point in a woman's life where she needs to put away unflattering droopy-diaper shorts and freakishly low-cut corset-esque sports bras and move on. Even if that woman IS Madonna.

Admittedly, I haven't bought or read InStyle in a long time, because it's a little too rich for my blood -- I don't walk by Banana Republic and think to myself, "Aw, how sweet, a bargain-basement store" -- but this past weekend I snapped up the March 2008 issue with Eva Longoria on the front, because it was wickedly hideous and I had to have it.

Inside she says, "It makes me feel old, but I love it," and she's referring to being called "Mrs. Parker" when they're in Texas, but it might also refer to the cover photo.

Seriously, that doesn't even really look like her face to me. It's so... sharp. In my mind's eye, that's actually a Miami Beach socialite in her late thirties who just got fresh cheek implants, and is about to start a gig on a cruise ship opening for Kathie Lee Gifford at the Lido Deck Lounge.

Even InStyle clearly felt so concerned that you wouldn't recognize the pursed lips and cocked brows that the designers chucked any reference to the story inside (a peek inside her closet, which offers almost nothing interesting or surprising except MAYBE that she owns an entire wall full of black shoes and a minimum of $7000 in Louboutins), in favor of slapping her name over the picture in the biggest font size possible, as if to be like, "No, SERIOUSLY, it's HER. WE'D GET SUED FOR THIS IF IT WEREN'T, SO IT HAS TO BE." Although frankly, if I were her, I might sue them for it anyway.

The Setting: The offices of Paper Magazine

The Players: Two staffers: a stylist, and an editor

The Topic: Lindsay Lohan's upcoming cover shoot:

THE EDITOR: Do you really think she'll wear this?

THE STYLIST: Sure!

EDITOR: Is this a robe, or a tunic?

STYLIST: Sort of six of one, half-dozen of the other.

EDITOR: It's knee-length...

STYLIST:...with this crazy high-slits up the side. Cute, right?

EDITOR:  Yeah. I'm just worried it might be too...

STYLIST:  Modest?

EDITOR: Yes. Considering the subject.

STYLIST: Have you ever worked with Lindsay?

EDITOR: No.

STYLIST: Oh, honey. Don't worry. She'll find a way to make it look like she hasn't got any pants on, come hell or high water.

EDITOR: I don't know whether to be relieved by that or not.

So, this went badly:

So, let me see if I've gleaned the correct message from this cover: this Spring, it will be the height of chic for women previously renowned for their cute, off-kilter spunkiness and sexy regular-girl charm to re-envision themselves as stoned-looking, moderately greasy mannequins with quasi-80s hair, wearing a scrunchie as a top? Good to know.

It's no secret that I am a huge fan of Rachel Bilson's style lately. She goes out to get some ice cream and I want to pop up and hand her a Well Played. I just think she's been dressing so well lately. And she's so tiny, but never shows up looking like she just stepped off the midnight train from Stumpyville. So why did Seventeen decide that it would be an awesome idea if she recreated a Seventeen cover from when I was in 8th grade?

SO 8Os. The only way I will approve is if the inside ALSO recreates the Seventeen of my youth, specifically including a photoshoot I have never forgotten despite the fact that it is probably nearly twenty years old: Johnny Depp, wearing a striped shirt, holding a puppy. You know how they say that when you die, one of your loved ones comes out of the light to escort you to heaven? I think it's very possible that when I finally fatally overdose on chalupas or whatever, Johnny Depp is going to emerge from the sky with that puppy to carry me home. In other news, I imagine overdosing on chalupas isn't the #1 Secret to a GREAT BODY, as per that headline, but what are you gonna do?