Fug The Cover Archives

July 30, 2009

Fug or Fab the Cover: Taylor Momsen

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Teen Vogue

So, as I think I've said before, I kind of totally love Teen Vogue. For one thing, I love its handy size. It fits right in my purse. (Well, my purse is huge. I could fit the OED in there. But TV fits inside it EASILY.) It's always a treat to flip though on a plane. And I like that they haven't tried to tamp down Taylor Momsen's....Momsenness. I mean, say what you will about her look -- and we have -- she certainly does have her own style and it's nice that they're attempting to working with it. Giving her some kind of wholesome fluffy look would probably be about as successful as trying to shove a grapefruit through the eye of a needle, so props for not even trying. I love her trench. And I honestly think the styling here is pretty great. But...let's talk about her makeup. MUST even TEEN FREAKING VOGUE leap on Momsen's I Just Woke Up From A TOTAL Bender Wearing Heavy Eye Makeup AND Red Lipstick look? Could they not go the old Jane route and give the poor kid a mild make-under? Just a small one? A teeny one? A tiny one? One that she would barely even notice? Couldn't they even just try? I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO WASH HER FACE A LITTLE BIT. Not even the whole face. Just part of the face. The lips. Or the eyes. Or ONE eye, even. Or just her lower lip. Do something, Teen Vogue. Do anything. Don't be part of the problem.

poll by twiigs.com

July 23, 2009

Fug or Fab the Cover: Katherine Heigl

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In Style

Katherine Heigl? Pretty. The dress? Pretty. This picture? Pretty...AWKWARD. AM I RIGHT, LADIES? THANKS EVERYONE, I'LL BE HERE ALL WEEK!

poll by twiigs.com

July 15, 2009

Fug the Cover: Amy Adams

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While I DO want to love my hair -- I seriously considered buying the $140 shampoo discussed in this month's Lucky until I realized that might be a little bit crazy considering that I am not actually J. Lo - and as much as I fully plan to read about women who sleep with their stylists, never having had a stylist who was intrigued even vaguely by my gender, I seriously have to wonder what happened to the story that Allure's cover photo is clearly advertising. I believe it was originally called, "Conjuncti-VITAL! You CAN Pull Off The Pink Eyeshadow Trend!" Could they have possibly realized that was a bald-faced lie? And if so, does that mean the rest of the cover lines are pure honest truth and I can therefore eat like seven of those no-guilt desserts? Sign me up!

July 9, 2009

Fug or Fab the Cover: Rachel Weisz

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Harper's Bazaar

[Photo: Splash News]

Let's talk about this.

She's beautiful, of course.
Does she look a bit...vampiric?
Although vampires are really IN right now.
I like hot pink!
She looks hungry.
FOR BLOOD?
Maybe just for a sandwich
That's a LOT of makeup.
It's a magazine cover, you dolt! THEY WEAR MAKEUP. Besides, she's supposed to be SMOULDERING. What better way to smoulder than via massive amounts of eyeliner?
That's an excellent question.

poll by twiigs.com

July 2, 2009

Fug The Cover: Sandra Bullock

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In Style

I find Sandra Bullock a bit fabulous. Once, I saw her at a hockey game with her husband, and they randomly were sitting next to Kid Rock and his Pammy-lite date having a gay old time in totally arena-appropriate casual clothes, and she and Jesse helped out a kid who took a puck to the head by getting him some water or something -- I don't know, the memory is fuzzy, as if maybe it was ME that got walloped on the head -- and the whole thing was endearing. She seems like she'd be incredibly fun to go get a beer and some BBQ with, while we talk about how jumpsuits are stupid and maybe get shouty over some sports on the TV and end up having to call cabs home because, oops, that was one too many pitchers of Shiner Bock.

So I wish this cover had done her more justice:

[Photo: Splash News]

At least UK In Style agrees that I'd like to grab a meal with her, but is this really the best picture of Sandra's face? There is something so aggressive and overly intense about it. Like she was on a break during the photo shoot, and the photographer came up to her and said, "Look, I'm having a really bad day -- I just ate a cat for breakfast and I'm pretty sure my underwear is on backwards and my cousin just came back from the dead after a tragic decapitation accident," and Sandy paused for a sec, hoisted her leg up on a chair, leaned forward and said, "You're shitting me, right?" And of course then the photographer would scream with joy and snap a photo, because clearly that mixture of barely suppressed revulsion, confusion, disbelief, and one squished boob is SO 2009.

July 1, 2009

Fug or Fab the Cover: Emma Watson

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Elle,
Harry Potter

We have gotten many a concerned email about this cover from readers, and I must admit that I feel you. But not really because of Emma, so much -- her face looks great, I think, and the rocker girl hair is a fun change from Hermione Granger (not that I don't love you, Hermione). We don't get to see her look hot very often and this is a nice youthful hot that doesn't feel all awkward. It's more that I am totally weirded out by the office stool they're making her straddle. This photo feels like....well, picture it: you're sitting at your desk at Elle, just minding your own business. You know your wacky officemate Emma Watson is off in the beauty closet, doing something. But she totally surprises you when she straddles her office chair and pushes herself across the room to your desk to pay you a visit and show off her hilarious/fierce Chanel get-up and massive eyeliner. You pick up the Polaroid on your desk and take a few jokey pictures of her. (If this were a movie, a montage would break out, obviously.) And this is like your jokey montage pictures somehow landed on the cover of Elle. Which would be fine if she wasn't on an office chair. It's just...weird to me. Also, that bodice looks like a chalice, but who am I to argue?

poll by twiigs.com

June 19, 2009

Fug the Cover: Kate Hudson

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random-ass magazines

So, we got this cover shot several times from a variety of our lovely Australian readers, and I meant to get to it before now, but...I don't know what happened. You know how it goes. You're minding your own business, just standing in front of the fridge for hours and eating peanut butter from a spoon, and then before you know it, the week is out and you didn't get nearly as much done as you intended and your pants don't fit anymore. Here's the thing: Kate Hudson is as cute as a basket of babies. THIS GIRL is cute too, but she's much pointier and more neckless than K. Hud and, call me crazy, but do any of us take a photo in the hopes that we'll turn out with less neck? Generally, the answer is no. On the other hand, I clearly need to read about what guys think of my outfits. Right now, my guess is that they're thinking, "damn. That girl has peanut butter all down the front of her shirt."

June 16, 2009

Fug the Cover: Sienna Miller

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polls,
Vogue

Sienna Miller. On the cover of Vogue. AGAIN. Has there EVER been an actress more fawned over by Vogue with less cause? Yes, I know she's in a Broadway play opening this summer, and she's in GI Joe, but COME ON. I feel like she could be guest-starring in a ShamWow commercial and A Dubs would toss her on a cover with a headline like, "SIENNA MILLER: On tough spills, two-for-one specials, and OxyClean." Also, we KNOW it's not hard for you to fall in love, Sienna. We were all here for the Balthazar Getty debacle. You might as well say something like, "It's not hard for me to land on the cover of Vogue." It's, like, common knowledge. That being said -- and in the name of fairness -- I must admit that she looks much better here than she did on this Vogue cover. But good God, is that damning with faint praise. And there's something hilarious about the fact that they've given her a long, faux ponytail and then slapped her with the headline, "Are You Ready to Cut Your Hair?" According to something I recently read about The September Issue (the documentary about the making of the particular Vogue issue to which I just linked, which I have not seen myself, although in the interest of full disclosure, I know people who worked on it, although I have no juicy inside information about it -- are those enough disclaimers for now? Jeez), Lady Bobbingsworth was irked that Sienna wouldn't do anything with her hair for them for THAT cover, so this particular headline actually might just be passive-aggressiveness. Which actually sort of makes me like the whole thing a lot better all of a sudden.

poll by twiigs.com

June 12, 2009

Fug-or-Fab The Cover: UK Cosmo

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Cosmo

As with a lot of magazine covers out there, it's not so much that Cameron Diaz looks BAD here:

[Photo: Splash News]

She just doesn't look like herself. In fact, this whole cover feels cracked-out, like it's a designer-impostor publication called Cosmicpolitan that's trying to trick people at the newsstand into thinking it's the real thing. Even the cover lines -- which, incidentally, match her lipstick -- read like a joke issue of Cosmo and totally dwarf her presence. Seriously, there are a bajillion things I notice on this page before I even notice the ID that it's Cameron Diaz: "great sex," "dress sexy," "butt naked," "Super Diet," and "sex toy." My eye actually even went to "stalker" first.

So as far as the casual onlooker is concerned, this might as well be some random blonde chick who -- thanks to sexy clothes and a 10-day wheat purge -- just had the best bronco ride of her life atop a butt-naked man that she stalked for a year, who knows how to use props. And maybe that's all true of Cammy here (I don't know her life), but if you're going to all the trouble of putting her on and in your magazine, don't you want to make it feel more unique? As opposed to using a photo that looks as if it got pulled from a 2003 archive that went on clearance sale, and which is now used exclusively in those 150 Great Looks For Blondes magazines you only see at your hairdresser's?

poll by twiigs.com

June 10, 2009

Fug the Cover: Scarlett Johansson

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Elle

I don't speak French, per se; though I can recognize what some words are and how to say them, I took Spanish as my foreign language in high school. So while I can't be positive what some of the cover lines are on this issue of French Elle, I get a lot more enjoyment out of filling in the blanks myself with what I think is applicable:

For example, right by Scarlett's right arm, I decided it says, "New home, new baby? WHY SWEET JESUS WHY?!? I HAVEN'T SLEPT IN TWO MONTHS." Further down, I've decided the "affaire courjault" one is suggesting that she have a torrid and slightly gross orgy with three dudes who dress as court jesters for a living, which will tire her out a LOT, but at least she'll have a good story to tell people over coffee the next day while she tries to wake up enough to go to work.

You get the idea. I don't care or want to know what they ACTUALLY say (so, no e-mails necessary): It's impossible for me to look at any of this without thinking that Scarlett looks like she posed for this cover after four sleepless nights in a row, which involved a lot of wine and some Rock Band and possibly that jester orgy, and then at least three viewings of Beaches, during which cried herself silly. I appreciate au naturel as much as the next girl, but there is a gray area between "Photoshopped into a cartoon" and "It's 3 a.m. and I am still wearing last Thursday's bra." So the problem for Elle becomes, I'm not sure I'd want to buy this magazine based on the cover image of a really exhausted, hungry-looking girl and a story about how to lose a size in three weeks. Because whatever it is she's doing, I think I want to do the opposite.

Fug The Cover

Fug or Fab the Cover: Taylor Momsen

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Fug or Fab the Cover: Katherine Heigl

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Fug the Cover: Amy Adams

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Fug or Fab the Cover: Rachel Weisz

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Fug The Cover: Sandra Bullock

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Fug or Fab the Cover: Emma Watson

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Fug the Cover: Kate Hudson

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Fug the Cover: Sienna Miller

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Fug-or-Fab The Cover: UK Cosmo

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Fug the Cover: Scarlett Johansson

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