Fug The Cover Archives

June 12, 2009

Fug-or-Fab The Cover: UK Cosmo

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Cosmo

As with a lot of magazine covers out there, it's not so much that Cameron Diaz looks BAD here:

[Photo: Splash News]

She just doesn't look like herself. In fact, this whole cover feels cracked-out, like it's a designer-impostor publication called Cosmicpolitan that's trying to trick people at the newsstand into thinking it's the real thing. Even the cover lines -- which, incidentally, match her lipstick -- read like a joke issue of Cosmo and totally dwarf her presence. Seriously, there are a bajillion things I notice on this page before I even notice the ID that it's Cameron Diaz: "great sex," "dress sexy," "butt naked," "Super Diet," and "sex toy." My eye actually even went to "stalker" first.

So as far as the casual onlooker is concerned, this might as well be some random blonde chick who -- thanks to sexy clothes and a 10-day wheat purge -- just had the best bronco ride of her life atop a butt-naked man that she stalked for a year, who knows how to use props. And maybe that's all true of Cammy here (I don't know her life), but if you're going to all the trouble of putting her on and in your magazine, don't you want to make it feel more unique? As opposed to using a photo that looks as if it got pulled from a 2003 archive that went on clearance sale, and which is now used exclusively in those 150 Great Looks For Blondes magazines you only see at your hairdresser's?

poll by twiigs.com

June 10, 2009

Fug the Cover: Scarlett Johansson

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Elle

I don't speak French, per se; though I can recognize what some words are and how to say them, I took Spanish as my foreign language in high school. So while I can't be positive what some of the cover lines are on this issue of French Elle, I get a lot more enjoyment out of filling in the blanks myself with what I think is applicable:

For example, right by Scarlett's right arm, I decided it says, "New home, new baby? WHY SWEET JESUS WHY?!? I HAVEN'T SLEPT IN TWO MONTHS." Further down, I've decided the "affaire courjault" one is suggesting that she have a torrid and slightly gross orgy with three dudes who dress as court jesters for a living, which will tire her out a LOT, but at least she'll have a good story to tell people over coffee the next day while she tries to wake up enough to go to work.

You get the idea. I don't care or want to know what they ACTUALLY say (so, no e-mails necessary): It's impossible for me to look at any of this without thinking that Scarlett looks like she posed for this cover after four sleepless nights in a row, which involved a lot of wine and some Rock Band and possibly that jester orgy, and then at least three viewings of Beaches, during which cried herself silly. I appreciate au naturel as much as the next girl, but there is a gray area between "Photoshopped into a cartoon" and "It's 3 a.m. and I am still wearing last Thursday's bra." So the problem for Elle becomes, I'm not sure I'd want to buy this magazine based on the cover image of a really exhausted, hungry-looking girl and a story about how to lose a size in three weeks. Because whatever it is she's doing, I think I want to do the opposite.

May 28, 2009

Fug The Cover: Lady Gaga

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We have gotten a ton of e-mails about this cover in the last few days, and since it's a slow week thanks to the recent holiday -- I guess all our celebrities are too hung over to put much effort into their fuggery? -- I decided to go ahead and post it even though it might give us all nightmares.

Considering this woman routinely wears leotards, or bra-and-panty sets, or uses pieces of actual tape to cover her boobs where most of the sane world would use this revolutionary thing called a "shirt," then being clad entirely in bubbles is really not even that shocking. It's only really a step or two removed from the norm (and she's practically already done it on stage anyway).

But I wonder if, in actuality, she would like this cover. Yes, she's naked, and yes, she looks curvy, and yes, she fancies herself a performance artist. But did the whole thing HAVE to come together and create the twisted visage of a cross between Dita Von Teese and Dee Snyder?

I think I'll just back away slowly and thank the magazine gods that Rolling Stone stopped publishing on that really huge paper.

May 27, 2009

Fug The Cover: Beyonce

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Marie Claire

I saw this on the newsstand while in line at the pharmacy yesterday, and felt so uncomfortable I had to avert my eyes. Not because of the outfit -- although I suppose the dress does subtract her actual figure from this equation, making her look rather straight up-and-down, and the bracelet seems like it's made from the digits of one of her robot hands:

No, instead, I just wanted Beyonce to stop STARING AT ME like that. Presumably, this choice of photo has nothing to do with pimping "317 Sexy Looks," because that particular expression on Beyonce's face is not so much sexy as stalker-manic, as if she's both crazy and deeply high on Red Bull and Mountain Dew -- which makes it deliciously amusing that the cover line about caffeine junkies is plastered just southeast of her possessed countenance. Her face looks like she's ten seconds away from stalking up to a dude in a bar and blabbering, "Hey baby, I think you're really cute, and I think we should go back to your place and I'll make you my mother's special omelet recipe tomorrow morning and then we can go to the park and pet some dogs but I'm allergic to dogs so we can't go out and buy a dog together which is FINE because we SHOULDN'T do that anyway until you've met my mother BUT SHE'S GOING TO LOVE YOU, AND THIS BAR DOESN'T SELL ESPRESSO AND OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO NEED ONE SO IF YOU DON'T HAVE AN ESPRESSO MACHINE THEN WE'LL HAVE TO REGISTER FOR ONE WHEN WE GET MARRIED, AND I DON'T BELIEVE IN GETTING HITCHED DURING FOOTBALL SEASON BUT APRIL WOULD BE A GREAT TIME SO LET'S CHECK OUR CALENDARS TONIGHT AND PICK A DATE AND WE'RE ALSO THROWING OUT ALL YOUR SHIRTS BECAUSE THEY'RE UGLY AND NO MORE NINTENDO AND COULD YOU PLEASE JUST ORDER ME A GODDAMN DIET COKE OR A CAPPUCCINO OR SOMETHING BECAUSE I WANT TO BE REEEEEEEEEEEEEALLY AWAKE TONIGHT WHEN WE CONSUMMATE OUR ENGAGEMENT!!!!!"

The above explanation ALSO could pertain to the stories about how pillow talk could land a girl in jail. All of which is unfortunate when you consider her recent movie was called Obsessed. Beyonce might want to burn all these covers before anyone discovers she and Sasha Fierce have another alter-ego sister, Bertha Nutjob.

May 27, 2009

Fug or Fab the Cover: Cameron Diaz

Here's the thing about this cover: it's fine. Cammy D looks approachable and crisp. And maybe a little older than she actually is. But it's not HIDEOUS. She has all her body parts attached, she's not wearing a beach ball as a hat, she doesn't look as though she's had someone else's eyes photoshopped onto her face. And yet. One would hope, I imagine, that one would look AMAZING on the cover of Vogue, especially considering the fact that she looks fantastic in the photoshoot on the inside (and was actually, I thought, quite charming in the interview). The choices magazines make about their cover shots are often kind of beyond me -- obviously -- and I know there are a lot of factors to consider, but wouldn't you want the BEST picture to be the one on the cover? I know smiley photos sell better, as well as approachable ones, but I suspect that one of the reasons Cameron Diaz is successful in general is that she is almost ALWAYS smiling and approachable-seeming (excluding that time she was dating Justin Timberlake and they were both unbearable crabapples) so I'm pretty sure we're not in a situation where this was like the ONLY Smiley Approachable picture. I don't know. This just isn't filling me with the unbearable desire to plonk down $4 for the magazine. And while I've got you here: I'm thrilled Vogue is including "the fashion steal of the month" -- it's smart, considering Our Terrible Hideous Crumbling Economy RUN RUN TO THE HILLS -- but someone needs to give A Dubs the tip that a $300 bikini is NOT A GREAT DEAL. IT'S A BIKINI. TARGET HAS THEM FOR $30. SWEET FANCY SNICKERS, LADY, A $300 BIKINI IS STILL INSANE WHAT ARE YOU SMOKING I LOVE YOU DON'T HURT ME.

poll by twiigs.com

May 13, 2009

Fug the Cover: Kat Dennings and Olivia Thirlby

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Nylon

[Photo: Nylon Magazine]

I'M SO SURE. The 80s flashbacks on this week's Gossip Girl felt less contrived than this does. I can't imagine either Kat Dennings or Olivia Thirlby got this in the mail and clasped her hands together with glee and gasped, "fabulous! Now more people are going to want to punch me in the face! Just what I wanted!" And yet that is exactly what this has achieved. Girls, allow me to impart a valuable lesson: when someone asks you if you're interested in recreating scenes from The Wedding Singer on camera, you are allowed to say no. A little restraint in this area will only help your career in the long run.

May 12, 2009

Fug or Fab the Cover: Jessica Simpson

When I first saw this cover, I must admit that I thought, "oh, GOD, J Simp. Can you ever take a picture without that open mouth, slack-jawed look?" Because, literally -- look at Vanity Fair''s slideshow. Her mouth is open in every single photo, with the exception of one. Which is not to say that she doesn't look beautiful, because she does. Just beautiful AND slack-jawed. At some point, you'd think someone would decide that maybe Pretty But Dim isn't the best cover choice when it comes to selling this particular magazine, which isn't exactly aimed at the world's dim bulbs and dull knives (I always think of VF as being Smart Fluff, while, say, US Weekly is Juicy Fluff, and People is Fluff Plus Babies Who Fell Down Wells). Surely there was a photo of La Simpson in which she looked like she had a thought in her pretty head...no? PS: I'm sure she's thrilled they decided to bring up The Mom Jeans Heard Around the World again. Because why would she want to put that behind her?

poll by twiigs.com

April 30, 2009

Fug the Cover: Rachel McAdams

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Marie Claire

When I saw this cover on the newsstand, I actually stopped in my tracks and thought, "So Katie Holmes FINALLY grew out her hair and went full zombie?!?"

But no, it's just poor, pretty Rachel McAdams, trying very hard not to look like herself because she's being forced to stare down the camera with crazy eyes -- as if her advertised "lusty side" involves rooting through your garbage, finding stubs of incense you burn that she rubs on her skin so she can smell like you, showing up unannounced on your front door clothed only in In N Out wrappers because she's followed you there five times and knows you like it, and then suggesting she will only be truly happy if she can suck on a popsicle made of your left foot and wear your skin as pajamas.

April 20, 2009

Fug The Cover: Zac Efron

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We have gotten a lot of e-mails about this cover, most of them inquiring about when, exactly, Zac Efron became his own bobblehead.

Now, I would've thought Zac Efron didn't need a continuing education in which he's taught not to hire strippers. And as much as I appreciate GQ's attempts to give him a grown-up five o'clock shadow -- or, well, maybe more of a lunchtime tincture -- it doesn't take away from the fact that he's dressed like he's hosting a '60s sock-hop for TV. I mean, the kid was in Hairspray. We've been there, done that, and watched several 13-year old girls scream themselves into a dead faint over it.

But it's ALSO totally true that Zac's head looks rather too big for his body. What is he supposed to learn from that? Not to get a huge ego? Not to agree to Zac Efron Bobblehead Night at Dodger Stadium? I suppose "Smart Clothes for Tough Times" might be a very handy primer for Zac on how to cope sartorially with this wrenching, emotional phase in which his skull is ballooning to sizes unforeseen, but I suspect this is all just a big clue not to pose for GQ any more.

April 15, 2009

Fug the Cover: Blake Lively

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I'm Scared

Whoa. Um. This is...unfortch. Blake Lively is a tall, blonde, gorgeous drink of water. This person is a cracked out little cup of yogurt who hasn't washed her face in three weeks and has caught a raging case of LittleJitits from dipping too deeply into Taylor Momsen's eyeliner kit. How much more clearly must I spell it out for you? I'M SCARED.

Fug The Cover

Fug-or-Fab The Cover: UK Cosmo

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Fug the Cover: Scarlett Johansson

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Fug The Cover: Lady Gaga

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Fug The Cover: Beyonce

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Fug or Fab the Cover: Cameron Diaz

Fug the Cover: Kat Dennings and Olivia Thirlby

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Fug or Fab the Cover: Jessica Simpson

Fug the Cover: Rachel McAdams

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Fug The Cover: Zac Efron

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Fug the Cover: Blake Lively

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