Fug The Cover Archives

January 22, 2009

Fug the Cover: Jenna Fischer

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Self magazine

Can we discuss why someone at Self hates Jenna Fischer? Seriously. She's CUTE. And yet here they appear to have photoshopped her face to the point where it looks like each of her eyes is from a totally different picture -- and, indeed, perhaps a totally DIFFERENT PERSON. Is it possible that Self's photo editor is a John Krasinski mega-fan, who has convinced herself that she and John can finally wed on the astral plane or whatever once she breaks up Jim and Pam, and that the only way to do that is to make poor Jenna Fischer's face look like it's oh so slowly melting? Because that seems like a bad idea. It's certainly not doing any of us any favors.

January 16, 2009

Fug the Cover: Isla Fisher

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Allure

This is an AMAZING cover....for 1987. Which reminds me, I am totally late for social studies! I knew taking those last ten minutes to write a letter to the cast of 21 Jump Street wasn't a good use of my time. WHEN am I going to have time to read about how to order a steak? I'LL NEVER FIGURE THAT OUT ON MY OWN.

December 19, 2008

Fug the Cover: Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway

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random-ass magazines

Uh, this is awkward. Where to begin? Well, as one of the readers who alerted us to this pointed out, Kate Hudson could NOT have been more awkwardly Photoshopped into this scenario. I'm not even sure if that's actually HER. It might just be a Kate Hudson look-a-like, or a Kate Hudson cardboard stand-up which someone stole from the marketing department of whatever movie studio is producing the film in which she, apparently, is starring as one of the Real Housewives of Orange County. That would also explain why Hathaway is giving us that knowing, "KILL ME NOW" smirk. Also, perhaps because after suffering The Break-Up Of The Year, the last thing she wants to do is talk about weddings. If I were her, I would be asking my publicist if I could pose on the cover of, like, Can We Stop Talking About My Break-Up Monthly, or Yes, I DID Handle That Well; Let's Talk About Global Warming Or Whatever Now Weekly or Probably Just Going To Be Single For a While, But Don't Worry About Me, I'm Cool Review. That magazine has great book reviews, by the way. In case you were wondering.

December 10, 2008

Fug The Covers: Elle

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We'd gotten plenty of e-mails about Beyonce's dual Elle covers, but nothing prepared me for seeing it fly through my mail slot and land in my foyer. I might have yelped.

First, though, let's look at the newsstand cover -- the one, presumably, that Elle thinks WON'T send people running screaming to Marie Claire:

[Photo: Splash News]

This picture is fine, I guess. I'm not sure about the painful-looking art-deco napkin rings she's wearing on her left arm, and her random sash kind of jumps out at me as something you would wear if you were feeling really bloated that day and wanted some camouflage, rather than something that actually looks good out in the world as part of that outfit. Oh, and her smile reminds me of nothing so much as the triangular grins they draw onto South Park characters, which in turn reminds me that I haven't watched Woodland Critter Christmas yet this season.

Overall, it's resoundingly average. But what tickles me is that the way that, in these troubled times when all I want is positive reinforcement, Elle is reaching out and saying, "Listen. You ARE kind of a disaster. And let's face it, you probably won't get that much better. But we promise we will expend minimal effort to make you marginally less tragic." They're looking into whether there's a fat gene that may or may not make your waistline inevitable (subtext: dieting might NEVER WORK so just QUIT until you're sure), there's hairstyles they SPECIFICALLY say are for hopeless people, and the entire issue is themed as "MAKE BETTER." Not "makeover," or "make fabulous," or even "how to feel fabulous even though we're all freaking poor and waiting for the sky to fall." I would like a little optimism with my recession. Instead, it's tips for people who don't feel like putting in that much work, and are willing to reap the minute rewards of the lackluster seeds they're sowing. In short, this cover needs Prozac and maybe some caffeine.

Still, any objections I had to Beyonce's styling were quickly put to rest when the postman shoved Sasha Fierce's subscriber cover through my door. With apologies for the crappy color quality -- my scanner must have some kind of hangover -- feast on this:

Continue reading Fug The Covers: Elle.

December 5, 2008

Fug or Fab the Cover: Britney Spears

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Glamour

"Look, y'all! I totally didn't die! Don't lie: I KNOW you know you know I know you thought I was gonna buy the farm that time I shaved my head and hit that SUV with the umbrella, but truth is, I was just acting out, y'all. I feel like I sang "Lucky" over and over and over and over and over again and NO ONE HEARD the part where I was talking about how I cried cried cried in my lonely heart and if there was nothing in my yadda yadda why did the tears etc? That was the MOST IMPORTANT PART OF THAT SONG, PEOPLE. AND NO ONE LISTENED. Ergo my incarceration and stuff. ANYHOODLE, I'm out now and let's get right to the point: I look GOOD again. My dad doesn't let me eat anything white and, sure, there are days when I think about those Melendez brothers or whatever their names are and I totally understand why they killed their parents but in the long rung, I am pretty sure he's right that I'm happier with six-pack abs. And now I'm back on magazines again and they're not all like, "BRITNEY: WHAT WENT WRONG" or "BRITNEY: CAN YOU LISTEN TO HER MEGAMIX WHILE DOING CARDIO WITHOUT FEELING REAL BAD ABOUT IT?" or whatever and boy am I relieved about that because everyone acting like I was going to kick it was totally embarrassing. Now I get to be all strong and have comebacks and be the underdog and stuff and everyone knows that's a way better story than someone who never had any problems in their life ever, JUSTIN. So anyway, I think I look awesome on this cover and my weave is fantastic for once unlike some people who have really bad highlights but think they're better than me just because they never hit anyone with their car, to which I say, WAIT TEN MINUTES JAMIE LYNN BECAUSE YOU ARE SOOOO GOING TO WANT TO HIT WHATHISNAME YOUR BABY DADDY WITH YOUR CAR. You just are. Anyway, I like I look great, but apparently some people disagree, so I say we put it to a vote as America is a civil union, or something like that:"

poll by twiigs.com

December 2, 2008

Fug the Cover: Julianne Moore

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Tatler

Geez, I don't know if "dazzling" would have been the word I would have choosen for this cover. "Awkward" springs to mind. Or even "uncomfortable." Possibly "afflicted with a sore neck," or "tense." Maybe even "mildly nervous" and "slightly scared." Or, "this was just the test shot to make sure the lighting was right." Potentially, "Julianne had a weird medical procedure earlier in the day that left her temporarily unable to move her arms." I'd even accept "she has a gun at her back," or "this woman is just dying to pick a very uncomfortable wedgie; it's all she can think about." But "dazzling?" Sadly, no.

November 26, 2008

Fug the Cover: Faith Hill

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Holy cannoli, what did they do to Faith Hill? For one thing, this picture doesn't even look like her. For another thing, I am concerned that at some point the makeup artist stepped aside to grab a latte or something and let a trainee from Chuckle's Clown College and School of Face Art take over on those brows. And for a third...what happened to her hair? Like, I just saw her on Today the other morning (I have a weird fondness for Faith Hill that I believe dates to those two weeks ten years ago when I could not stop singing "This Kiss," and now that I know that was TEN YEARS AGO, I have to go re-up my subscription for Geritol. Hold on.)

Okay, I'm back. What was I talking about? Oh, right: the hair. Yes. I just saw her on Today and her hair did NOT look like she picked it up off the street -- in fact, she looked lovely, as usual -- so I'm inclined to believe that whoever styled her for this shoot has a raging crush on Tim McGraw and will STOP AT NOTHING to have him, even if that means making poor Faith Hill look like she's wearing a labradoodle. Clearly, said love-crazed stylist needs to read both about the star's best beauty tricks AND the article about what Kenny Chesney learned about love. Because as far as I know, love means never defacing the object of your affection's wife's hair. Sure, it's not as catchy as some other truisms, but that doesn't mean it isn't a fact.

November 20, 2008

Fug the Cover: Kristen Stewart

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Poor Kristin Stewart. First, she's got Robert Pattison apparently going kind of Joaquin Phoenix on her on the Twilight set for a while, now THIS. She's a very pretty girl, and yet somehow, someone at Teen Vogue decided it would be best if they chose a pic of her in which she sort of looks like a dude whose mother has finally allowed him out of the house after a long and draining bout with mono. That shit ain't right.

November 14, 2008

Fug the Cover: Mariah Carey

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Is it me, or does Mariah look a bit....tired here? Sure, the holidays are stressful, but I can't imagine Mimi lacks the wherewithal, in real life, to smack on some BeneTint. Sure, sure -- we're all glad to see her freshfaced, but isn't there a bit more acreage between "freshfaced and relaxed" and "somewhat worn out?" On the other hand, I kind of need to read that easy cookies recipe. If her holiday look is "somewhat knackered," I think mine may work out to be, "slightly bloated." Thanks, carbs!

November 12, 2008

Fug The Cover: Jennifer Aniston

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Vogue

Jessica and I were just discussing how much people seem to have held onto the whole Jennifer Aniston/Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie bizarre love triangle. Seriously, they split up three years ago -- although in some ways it feels like ten, and in others, as if it were yesterday, given that people still ask them about each other every chance they get. LET IT GO, EVERYONE. Angelina should be more careful and considerate when rhapsodizing about when and how she fell in love with the married man, and for her part, when she's asked about it, Jennifer should probably just take the high road and say, "Wow, are people still talking about that? I feel like we've said everything there is to say on that subject," and then everyone can just MOVE ON so that magazine covers stop saying things like "ANGELINA: LYING SUCCUBUS HUSSY STRUMPET" or "JENNIFER DID EIGHT HOURS OF YOGA AFTER THAT COVER ABOUT HOW ANGELINA IS A LYING SUCCUBUS HUSSY STRUMPET," or in the case of Vogue, this:

She is not helped by the cover quote being taken slightly out of context, but Jennifer is REALLY not being done a solid by the choice of photo. She looks so... tense. And cranky. And like she would rather be stabbing pillows with a pair of scissors than be smiling at the camera right this second. Although I appreciate the attempt at putting "$5" on its cover in any context, and it's very nice of the magazine to try and convince me that pricey clothes are actually "investments," if I am going to pick up an issue of Vogue in these tragic times -- a pretty big "if" on ANY given day, to be honest -- I want it to inspire me, or distract me, or just basically take me away like a really ad-heavy, semi-out-of-touch box of Calgon. This does none of that. Instead, this cold-eyed cover says, "I hate this issue. I don't give a shit about you and your holiday romance or stupid bogus love stories or nice bedrooms. I just want to get the hell off this beach and move to a yurt in Deepest Mongolia because I CANNOT CATCH A BREAK. My friends all allegedly hate that I am dating John Mayer again, I can't sneeze on a dude without someone writing a story about whether I will ever get to use my uterus as a fruit bowl, Angelina won't shut her face, everyone is hell-bent on throwing everything she says back at me, and now apparently I have to FREEZE MYSELF in order to look young? I'M SO SURE. WHERE IS THE F*%&ING GIN?"

Fug The Cover

Fug the Cover: Jenna Fischer

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Fug the Cover: Isla Fisher

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Fug the Cover: Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway

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Fug The Covers: Elle

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Fug or Fab the Cover: Britney Spears

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Fug the Cover: Julianne Moore

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Fug the Cover: Faith Hill

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Fug the Cover: Kristen Stewart

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Fug the Cover: Mariah Carey

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Fug The Cover: Jennifer Aniston

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