Fug The Cover

November 12, 2008

Fug the Cover: Blake Lively

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I can hear Miss Tyra now: "Blake, where is your NECK? Also, what happened to your legs?" Missing one body part is bad enough -- I feel like missing several is cause for immediate elimination. So, Blake, please go back to the loft and pack your things. You are no longer in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model. Thank god you have a lucrative acting career  already in the works -- and a possible future as a conditioner spokeswoman, since you do have really great hair.  Possibly it's so strong and lustrous because it ATE YOUR NECK.
Permalink | Posted By Jessica at 11:42 AM in Blake Lively, Fug The Cover
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November 10, 2008

Fug the Cover: Rebecca Romijn

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Uh. Yeah. I'm going to need to see a DNA test before I believe this is actually a photo of Rebecca Romijn. We got a couple of emails from readers suggesting we look into this situation, and the first one noted that Double R looked as though she just stumbled out of a drug orgy. When I read that, I thought, "surely not!" And then I saw this. And yes. She looks totally stoned. Which might work in a droopy black and white Calvin Klein ad from 1996, but it's really awkward when you're knocked up. Sure, I imagine this is a case of some photograper barking at her to look ETHERAL and TAKEN with the idea of her GESTATING WOMB FRUIT and whatnot, but let's just say that it didn't quite come out as intended, shall we?
Permalink | Posted By Jessica at 12:17 PM in Fug The Cover
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November 6, 2008

Fug the Cover: Ashley Tisdale

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Wow, I already forgot that A. Tis used to be blonde:

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When she went darker, I was all, "A Tis! Stay blonde! It's so cute on you!" but looking at this, I'm like, "A Tis! Those extentions! They appear to be made of straw! Call your Extension Dude immediately! Also, aren't you cold in that? It's NOVEMBER. Put on a SWEATER. PS: you CAN'T get hot abs without working out, no matter what the cover here says." So maybe going back to her natural hair-suit was a wise move. Mea culpa, Ashley. Mea culpa.
Permalink | Posted By Jessica at 11:30 AM in Ashley Tisdale, Fug The Cover
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October 24, 2008

Fug the Cover: Paris Hilton

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I have sincerely been enjoying the way every other magazine in the United States has decided that because November is the month in which we elect a new president (maybe you hadn't heard), their November covers will be SUPER PATRIOTIC, and they all must OUT PATRIOT each other! Red, white and blue! Babies waving flags! People jumping out of apple pies with baseballs in one hand and the Constitution in the other! If I ran a magazine, I think I would have Michael Phelps on the cover, holding a bald eagle, wearing a red, white and blue striped Speedo and the word "VOTE" written across his chest in Sharpie. (After all, you SHOULD vote. And what better way to insist upon it than using firm pecs as America's chalkboard? Exactly. How do I not have a magazine of my very own?) And yet somehow Nylon seems to think that the most effective way to get across their love of country is a shot of Paris Hilton in which her eyes appear drugged and unfocused and her extensions are all wonky. Sure, you could say that was a conscious choice, but I prefer not to be so cynical and decide it was just a very, very bad one, especially since Paris has actually been kind of vaguely amusing lately. Still, it seems sort of tragic to have a bedraggled-looking Paris on the cover of a magazine purporting to be all about things to love about the United States, while relegating Jon Stewart to just two tiny words there on the side. Get him and Colbert popping out of that apple pie, and you've got my $4.50, kids.
Permalink | Posted By Jessica at 12:14 PM in Fug The Cover, Paris & Nicky Hilton
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October 23, 2008

Fug The Cover: Nicole Kidman

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Sigh. I got spoiled, guys. When Nicole Kidman was pregnant, she looked so much more like her normal, pre-Botox, To Die For self and I guess I hoped it would stay that way. Because I am naive.

Look at her back in April, though:

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Seriously, is that a FACIAL EXPRESSION I detect? Traces of actual movement in her brow? SMILE LINES? I thought she'd blitzed those off her face completely.

Compare that with the RoboKidman on the cover of this month's Australian In Style:
Continue reading Fug The Cover: Nicole Kidman.
Permalink | Posted By Heather at 01:25 PM in Fug The Cover, Nicole Kidman
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October 16, 2008

Fug the Cover: Sarah Jessica Parker

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I was made aware of this particular cover thanks to our friends at Girl With a Satchel, and....oh, SJP. It almost seems as though her eyes are looking in two different directions. Neither of which are at us.She just looks so tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiired. And I get it. Hasn't she been promoting Sex and the City in one way or another for the last fifteen years? And now they're all blah blah blah sequel blah blah blah prequel blah blah blah books blah blah blah LET IT GO. SAY GOOD-BYE. NOW MIGHT NOT BE THE TIME TO MAKE A MOVIE ABOUT $1200 SHOES, YOU KNOW, CULTURALLY SPEAKING. Let your super-spendy time-capsule franchise take a wee vacation. Like the one SJP looks like she needs here. Girl can't even rouse herself to do anything about those roots. On the other hand, at least her top provides ample room for snack-related bloatery. I can't complain about that.  
Permalink | Posted By Jessica at 01:22 PM in Fug The Cover, Sarah Jessica Parker
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October 10, 2008

Fug the Cover: Scarlett Johansson

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So, word on the street is that CosmoGirl is kaput. Which is a shame for its staff: it can't have been easy to take the essence of Cosmo (sex tips) and translate it for a younger audience, and goodness knows no one likes to hear about failing projects in this, Our National Time of OMG I'm Just Going To Hide All My Money In My Mattress LA LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU TALKING ABOUT THE STOCK MARKET LA LA LA LA! On the other hand, I can't help but wonder if someone at Hearst saw this copy on the coffee table, picked it up, and said, "shortie jumpers in NOVEMBER? THIS IS OVER." I mean, can't you rock the vote just as enthusiastically in, say, jeans? And without even worrying about what they're going to do to your crotch. THAT'S patriotic.
Permalink | Posted By Jessica at 12:25 PM in Fug The Cover, Scarlett Johansson
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October 9, 2008

Fug or Fab the Cover: Lauren Conrad

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I actually think LC looks kind of great here. But for one thing: "A Cougar Stole My Man." PLEASE TELL ME THEY MEAN AN ACTUAL COUGAR. I want to read that story.

Also, I think she has more of a neck than this. Maybe a goat stole it.

poll by twiigs.com
Permalink | Posted By Jessica at 11:38 AM in Fug The Cover, Fug or Fab, Lauren Conrad
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October 7, 2008

Fug the Cover: Nicole Kidman

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"HELLO READERS! I'm just getting out of the shower! You'll have to excuse my hair! Please, take a seat and read about how you can fix your awesome boyfriend's terrible moves in the sack! I suggest you read this issue while sitting across from him and taking notes! You do that now, while I go find my diffuser or a ponytail holder or something! Be back in a jiff!"
Permalink | Posted By Jessica at 11:03 AM in Fug The Cover, Nicole Kidman
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October 2, 2008

Fug the Cover: Diane Kruger

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I like to think that somewhere in Moscow, my Russian doppelganger is waiting in the checkout line to buy potato chips or whatever and looking at this magazine cover and thinking, "WTF, Diane Kruger?"

You know, in Russian, clearly.
Permalink | Posted By Jessica at 11:28 AM in Diane Kruger, Fug The Cover
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