Fug The Cover Archives

November 6, 2008

Fug the Cover: Ashley Tisdale

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Wow, I already forgot that A. Tis used to be blonde:

When she went darker, I was all, "A Tis! Stay blonde! It's so cute on you!" but looking at this, I'm like, "A Tis! Those extentions! They appear to be made of straw! Call your Extension Dude immediately! Also, aren't you cold in that? It's NOVEMBER. Put on a SWEATER. PS: you CAN'T get hot abs without working out, no matter what the cover here says." So maybe going back to her natural hair-suit was a wise move. Mea culpa, Ashley. Mea culpa.

October 24, 2008

Fug the Cover: Paris Hilton

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Nylon

I have sincerely been enjoying the way every other magazine in the United States has decided that because November is the month in which we elect a new president (maybe you hadn't heard), their November covers will be SUPER PATRIOTIC, and they all must OUT PATRIOT each other! Red, white and blue! Babies waving flags! People jumping out of apple pies with baseballs in one hand and the Constitution in the other! If I ran a magazine, I think I would have Michael Phelps on the cover, holding a bald eagle, wearing a red, white and blue striped Speedo and the word "VOTE" written across his chest in Sharpie. (After all, you SHOULD vote. And what better way to insist upon it than using firm pecs as America's chalkboard? Exactly. How do I not have a magazine of my very own?) And yet somehow Nylon seems to think that the most effective way to get across their love of country is a shot of Paris Hilton in which her eyes appear drugged and unfocused and her extensions are all wonky. Sure, you could say that was a conscious choice, but I prefer not to be so cynical and decide it was just a very, very bad one, especially since Paris has actually been kind of vaguely amusing lately. Still, it seems sort of tragic to have a bedraggled-looking Paris on the cover of a magazine purporting to be all about things to love about the United States, while relegating Jon Stewart to just two tiny words there on the side. Get him and Colbert popping out of that apple pie, and you've got my $4.50, kids.

October 23, 2008

Fug The Cover: Nicole Kidman

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Sigh. I got spoiled, guys. When Nicole Kidman was pregnant, she looked so much more like her normal, pre-Botox, To Die For self and I guess I hoped it would stay that way. Because I am naive.

Look at her back in April, though:

Seriously, is that a FACIAL EXPRESSION I detect? Traces of actual movement in her brow? SMILE LINES? I thought she'd blitzed those off her face completely.

Compare that with the RoboKidman on the cover of this month's Australian In Style:

Continue reading Fug The Cover: Nicole Kidman.

October 16, 2008

Fug the Cover: Sarah Jessica Parker

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I was made aware of this particular cover thanks to our friends at Girl With a Satchel, and....oh, SJP. It almost seems as though her eyes are looking in two different directions. Neither of which are at us.She just looks so tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiired. And I get it. Hasn't she been promoting Sex and the City in one way or another for the last fifteen years? And now they're all blah blah blah sequel blah blah blah prequel blah blah blah books blah blah blah LET IT GO. SAY GOOD-BYE. NOW MIGHT NOT BE THE TIME TO MAKE A MOVIE ABOUT $1200 SHOES, YOU KNOW, CULTURALLY SPEAKING. Let your super-spendy time-capsule franchise take a wee vacation. Like the one SJP looks like she needs here. Girl can't even rouse herself to do anything about those roots. On the other hand, at least her top provides ample room for snack-related bloatery. I can't complain about that.

October 10, 2008

Fug the Cover: Scarlett Johansson

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So, word on the street is that CosmoGirl is kaput. Which is a shame for its staff: it can't have been easy to take the essence of Cosmo (sex tips) and translate it for a younger audience, and goodness knows no one likes to hear about failing projects in this, Our National Time of OMG I'm Just Going To Hide All My Money In My Mattress LA LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU TALKING ABOUT THE STOCK MARKET LA LA LA LA! On the other hand, I can't help but wonder if someone at Hearst saw this copy on the coffee table, picked it up, and said, "shortie jumpers in NOVEMBER? THIS IS OVER." I mean, can't you rock the vote just as enthusiastically in, say, jeans? And without even worrying about what they're going to do to your crotch. THAT'S patriotic.

October 9, 2008

Fug or Fab the Cover: Lauren Conrad

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I actually think LC looks kind of great here. But for one thing: "A Cougar Stole My Man." PLEASE TELL ME THEY MEAN AN ACTUAL COUGAR. I want to read that story.

Also, I think she has more of a neck than this. Maybe a goat stole it.

poll by twiigs.com

October 7, 2008

Fug the Cover: Nicole Kidman

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bad hair,
Elle

"HELLO READERS! I'm just getting out of the shower! You'll have to excuse my hair! Please, take a seat and read about how you can fix your awesome boyfriend's terrible moves in the sack! I suggest you read this issue while sitting across from him and taking notes! You do that now, while I go find my diffuser or a ponytail holder or something! Be back in a jiff!"

October 2, 2008

Fug the Cover: Diane Kruger

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Tatler

I like to think that somewhere in Moscow, my Russian doppelganger is waiting in the checkout line to buy potato chips or whatever and looking at this magazine cover and thinking, "WTF, Diane Kruger?"

You know, in Russian, clearly.

October 1, 2008

Fug or Fab the Cover: Renee Zellweger

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Self magazine

We've gotten a bunch of email about this cover, the overall tone of which was, "EW." One reader said that at first glance, she thought it was Helen Mirren on the cover and that while Helen Mirren is awesome, she's also got twenty years on Renee. Which is a very good point. On the other hand, my response was that I was impressed that Renee managed to pose on the cover of a magazine about, essentially, lady-fitness, showing naught but her ankles. Also, that I like those jeans. Also, that her face is starting to look like someone else's face, which I suspect is bad for an actress. And that, for some reason, in this picture she seems to have the waxen skin of a young Lord Voldemort -- also not a plus.

poll by twiigs.com

September 30, 2008

Fug the Cover: Jessica Simpson

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random-ass magazines

So, I was having my usual Monday night -- deep-conditioning my hair, watching Gossip Girl, eating delicacies wrapped in bacon, drinking heavily, worrying about my investments, thinking about boys, and catching up on my blog reading -- when I came across this particular delicacy (thanks to Girl With a Satchel). Cleo is an Australian magazine, and it looks rather entertaining, although I suspect I always think foreign magazines seem more entertaining than American ones just because I can't find them easily here and they therefore remind me of the kind of kicky vacation I cannot afford. That being said, I am pretty sure -- just from reading the cover! -- that I HAVE "shoppers dysmorphia," and also that I probably need to read about penis sprays, if only so that I can turn to my dining companions the next time I'm at brunch and go, "So I was reading this article about penis spray..." But we need to talk about J. Simp. Sweet merciful hot pants, I will give someone a dollar if they can get Jessica Simpson to appear on a magazine cover without looking like (a) someone just hit her on the head with a two-by-four or (b) as if she's a Fem-Bot whose settings are stuck on KILL WITH EXTREME BOREDOM. Really, a whole dollar. I know it's not much, but shouldn't we all be taking what we can get right now?

Fug The Cover

Fug the Cover: Ashley Tisdale

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Fug the Cover: Paris Hilton

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Fug The Cover: Nicole Kidman

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Fug the Cover: Sarah Jessica Parker

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Fug the Cover: Scarlett Johansson

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Fug or Fab the Cover: Lauren Conrad

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Fug the Cover: Nicole Kidman

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Fug the Cover: Diane Kruger

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Fug or Fab the Cover: Renee Zellweger

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Fug the Cover: Jessica Simpson

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