Grammys

First off, I'd like to just say that I am watching American Idol again for the first time in a couple of cycles, and I am glad to be back. I forgot how entertaining Hollywood Week is, and I really like the new judge. And it goes without saying that I am thrilled to be back in the crazy, cracked out arms of Ms Paula Abdul. Or, as we apparently have to call her now, Princess Ladypleats Metalliquad of the Glargflong Galaxy:


She seriously is the prettiest girl on all of Planet Prancyflanfg. I will never forget that episode of Star Trek where she and Captain Kirk almost run off to Oodleskerflong together and get married. You can see why he'd be into her: Kirk could never resist a lady in a beehive, and he could check out his own reflection in her belt/shoulder/glazed eyes.

So, this photo has forced my hand. I have something to tell you, dear readers. The rumors are true. We DO have an undercover gang of celebrity fuggers who report back to us about Hollywood sartorial misdoings -- things they've seen during late nights at the Chateau Marmont, people we need to keep an eye on because they've heard rumblings about potential downward spirals, gossip they've heard from their stylists. Obviously, during awards season, we're all on high alert. The GFY Celebrity Underground Gross Garment Squad (Celebrity UGGS, for short) is meeting twice a week. And sometimes, one of the UGGS is so overcome by his devotion to the cause that he breaks cover, and this happens:



Yes, Jesse McCartney is One of Us. (He originally wrote "Bleeding Love" about one of Courtney Love's outfits -- a little known fact.) He's very dedicated to the cause -- Intern George once found him weeping on the set of Summerland because Zac Efron refused to cut his bangs. Clearly, he's also one of our most kind-hearted UGGS, putting himself on the line to attempt to prevent this heinous crime:

I'm relieved to see that Lisa Rinna's Near Brush With Crotchtacularity hasn't dampened her enthusiasm for extremely high-cut skirts, and that, in fact, she now also seems to going for an advanced degree in the highly specialized arena of Cleavage: Under/Side boob.



The way this is going, I full expect her to show up at the Oscars wearing an unruly wrap-around skirt with the ass cut out and pasties. IT'S GOING TO BE AWESOME. Hey, at least it's not leopard print.

Rihanna is fascinating to me. Style-wise, she is all over the map -- tight satin, lace bodysuits, short skirts, leather, and more -- and while there's nothing wrong with that, it means that Rihanna is also a bit of a roller-coaster. She's under a huge fashion umbrella-ella-ella, is what I'm saying (because you all know I can't resist the hacky joke when it's there, and even sometimes when it's not).

As proof, check out her array of Grammy outfits. First, the ones I more-or-less liked:

Some of the details on this are nice; others are overly fussy. Mostly, the skirt just makes me wonder if it's a tribute to Sam The Eagle, or perhaps what one would wear if she was the Bride of Grover. Still, on the whole, it works. And she IS young, after all. That's the time to play around with ruffles, both of the fabric AND potato-chip variety.

This one, for me, turned out pretty cute also. The longer I look at it, the more I think the ruffles work -- at first I feared they looked like she poked her arms through two giant Fancy-Dress Scrunchies, but actually they're an interesting way to spice up the classic little black dress. Unfortunately, though, when I factor in the hair, I can't get over thinking she looks like some kind of exotic bird.

But maybe that's just because I had already seen her in this ode to A Creature:

 

Apparently, our favorite demi-nudist Bai Ling was arrested for shoplifting -- and not, in fact, skirtlifting, which is how I first read the news, and which prompted me to sigh, "Oh, come on, people, that's just WHAT SHE DOES. LET HER LIVE, DAMMIT!"

Let's enjoy her in happier times.

This is our girl as nature intended: smiling, finding creative ways to circumvent a top that appears designed not to show any boob, and overall looking like she leapt out of the pages of a Dr. Seuss book. We wouldn't be at all shocked if her first call from inside the pokey went to her ex-boyfriend The Lorax. And, yes, those ARE Band-Aids with writing on them that she is using as shin jewelry -- one is in Chinese and the other says "Happy" and... something that look like "New York," maybe, and... Well, see for yourself:

I feel like taking a tour through Natasha Bedingfield's closet would be a really interesting way to spend an afternoon. She veers from cute dresses to crazy '80s wear as fast as most people blink, plus I am always fascinated to see what kind of stuff people keep in there, buried under shoe boxes or stacks of sweaters -- or, in my case, the paint-splattered jeans and shirts I keep around for the inevitable day when I finally say, "No, seriously, THIS TIME I really AM going to paint the bathroom."

As for Natasha, I like to think that outside her closet hangs a giant blindfold she ties on before picking her clothes for the day. It helps explain the roller-coaster between this:

And what she changed into after the Grammys ended:

As ever, I with Nelly Furtado would stop making that face on the red carpet like she just downed an entire roll of SweeTarts that had been marinating in lemon juice. But I will try and set that aside, as it might take a lifetime to deprogram that instinct from her and I have far too many seasons of The Wire to get through; instead, let's focus on the rest of it.

I've never liked the blonde hair on her. Especially here -- it looks like she dipped a comb in some peroxide and ran it through once before leaving. As for the gown, I think it's a perfect example of how all the romantic draping can backfire on a girl -- instead of making her look floaty, it pulls around her hips, gets all bunchy, and essentially makes you stare at her midsection trying to figure out what's her and what is courtesy of all those folds. She's looked better, is what I'm saying.

And she can't even stand comfortably in it without creating some weird, unflattering angles. Learn your angles, Nelly! Did Tyra Banks create magical, magical television for NOTHING? DO NOT MAKE TYRA'S LABOR IN VAIN.

I do, however, love the color.

It's like she came so close to a victory, but in the end,  has to settle for Miss Congeniality. Although in this case, it's Miss Biting The Insides Of Her Cheeks Because She Kind Of Wants To Cut That Bitch Who Won The Crown But Instead She Needs To Keep Smiling And Just Think About World Peace. So I'm throwing it open to the masses to see if the hue saved her or if nothing could -- or, if the world thinks she's a beacon of deliciousness and I should just let my tiny ship crash on the rocks and reveal my secret cargo of hot pants.  One thing's for sure, though: Based on that last sentence, I should not fug before I've had breakfast. Strange things happen.

I have a confession about Ziyi Zhang (AKA Zhang Ziyi: I've seen her name listed both ways, and I'm not sure which she prefers, or which she's using more officially in the United States. Maybe I will just call her Z?). I have a tremendous girl crush on her. I just think she is SO PRETTY. Even when she's wearing this:

Yes, she looks a bit like a bejeweled puff pastry of some sort and if Lindsay Lohan showed up in this, I would be all, "Oh, GIRL."  But in this case, you could say to me, "Jessica, she looks like a bejeweled puff pastry of some sort,"  and I would just say, "I KNOW. But....she's so pretty!"

Okay, okay. Fair enough. There's something about it that looks just like a pop over. But I love pop overs! And...fine. You're right.  YOU'RE RIGHT.

I was all set to make this post a "Fug or Fab," and then I really looked at it:

No. I don't even think I need to put this to a vote. She looks like a traffic cone wrapped in tissue paper and topped with a hastily made flower, like the world's most inappropriate last-minute baby shower gift grabbed on the way to the party as the gift-giver realized when driving past a construction site she forgot to buy anything.

And I'm sure there's an "unwrapping" joke in there somewhere, but I'll let you write it yourself.

I have some love for Kimberly Williams-Paisley.  Have you SEEN her on According to Jim? HILARIOUS.

Not really.

Okay, maybe. In the interest of fairness, I must admit I've never seen According to Jim. She might be awesome on it. But my love dates from Father of the Bride, part of which was filmed close enough to my parents' house that the generator was parked outside my bedroom window for a month. Being a young teen at the time, this was basically the COOLEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED and it helped that the crew was incredibly nice to all the neighborhood kids. We got to watch them film scenes and stunts, and they answered all our questions and let us act like little PAs and did I mention that we had the run of craft services? It was a fascinating and exciting experience for a kid, and so I have deep fondness for everyone involved with that movie.

Not so much for this outfit, though, Kimmie:

It's not terrible. It just recalls nothing so much as the love child of goth bordello curtains and a pale, weak homage to Gwyneth Paltrow's most universally reviled Oscars look. A reminder: