Grammys

Okay, we know Sally Kirkland is nuts. She always looks nuts. I saw her at Forever 21 at the Beverly Center and actually thought to myself, "who is that crazy woman? Oh. Sally Kirkland."

But this is like a new height of nutsiness:

She looks like the star of an Ice Capades production of The California Raisins Story: The Geriatric Years.

Lately, Gwen Stefani has been scaring the hell out of me with her Harajuku obsession, and her insistence on styling her hair as if a vulture attacked from above and briefly became ensnared in her coif.

But I still trusted her not to ruin some things. Specifically, pirates. Everyone loves a pirate. And yet somehow, it never occured to me that Ms. Love Angel Music Fugly might want to pay tribute to them by making an unholy marriage of The Crazy and pirate chic... but, here she is on stage at the Grammys performing alongside Eve:

Eve, I believe, symbolizes the pirate's booty, even if she appears to have dieted her booty into oblivion. But she looks fine, if a little bit overeager for somebody to use her birth canal as a periscope (I hear if you look up it, you actually end up seeing things through her eyes).

And Gwen, singing her wretchedly bastardized "If I Were A Rich Man" cover, is apparently the pillaging swashbuckler -- except she looks like she's George Washington, rolling in after a night on the moonshine and drunkenly wondering where he left his pantaloons.

If only this photo showcased the effect when Gwen turned around and shook her ass -- which was, she looked like she was wearing a cloth diaper. And not a clean one. She seems happy about joining Sheryl Crow in the new "I'm A Twiggy, Muscular Shadow Of My Former Already-Thin Self" trend, but... does she have to shimmy around on-stage like a crocodile just coughed her up whole?

Strip away everything but the corset and the skirt, and there might be an outfit lurking here somewhere:

[Photo courtesy of Daily Celeb.]

But as it is, Renee Olstead decided to spruce up her ensemble with one of her favorite linen napkins, and a brocade suit jacket her mother wore on her Honeymoon thirty years ago -- a blazer she of course passed through a pair of scissors before she donned it.

Fraulein Maria might have sculpted something like this from the Von Trapp guest bedroom, had she suffered a head injury first.

Nikka Costa didn't get the memo about Formal Shorts:

[Photo courtesy of Daily Celeb]

Namely, that such a creature does not exist. Short are for gardening. For running to Home Depot. For going to the beach. For barbeques, or an outing on your boat. For jogging. For practicing your dance routine with Patrick Swayze. Not for any event at which the press may be present. Not ever.

Clearly we need to write a book entitled, How To Get Dressed Without Really Trying:

The fugculus of this dress: Black mesh + black silly string - makeup and accessories * view of her birth organs. Want to know if she's ovulating? Just look.

I know she's standing strangely, but even if she weren't, this dress wouldn't flatter Mandy Moore:

[Photo courtesy of Daily Celeb.]

That hits her in the wrong part of her hips, giving the whole thing a frumpy look that's only enhanced by the crazy mix of silver purse and gold-hued jewelry. She looks like a young cocktail waitress turned lounge singer at the Naples Yacht Club, who borrowed a gown and some fixins from the local costume shop before her big performance of "Almost Like Being In Love" for the 5 p.m. night-owl crowd on Buffet Thursday.

"Hey guys, if I could just present this award real fast, because I have to pee?

Also, I know you're all wondering why I'm dressed like a walking banana with a big old bite taken out of it, but I can't tell you that, because, frankly, I have no idea what I was thinking when I decided I should borrow this dress from my neighbor, who was a showgirl at the Tropicana in 1974.  I guess I thought it would be festive. But everyone's going to slam me for it, aren't they? I should have known when Lance said, 'THAT is MY favorite mistake' when I came out of the bathroom. I thought he meant me, in general, but now I know he means my outfit, specifically. So, yes, I know, I look like a cross-dressing, jaundice-afflicted Iggy Pop, but I'm here to present an award, so let's just get it over with so I can get back to the line for the ladies room. I really don't trust Kelly Osbourne to hold my spot for very much longer."

[Photo courtesy of Daily Celeb.]

How to make your own Grammy dress, courtesy of Blu Cantrell:

1) Find your grandmother's old shawl -- you know, the one she used to wear when she rocked you to sleep as a baby, and which was left to you in her will.

2) Cut that shit UP. If a garment doesn't look like a feral cat mauled you on the way to the party, then it's no good.

3) Grab that tablecloth you've always loved and wrap it around your ass. Hope fervently that it doesn't quite make it all the way around -- the better to flash some thigh, my dear.

4) Keep the tablecloth there by wrapping a swath of gold lame around your waist and safety-pinning it.

5) Sneak over to Crazy Cat Lady's house and skin twelve of her pets; stitch them into a coat/shawl type thing as carelessly as possible. It'll be fine -- she's got ten other cats, and besides, wouldn't these beasts prefer photographic immortality to a life in her stuffy old apartment, watching soap operas on the magic noise-making box and eating Friskies? So what if this coat's going to get stepped on by Kanye West and then probably sexed-on by Usher and his regular posse of eighteen, before being stuffed into the back of the closet along with all your old shirts that don't expose any of your stomach. So WHAT? It will look GREAT hanging from your arm -- kind of like you're a modern-day cavewoman.

6) Voila! Pair with aggressive earrings, and you're ready to spend the entire night tugging at various parts of your ensemble to ensure they're in place. It's every girl's dream.

[Photo courtesy of Daily Celeb.]

Is somebody out there in pre-production on a hipped-up remake of The Wizard of Oz? Because I could swear Janet Jackson is trying to redeem herself by going all-out to win the part of Glinda The Good Witch.

Which won't work at all, because I'd like nothing more than to drop a house on Janet, and unfortunately Glinda's saccharine ass doesn't meet with that fate. Unless this is a really good remake.

[Photo courtesy of Daily Celeb.]

Aaron Carter was pissed. Because he showed up at the party looking like an auto mechanic, he spent the whole night forced into changing the tire on Kanye West's limo and getting grease on his designer work boots.

I would suggest that this would teach him to show up for an awards pre-party looking like he just rolled in from filling some potholes, but I know better than to expect a teenage boy with delusions of talent to start pulling up his damn pants and take off his trucker hat.