Oh, Kelly. I hate to say it because you look happy, but... it's not funny:
[Photo courtesy of Daily Celeb.]
What are you doing? That wig makes you look like an extra in Hairspray, and not in a good way.
And, I've heard of matching one's shoes to one's dress, or even one's handbag or assorted accessories. But I've never heard of matching one's dress to one's teeth. In addition to investigating some industrial-strength anti-perspirant, Ms. Osbourne might want to pick up a pack of White Strips.
Flashback courtesy of The Sarah Jessica Diaries: 2004:
"Yeeeeeah, I'm sorry. I'm realizing right now that the sandbox-chic shorts and the sleeves just sort of make me look delusional, like I think I'm a kid again. But... I am really whimsical! Younger than my years! And Matthew told me I looked tomboyish in this, which means I'm super hot, because for some reason, he gets really turned on when I downplay my feminine side. It's just how he is. We're simple! Playful! Why, just the other day, I came home and he and some extra from The Producers were wrestling on the floor! We love being playful!
"And besides, I was Annie when I was a kid -- this is just adult moppet-wear, kind of like the blue knickers-based outfit Aileen Quinn wore in the movie version when she accidentally kicked Albert Finney in the knee and then told him to screw off with his adoption and his Tiffany locket because she wanted her real parents. So really, if you think about it, I look awesome and awesomely youthful in these evening shorts. And when I get home and put my hair into a ponytail, I know Matthew's going to get so hot that he insists we play a rousing (arousing?) game of Robespierre/Young French Revolutionary. I've tried to tell him that most revolutionaries were guys, but... I don't know, I think he's just progressive with his fantasies, you know?"
A while back, Jennifer Love Hewitt spent a lot of time trying to convince people she was a rock star. We weren't fooled, nor were we interested. It didn't work.
Indeed, in the days thereafter and continuing through the present, the only press thrown J.Lo.Hew's way came/comes when she says something self-deprecating about her boob size. Which she started doing a lot.
You can whiff a bit of that desperation in her Grammy ensemble from 2004:
Her chest is very half-heartedly propped up by the peekaboo top, her thigh is presented to us like a Thanksgiving Day drumstick, and the whole thing looks a little bit like it was originally designed as a hybrid bikini/lounging dress for Kelly Taylor on Beverly Hills, 90210: The Beach Seasons. Indeed, if the Peach Pit After Dark ever opened a beach outpost, this is how the cocktail waitresses would dress.
Which is a shame for Ms. Lo.Hew, because as the number of stalled careers she's had begins to mount, it's probably best not to remind the world how well she'd do at the Grammys in 2005... as an after-party drinks server.
A book, huh? Is it just stuff you already put on the Web site?
Nope, we wrote the whole thing fresh, just for you.
Awesome. In that case, I want to read it!
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