Hilary & Haylie Duff Archives

April 24, 2009

Fugary Duffug

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CHEVY CHASE: Oh, Hilary.

HILARY DUFF: Hi, Chevy! It's so nice to see you. I've loved you on Chuck.

CHEVY: Hilary, it's going to be okay. I've been where you are.

HILARY: Excuse me?

CHEVY: I remember when I was a young girl starting out in this business, wearing Flashdance sweatshirts all over town, hoping someone would ask me to take off my bra underneath it, and then cutting my pants with a steak knife when nobody ever did.

HILARY: Chevy, it's not a sweatshirt, it's a tank top, and...

CHEVY: And I just want you to know, from one lost little girl to another, that it DOES get better. You DO put down the steak knife, unless you're still eating the steak.

HILARY: I haven't the faintest idea what...

CHEVY: Oh, HONEY. IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY. We'll get you through this.

HILARY: Whatever, I'm just going to go with it.

March 2, 2009

Fugary Duff

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Listen, Duffster, I applaud your moxie for taking on Faye Dunaway. For anyone not familiar with this incredibly unlikely feud, the facts are these: When Faye found out that Hilary has been cast as the title character in a new adaptation of Bonnie & Clyde -- an iconic Dunaway role for which she received an Oscar nomination -- Madam Faye allegedly said something along the lines of, "Couldn't they at least have cast a real actress?" This prompted Hilary to retort to the press, "I think it was a little unnecessary, but I might be mad if I looked like that now too."

Two thoughts:

1) Fair point, Duff. I might ALSO be mad if I had done what Fay possibly did to her eyes, at the very least. In fact, without regard to our personal safety, we totally nominated La Dunaway in our book, The Fug Awards, in the "Dr. Noooooo!" category for worst alleged plastic surgery. BUT...

2) If you are going to talk back, you might not want to run around in things like this:

[Photo: WENN.com]

Not only have your legs apparently turned purple recently, but if Faye gets wind of you running about town looking like you are three feet tall and completely comfortable flirting with paper shredders, she is going to run you through hers and then use your pulpy, bloody flesh-paste to spackle some holes in her wall.

Which brings me to:

3) I am not kidding: Faye Dunaway could carve out your insides with her pinky Press-On Nail and make jambalaya for twelve. And she's not wrong, entirely, EITHER -- if it's true what she said, then she was certainly RUDE and not a little cranky, but it is kind of a leap from playing Heather Locklear's kid in The Perfect Man to an indie film about Bonnie and Clyde. While I applaud you for doing it, DUDE, you have got to take the high road in these things and DO NOT PROD THE FAYE. Side effects of Prodding The Faye include dizziness, nausea, and mild liver damage. If you have trouble urinating or experience any facial swelling, consult your doctor about Prodding the Faye. Pregnant women and children should avoid Prodding The Faye without medical authorization. In clinical trials, Prodding The Faye caused heart explosions and tooth loss in 45 percent of short blondes who kind of look like Kristin Cavallari all of a sudden.

Got all that? Great. Now go run through a blooming field of flowers and hop in a bathtub conveniently placed by a cliff's edge right next to one in which Faye is cleaning and sunning herself. Because this cautionary tale needs a bizarre ending.

December 8, 2008

Fug or Fab: Hilary Duff

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grey

Hi Hilary! I'm happy to see you out and about, too. Let's have a little chat, as Heidi Klum would say

Part of me likes this skirt, except for the fact that there's something about it that looks as though you took a tremendously huge set of grey flannel napkins and swiftly transformed them into a skirt -- like some kind of MacGuyver-inspired act of fashion that likewise necessitated your using a corset as a defacto napkin-waistband. Is it resourceful? If you were trapped, pantsless, in the home of an evil giant with a fetish for businesslike cloth napkins and could not bring yourself to escape wearing solely your tights and a tank top, then hell yes. If, on the other hand, this look was hatched in the safety of your walk-in closet, then I feel that there might have been other options open to you.

Please know, however, that you've been looking quite pretty lately otherwise and that if the rumor that you turned down a role on the new 90210 is true, I am quite proud.

poll by twiigs.com

November 17, 2008

Fug, Inc.

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Hilary Duff and I have been through a lot together. There was the time I saw her making out with Aaron Carter at a local bowling alley about six years ago, the subsequent and inexplicable fight over him with Lindsay Lohan, her excessive necklaces phase, the whole thing where she pretended she didn't have a neck at all, and of course that time she got the really obvious veneers and her lips couldn't close around them for a while and we all thought they were going to come for us in our sleep. Then finally, Hilary came out the other end with fairly normal hair and a healthy body weight, and I thought maybe the worst was behind us. But alas, I feel like even Hilary Duff herself can't explain this, nor does she seem interested in trying.

Judging by the way she's standing, maybe it's a very elaborate system of lumbar support. But I suspect it's just a strange decision. Her whole face is like, "I know. No, really. There is nothing you can say that I haven't already scribbled in my diary in red pen. I KNOW." In a way, though, it's very apt -- she's at a farewell party for TRL, and what better way to bid that crackfest a fond farewell than by making me stare at her for fifteen minutes trying to figure out if she's drunk?

I almost wonder if she's decided to pick up that feud with Lindsay again. They're sporting similar hair these days, and neither of them seem overly fond of lipstick that doesn't make them look frost-bitten. And this outfit feels like what you'd wear if you decided you had a pants allergy and your sensible mother burned your last pair of leggings, so you broke into Mood and stole a few yards of organza. Ergo, maybe Hilary will come out with a line of pointless sheer sheaths -- Witchy Stuff By Hilary Duff, or something -- that they can sell at Kitson for $300 next to all of Lindsay's dishevelled leggings, thus requiring some sort of retail cage-match to settle things once and for all.

poll by twiigs.com

June 3, 2008

Frump or Fab: Hilary Duff

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Hilary Duff has been looking so nice lately since she started dating the hockey player. Remember when she was with Joel Madden, and she was all jawbone and teeth? Not so any more -- she's fit but also clearly not afraid to sit back and watch the Stanley Cup finals with her boyfriend Mike Comrie and a bucket of hot dogs, because she no longer seems like she's averse to things like chewing.

However, all my recent warm-and-fuzzy Duff feelings aside, I'm really lukewarm on this.

The color is sort of cool, but the entire effect -- specifically caused by the hemline -- is a bit mature. It's like two parts Eva Longoria (whom I've said before often seems to dress as if she's auditioning to work the lounge on a Carnival Cruise) and one part Tragic Simpster, which would make sense because they're both Michael Kors fans and Hilary took some photos on his arm at this party. Of course, I have nothing against Michael Kors. He seems like a party. But even if he's NOT responsible for this, he probably should have considered making her take this up a few inches. Just because Hilary's boyfriend probably wears dentures, as any hockey player worth his bodycheck does, doesn't mean she's looking to start rumors that her next album is called Hilary Duff Sings Bette Midler's Greatest Hits.

poll by twiigs.com...

March 11, 2008

Fug or Fab The Cover: Hilary Duff

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Lucky,
polls

We've gotten several emails about this cover, but I have to admit that when I got it in the mail the other day, I didn't really think much of it, other than, "The orange and pink together is SO Lucky. Is that Hilary Duff? I wonder what she's been up to. Do we have any ice cream?" Now that I look at it more closely, of course, I must concur with the kind reader who pointed out that her lipstick appears to be a new shade from Revlon called Dead Like Me. As for the rest of it, well...what do you think?

polls by twiigs.com...

October 8, 2007

Fug the Film Set: Hilary Duff

Hilary Duff's latest project is apparently called Greta, and the IMDb summary claims it's the touching tale of a waitress who falls for an ambitious chef -- "but as their love blossoms, she has to overcome the concerns of her grandparents," who clearly don't understand that having a hot dude who will cook for you is, like, the Holy Grail of booty calls. Separately, my fascination with this movie just shot up several notches to "existent" once I saw that IMDb claims both Ellen Barkin and Ellen Burstyn are in the film. I've decided they're either they're playing lesbian grandparents -- one of whom is strangely young -- in a really progressive movie, or that whoever filled in the page for this movie couldn't remember which "Ellen B" was supposed to be in it and just put them both down for shits and giggles. And, well, obviously those two fine ladies would compete for roles, because they bring exactly the same qualities to the table. Like talent. And vaginas.

And frankly, we'd like to see them both fight for it. Imagine the differently layered scenes we'd get as Granny NoCharacterNameYet scolds Hilary-as-Greta for twirling around town in what appears to be a yellow bikini under a Forever 21 halter, further stuffed underneath a glorified Yuletide tutu that makes her look about four feet tall.

[Photo: infdaily.com]

We imagine Burstyn would skitter around the kitchen making cornbread while sassily lecturing her granddaughter on wearing petticoats out in public. Conversely, Barkin -- annoyed that she's playing a grandmother at all -- would simply pour herself into a tight dress, fluff up the ladies, and suck on a martini-soaked olive while purring, "Listen, Stumpy. You're not in a music video. Scrap the moldy old prom dress and start living each day like it's 'Skin To Win' season. Your legs are depending on you." And, no offense to Burstyn, we'd rather see that movie.

Unless they can convince the producers to cast Barkin as Burstyn's daughter, in which case, they should've just confused the hell out of everyone by casting Ellen Page in the Duff role, making Ellen DeGeneres her aunt, pitting them all in a battle of (t)wits against obnoxious restaurant hostess Ellen Pompeo and the evil owner, NFL tight end Kellen Winslow, Jr. The winner? Helen Hunt, because there was no room for her in this debacle.

September 27, 2007

Fugyn Manning

Whenever I look at this picture of Taryn Manning, the first thing I think is that I could resurrect my 2004 Hilary Duff Halloween costume and we could go together as Hilary Through The Ages.

And then I realized that Taryn is already kind of two Hilary eras in one. From the waist up, she's Latter-Day Duff, with the floaty yet trendy shirt, the godawful hat, and the dark hair that occasionally looks like it's been out in the rain and hastily re-dried with one of those hand-blowers in the women's room.

And on the bottom, she's 2004-05 Duff, back when she never hemmed her pants. I mean, on the whole the outfit is kind of trendy, I guess, but SERIOUSLY, honey, tailor those jeans. Do you not understand the power of a cute shoe? Even Hilary knows that.

Not that I have nothing against Hilary Duff -- she hasn't humiliated herself in the tabloids (even that Lohan feud was mostly on Lohan's part), she hasn't dated anyone who makes us want to brush our teeth since that time we saw her at a bowling alley in Studio City making out with Aaron Carter, and I can't resist Raise Your Voice if it's on (in part because that British kid is super cute, and in part because the dubbing job on some of her singing is hilariously obvious... and then also, it's fun to wonder how drunk John Corbett and Rebecca De Mornay had to get at the end of the day to bleach out memories of their participation) -- but Taryn here is looking like a Value Village version of her, and well, we already have a Discount Duff. Her name is Haylie, and she needs the job more than Taryn does. Don't you think?

poll by twiigs.com

August 20, 2007

Fugary Duff

When did Hilary Duff turn into Beyonce?

Sure, there are worse things you could turn into -- like a newt, or Britney -- but it's a tad incongruous to see the Duffster strutting around on stage like she's just risen from the ashes of the Knowles Family Goodwill pile.

July 16, 2007

Fugnity

Why Sitting on a Tall Stool In a Mini-Skirt Holding a Tee-Shirt-Wearing Dog Makes for an Awkward Photo Op by Miss Hilary Duff:

And if you enjoyed that, please pick up the sequel: How It Is Surprising Hilarious When The Poof on the Front of Your Dress Makes It Look Like Your Dog Is Wearing An Elaborate Neck-Bonnet of Some Sort.

Hilary & Haylie Duff

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Fugary Duff

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Fug or Fab: Hilary Duff

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Fug, Inc.

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Frump or Fab: Hilary Duff

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Fug or Fab The Cover: Hilary Duff

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Fug the Film Set: Hilary Duff

Fugyn Manning

Fugary Duff

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