Jennifer Aniston Archives

September 16, 2009

Offugce Space

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metallics

I am not sure what Us Weekly bigwig Jennifer Aniston stabbed with a fountain pen, but clearly, she or someone in her camp pissed off the wrong person -- that magazine WILL NOT pay her a compliment. That cover line about why Bradley Cooper "picked" Renee Zellweger was crazy enough, but the accompanying story was all, "He likes Renee because she's not tragic and desperate," and instead of giving Jen that funny crack about movie titles that accidentally pertain to her life, they were all, "Well SOMEBODY needs attention." Poor kid. She is somebody I really root for but who keeps making me smack my forehead.

For instance:

I like the IDEA. But for a clingy and glittering gunmetal mini, this is sort of limp, no? I suspect its sticker price is four figures, but if you told me she'd bought it at Charlotte Russe and then celebrated with an Auntie Anne's pretzel, I'd probably believe you. Not to mention that it would appear her support garment is on display. And although it's mighty refreshing to know that someone with her rockin' bod still needs a little extra help here and there, I'm pretty sure SHE would rather we didn't know that. Oh, Jen. You don't get to have ANY secrets, do you?

Still, I'll put it to a vote, because I like her and so maybe y'all out there will cut her a break that I didn't.

poll by twiigs.com

June 15, 2009

Fug or Fab: Jennifer Aniston

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metallics

We have a long and varied -- okay, so it's not particularly varied. It's just long. A long, long history of complaining that Jennifer Aniston ONLY wears black or navy blue strapless gowns and it's SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BORING. So I have to hand it to her for breaking out of the color mold and going for a metallic:

Yes, her body is great -- as one would hope, since doesn't she spend like 50 hours a week in the gym, sobbing through Bikram yoga? That's not judgment, by the way. If I spent 50 hours a week exercising, I would be crying, too. Anyway, obviously, she is in amazing shape, so it's nice to see her work it. What good is 50 hours in the gym if you can't wear whatever you like? Other than all that "health" mumbo-jumbo, of course. And I feel like this dress is very pretty, except...

poll by twiigs.com

February 23, 2009

Oscar Well-Played Carpet: Jennifer Aniston

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wearing white

That's right, Aniston, prepare to be shocked and amazed: We totally dug this dress on you.

It's not black! It's not plain! It's downright glittery! It's completely flattering! And frankly, you have every right to look happy, since you stood up there in front of Brangelina -- knowing full well that the entire time you and Jack Black did your comedy bit, the telecast directors would be squawking about cutting to as many shots of them staring up at you as possible -- and you nailed it gracefully and as if nobody in the room had ever divorced you and then knocked up the world's most beautiful woman two times. It's a shame you're dating kind of a douche. A funny douche, and a personable one, sure, but still, isn't it a tad fishy that John Mayer was supposedly asking for "space" and "breathing room" and other commitment-phobe cliches about a week or two ago, then conveniently decided to be all over you at the post-parties for the Academy Awards? Although maybe you see right through it. Maybe you wanted it that way -- seriously, bring a date who appears smitten with your yoga-sculpted hot ass, just in case you bump into Angelina at the bar. Maybe you are a genius. Regardless, you looked gorgeous, so bask in the glow of our collective affection and then go find a nicer, more reliable boy toy that you are not in danger of needing to enroll in Tool Academy. That Zachary Levi is cute, AND tall. John Stamos is single -- who doesn't love Uncle Jesse? Ben Roethlisberger needs a nice lady friend to remind him about wearing helmets on his motorcycle. See? There are options.

February 3, 2009

Fug's Just Not That Into You

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Great, Jen. Here we go again:

It's black! It's kind of boring! It makes no unexpected statements! In short, it's the Magic 8-Ball of outfits!

You know you're stuck in a Grand Canyon-sized rut when it's a refreshing red-carpet change to see your hair in a ponytail. Seriously, I'm sure they'd both loathe to hear it, but Jennifer is really not all that different from her archrival Angelina. Neither hems her suit-pants. Both tend to do only one thing or the other with their hair. The sight of either of them in a color generally incites us to wonder if we slipped and hit our heads on the margarita machine. Now, given that Angelina just wore a blue dress backwards to the SAGs, I'm sure she'd react to this assertion of mine by marching up to the nearest photographer, drinking a pint of blood, throwing a knife at a fencepost, and then getting knocked up on the spot while signing the paperwork to adopt a small clan of misunderstood yetis who just want to experience the unique joys of body waxing. But one dress is just an aberration. Until the leopard changes its stripes -- or perhaps more to the point, changes INTO stripes -- I'm sticking with my assertion that they're basically thematic wardrobe twins. Maybe Brad DOES have a type.

December 12, 2008

Fugly and Me

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I love this picture:

It's like the Jennifer Aniston on the poster is Jennifer's Aniston's guardian angel, whispering advice to her. And if we're real quiet, we can hear her: "Self, your body is amazing. And your hair is extremely glossy. And your tan is ever so even. Just imagine how awesome you'd look if you WORE A COLOR FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE, LIKE, EVER. GOD. Of course, I also told you not to get back together with WhatsHisNuts with the guitar and I tell you EVERY SINGLE DAY to STOP commenting about You Know What, so you obviously never listen to me anyway. Why am I even here? Other people need my help, you know. Imagine the advice I could give that Lauren Conrad person. I'm going to go offer her my services. Step one: waterproof mascara."

November 12, 2008

Fug The Cover: Jennifer Aniston

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Vogue

Jessica and I were just discussing how much people seem to have held onto the whole Jennifer Aniston/Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie bizarre love triangle. Seriously, they split up three years ago -- although in some ways it feels like ten, and in others, as if it were yesterday, given that people still ask them about each other every chance they get. LET IT GO, EVERYONE. Angelina should be more careful and considerate when rhapsodizing about when and how she fell in love with the married man, and for her part, when she's asked about it, Jennifer should probably just take the high road and say, "Wow, are people still talking about that? I feel like we've said everything there is to say on that subject," and then everyone can just MOVE ON so that magazine covers stop saying things like "ANGELINA: LYING SUCCUBUS HUSSY STRUMPET" or "JENNIFER DID EIGHT HOURS OF YOGA AFTER THAT COVER ABOUT HOW ANGELINA IS A LYING SUCCUBUS HUSSY STRUMPET," or in the case of Vogue, this:

She is not helped by the cover quote being taken slightly out of context, but Jennifer is REALLY not being done a solid by the choice of photo. She looks so... tense. And cranky. And like she would rather be stabbing pillows with a pair of scissors than be smiling at the camera right this second. Although I appreciate the attempt at putting "$5" on its cover in any context, and it's very nice of the magazine to try and convince me that pricey clothes are actually "investments," if I am going to pick up an issue of Vogue in these tragic times -- a pretty big "if" on ANY given day, to be honest -- I want it to inspire me, or distract me, or just basically take me away like a really ad-heavy, semi-out-of-touch box of Calgon. This does none of that. Instead, this cold-eyed cover says, "I hate this issue. I don't give a shit about you and your holiday romance or stupid bogus love stories or nice bedrooms. I just want to get the hell off this beach and move to a yurt in Deepest Mongolia because I CANNOT CATCH A BREAK. My friends all allegedly hate that I am dating John Mayer again, I can't sneeze on a dude without someone writing a story about whether I will ever get to use my uterus as a fruit bowl, Angelina won't shut her face, everyone is hell-bent on throwing everything she says back at me, and now apparently I have to FREEZE MYSELF in order to look young? I'M SO SURE. WHERE IS THE F*%&ING GIN?"

March 28, 2006

Fuggifer Aniston

Dear Jennifer Aniston:

Message received loud and clear: You're healthy, you're happy, your womb is most certainly open for business, you're knew all along that your last two films were crap, you most certainly are NOT co-dependent on Courteney Cox, you seriously had no idea Victor Kiriakis was alive all that time in New Salem and you aren't sure when he's going to get a story of his own on Days, you had no idea Joey was still even on the air, you're pretty sure the perpetually unemployed David Schwimmer is pitching a Friends spinoff sitcom entitled JuRossic Park in which his paleontologist character dabbles in science with hilarious and hungry results, and you really, really, REALLY don't want us to make you our victim.

So, fine, we won't -- well, at least not of anything except fashion.

That ruffle looks like hormone therapy gone horribly, horribly wrong.

And WEAR A COLOR, for the LOVE of GOD. This is getting thoroughly predictable and boring. The last time you were out in a dress that was anything other than black, at least as far as I can research, was October, and that dress was in the boring-beige family. Going back from there, it's all black until I hit the 2004 Emmys, when you wore the white and gold strapless number.

That is a long time without color. And you wonder why we think you're depressed all the time. EXPERIMENT, Jen. Liven things up a little. Dare to dream! Challenge yourself to step into the wild that is navy blue! Shock yourself by exploring purple! Go on walkabout in the perilous Australian Outback that is green! Don't turn your back on the world!

... No, Jen, I was serious about that last thing. Don't turn your back. Because that thing is really unflattering from that angle. Is it poorly made, or just ugly?

Kisses,

GFY

March 7, 2006

Oscar Fug Carpet: Fuggifer Aniston

I think that, in this moment, even Jennifer Aniston knew this was a wasted opportunity.

Yawn. A black dress and hair around her face. And a too-long necklace that's fighting with the neckline of the limp-rag-looking gown she threw on in the limo. Totally boring and uninspired and exactly the theme we've seen before. It's everyday Jen, not glammed-up Jen.

How about trying an updo, lady? I know that's a strong chin, but it's not like she's never worn her hair up before. I've seen Friends. Play. Get a little creative. Isn't she walking the same breakup line Jessica Simpson did -- becoming best friends with her hairdresser?

Incidentally, the dresses most people talk about with Jen are the red strapless sheath and the ivory-and-cold strapless empire-waisted gown, neither of which -- Aniston, pay attention -- is black. One exception, if I remember right, was a low-cut cleavage-barer, which at least flaunted her figure. This dress does none of that. And given the PR war raging between Team Aniston and Team Jolie-Pitt, the fact that a small-screen star struggling to own the big-screen was invited to present at the Oscars had to be considered a great opportunity -- and perhaps even a leg up, since Brangelina was busy gestating in Paris. But Jen played it safe, played it typical, on a night when she could've taken chances with color and style to look more glamorous than we're used to seeing her. Wasn't this all about seeing her on par with all the movie stars, not as a TV star trying to break into the In Crowd?

And, even a little, wasn't this about sticking it to Team Jolie and showing off her bod and knocking everyone dead, instead of looking bored and rolling her eyes during red-carpet interviews?

Boo.

Jennifer Aniston

Offugce Space

Fug file:

Fug or Fab: Jennifer Aniston

Fug file:

Oscar Well-Played Carpet: Jennifer Aniston

Fug file:

Fug's Just Not That Into You

Fug file:

Fugly and Me

Fug file:

Fug The Cover: Jennifer Aniston

Fug file:

Fuggifer Aniston

Oscar Fug Carpet: Fuggifer Aniston

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