Jennifer Lopez Archives

October 29, 2009

Well Played, Jennifer Lopez

"Hola, America! But no. Today is not for exclamation points. Today is for grieving. HOTLY. 'But Jennifer,' you say, 'isn't it rude to look muy caliente when you are celebrating the life and mourning the death of someone you did not know very well who is extremely famous?' Look, precious boring friends, being sad is no reason not to wear eyeliner. And it is a compliment -- no, an HONOR -- to Los Muertos to be fantastic in their memory. And so I will be a thriller. It is in my human nature to be a pretty young thing, bitches, and the man in the mirror agrees that this dangerous outfit can heal the world. And if you think that makes me a smooth criminal, and you want to be starting something, well, let me just say that you are BAD and you know it and you must let me say farewell, my summer love, in PEACE. VERY ATTRACTIVELY. And if you have a PROBLEM WITH THAT then you can BEAT IT, BILLIE JEAN. Because listen: Mr. Jackson was a PSYCHIC. Check it: He wrote a song about a RAT named BEN in the SAME YEAR THAT BEN RATFLECK WAS BORN. How did Michael KNOW? I will always regret that I did not hear his warning! Although, uno momento, amigos... why did he not come FIND ME and tell me to my FACE? I am Jennifer Lopez! I'm just over on The Block! I am so simple to find! HE SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME. IF I WERE NOT SO DEVASTATED AND MOVED BY HIS TALENT I WOULD BE MUY FURIOSA RIGHT NOW. IT MAKES ME WANT TO SCREAM. It is a good thing this eye-makeup works as Angry Jennifer AND Grieving Jennifer. Ha! I am multi-purpose! Drink it in, America! Adios! I must be windswept and solemn now."

September 14, 2009

VMAs Fug Carpet: Jennifer Lopez

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Holy Sleeve(s) Batman

"Meow, amigos. I am an intergalatic sex kitten, coming to you from Planet Rrowr to blow your mind. HA HA! I'm kidding! It is I, Jenny from the block! Assuming your live in the tool shed on my estate because otherwise we have no block for miles. Also, get out of my tool shed! That is for the lawn mower and my Marc's embalming kit for his Learning Annex class! LEAVE!

"Where was I? Ah: Me. For that is who I am. Everyone tonight is wearing BORING dresses with BORING tops and BORING patterns. Nobody has vision. Nobody picked a sleeve harness that required three employees, two pulleys, and a helper monkey to put on their bodies! That is COMMITMENT, all you single ladies! If you liked it then you should've put a sleeve on it! Follow me, sad people, and I will show you the way. But first I need to take Marc home. He smells like anti-freeze. Ay, mi enamorados, some days I have to put gardenias up my nose just to get through breakfast with him. In fact, a secret: These are not sleeves at all. They are giant pot-pourri bags! I AM A GENIUS! And now I must pretend to go inside before diving into my limo and going somewhere better. Adios, dull-sleeved peasants!"

July 27, 2009

Divaliciously Well Played, J.Lo

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[Photo: Splash News]

"Whaaaaat? For ME? You threw a surprise party for little meeeee? I just thought it was a plain old night out on the town! Why ELSE would I be wearing my tile-grout-scrubbling Grecian ball gown and my waffle-making jewelry and my Clean The Toilet Day updo and my diaper-changing makeup and my naptime cleavage?!? CLEARLY I had no IDEA anything like this would happen tonight! Marc, you wiry string bean of mischief! I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING AT ALL! Just for that when we go home, you may prick my finger and snack on it! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEE!"

July 22, 2009

Amusingly Played, Miami Dolphins

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[Photo: Splash News]

MARC ANTHONY: Wow! What a nifty personalized athletic shirt.

J.LO: Heheheheheeeeee! My Marc, he is so precious, like a tiny wee pixie but with hormones! That shirt will eat him alive!

MARC: It is pleasing to me that the Miami Dolphins NFL Organization, which I own a piece of now, has provided me with this important shirt. Does everyone get one?

J.LO: Tee hee! It will NEVER fit him! Not even if I boil it twenty times! Mi pequeñito precioso! I had to wear my hair in barettes like I'm eight, so that I seem as teensy as he is! Thank God the rest of me looks smoking hot!

MARC: This athletic shirt symbolizes how committed I am to the game of NFL.

J.LO: Ha ha ha ha, he thinks a touchdown is when a plane lands! But that is okay, because a Certain Someone whose name rhymes with Len Affbleck knows all ABOUT sports and HE does not have his own Dolphins jersey, AND he got all bloaty that one time! HA HA HA!

MARC: And look, there's a number on it. Does that match my seat number?

J.LO: I mean, really, He Who Must Not Be Named doesn't own a piece of a professional sports team! WHO'S BETTER NOW, LORD VOLDYFLECK?

MARC: I can pair this with suit pants, right? Do I need a necktie? .

J.LO: Do not worry, Miami fans, I am here to help. My Marc, he will learn the ways of the jersey.

MARC: Yes. I will be sure to wear this when I am doing athletic things, like... walking, and pumping lead.

J.LO: And I will be sure to wear mine AS A DRESS. Because if there's one thing Mrs. Ben Dumbface does not have, it's a dress made of sports! So WATCH OUT, lady! I will win again!

January 20, 2009

J.Fug

"Ugh. I cannot believe this. Did I not warn the troll? Did I not TELL him that if he opened his shirt like that in public, I would wear the dress that looks like a giant sideways bow tie? YES I DID. And yet he LAUGHED and said, 'Wearing that dress punishes ME somehow?' And then when I said, 'Mi pobre runty husband, your shirt is like Pandora's Box, and if you open it then I will RAIN HELLFIRE DOWN ON THE STASH OF B-POSITIVE YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW IS IN THE ATTIC,' he ripped it open one notch lower and walked out of the house. I am going to puke. Mark my words, amigos -- get it? MARK my words? HA HA HA -- no, but really, mark them: Like sands through the fancy hourglass I am costumed as today, so are the days of our marriage. The joke is BACK ON HIM, bitches. Even if the blood milkshakes HAVE perked up his complexion it's still J.Lo 450, Vampire Spouse 0."

January 12, 2009

Golden Globes Divaliciously Played Carpet: Jennifer Lopez

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metallics

"Hola, adoring fans. Are you pleased to see me? Of course you are. I am pleased to see you, but I cannot show it, because this very dramatic dress is not for smiling giddy dopey people. It is for SERIOUS people with SERIOUS fierceness, no? And I am VERY SERIOUS. For one thing, I agreed to come here to the Golden Globes even though I am not nominated, despite having done the best acting work of my life just by staying married to this person. Because I am SERIOUS about reminding people that I used to act, and also, I am SERIOUS about getting Ralph Fiennes to talk to me again. Amigos, he won't even make eye-contact. Who had even HEARD of him before Maid in Manhattan, eh? The three people who saw that Sphincter's List, or whatever? My mother, who saw that movie where he was an English man who was somebody's patient? I don't even know the NAME of that thing! I MADE him, and what do I get? He blushes and runs away? Tonto. At least people know how to pronounce my name, RAFE FINES. Dios mio.

You are probably wondering why I am standing here with this loco Milhouse, because I am supposed to be hating him and not wearing my wedding ring. Well, it is a long story, my pets. I made him wear the glasses. He seems less tired, no? If I have to look at him, I need to believe he is not dying. But I also REFUSE to divorce him while She Who Shall Not Be Named is cooing over a new baby with Crapfleck. If his boring rebound marriage is still alive, then SO IS MINE, fools. I will let Marc nibble on my neck at night and allow him to squeal like a pathetic little baby girl whenever we get served garlic bread at a restaurant, and I will serve him V8 through a tube in the mornings, and it will be fine, because that is what divas DO. Divas do not QUIT. Divas do not let girls with big lips and a husband with back hair BEAT THEM. So SUCK IT, Douchefleck and Bride! Now excuse me, I must go slap Ralph Fiennes with my handbag. Or with my Marc. I don't care which one."

December 9, 2008

The Fugious Fug of Benjamin Button/Well Played, J.Lo

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ANGELINA: It's so nice to see you.

J.LO: Oh, Brad's Lady Person, me duele. This pains me, because I would like to say the same, but I cannot.

ANGELINA: Excuse me?

J.LO: It is clear nobody taught you how to have twins.

ANGELINA: I... what?

J.LO: Look at you in that black thing. I cannot see your boobs. What is the point of getting fat for nine months if you can't make people stand in awe of your hotness when you are fit again?

ANGELINA: Because kids are great? I plan to collect them all!

J.LO: Ah, yes, I love my little tiny tots. But I also love my giant tots -- the ones on my chest. I HYPNOTIZE with them. Try to look away. YOU CANNOT. This is what you must achieve, Angennifer.

ANGELINA: You're mixing me up with...

J.LO: Oh, whatever. You, the Anistperson, it's all the same. You both always wear black. Blah blah blah. You must take a lesson from me, Pitt twig! Lay it all out there! Your boobs are like God's tattoos. They have MEANING. MAKE PEOPLE LOOK. Can it with the sad strapless sheaths. Mis ojos, they burn with shame for your lack of FLASH.

ANGELINA: Thanks for the advice.

J.LO: I mean, LOOK AT ME. Behold:

Continue reading The Fugious Fug of Benjamin Button/Well Played, J.Lo.

September 15, 2008

Fuggy From The Block

[Photo: BauerGriffinOnline.com]

"LOOKIT! HAHAHAHA! Now who's winning medals, eh, Dolphin Boy? Did YOU have two babies first? Did YOU have to wear bike shorts and arm cuffs? Did YOU swim your silly laps with a stubbed toe -- ay, I mean, a DEVASTATING and RARE injury that affected the part of your foot that you use to judge clothes? Is medical science going to name the 24-hour cure for that condition after YOU? I DON'T THINK SO. Your medals might be gold, Freak Giant, but my medal is the color of SACRIFICE. Dig it, tonto! DIG IT HARD!"

September 11, 2008

New York Fugshion Week: Day Oh My God, We're So Close To Being Able To Put Up Our Feet (So, Six)

Let's see....what happened yesterday? We did not end up stuck in an elevator with Anna Wintour. (If this happens, I plan to talk to her about tennis.) We did not talk our ways into a cameo on Gossip Girl (I want to play the crafty blogger who makes out with Chuck as a way to help him make Blair jealous). We did not trip out of our high heels and land in the laps of any luminaries. However, we did see this:

"Hee hee! Tell me again how pretty I am, Mr. de la Renta. TELL ME!" If you can only have one celeb at a show, it might as well be Ms Lo.

Also included with purchase:

Emmy Rossum + Leighton Meester = I don't know how to feel.

It turns out that Lauren Conrad is lovely in person and Lo looks like she's about to tell you to f' off. And, in fact, probably wants to, at least in my case.

Blake Lively was very pretty at Michael Kors, but could she outshine BETTE FREAKING MIDLER? What do you think?

Oh, Amy Lee. Your name rhymes with Anna Sui. And how crazy you be.

September 9, 2008

Vicfuglia Beckham

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JENNIFER: No, no, amiga, OPEN your mouth. Make them think LOVE is about to come out.

POSH: I'm just... I think the hair is bad. People are looking at me oddly.

JENNIFER: Pish! Do you know what I say when that happens?

POSH: What?

JENNIFER: NOTHING. HA HA HA! Nobody ever looks at me oddly. They know better. But seriously, twig lady, do you really care about them? Eh?

POSH: No...

JENNIFER: Do you know what I said when everyone asked me to congratulate Ben and his walking nap for having another baby? I said, "ONE AT A TIME IS FOR LAZY PEOPLE."

POSH: Right...

JENNIFER: And when the world licked the feet of that silly Flipper Boy who won all his medals just for swimming a bunch of laps over and over again, do you know what I did? I went out and trained for a triathlon and shouted, "ONE SPORT AT A TIME IS FOR BORING LITTLE MAGGOTS WITH JUG EARS. GET BACK TO ME WHEN HE GIVES BIRTH AND HE HAS TO FIND TIME TO WORK OUT WHILE PICKING OUT CRYSTAL CHANDELIERS FOR THE BABY'S CLOSET!"

POSH: So you're saying I should buck up and do my own thing, then, yes?

JENNIFER: Si si, Cheekbones!

POSH: Maybe you're right. Maybe this haircut WILL work.

JENNIFER: Yes! Go get them, Halle Berry!

POSH: Wait, no. It's not Halle, darling, it's Victoria.

JENNIFER: AAAAAH! Victoria BECKHAM? ARE YOU SURE?

POSH: Fairly.

JENNIFER: MADRE DE DIOS!!!! IT CANNOT BE!

POSH: But you just said...

JENNIFER: Ay, no, I cannot be here. You are TOUCHED. Step away from me now before I catch your devil insanity.

POSH: ... Great.

Jennifer Lopez

Well Played, Jennifer Lopez

VMAs Fug Carpet: Jennifer Lopez

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Divaliciously Well Played, J.Lo

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Amusingly Played, Miami Dolphins

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J.Fug

Golden Globes Divaliciously Played Carpet: Jennifer Lopez

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The Fugious Fug of Benjamin Button/Well Played, J.Lo

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Fuggy From The Block

New York Fugshion Week: Day Oh My God, We're So Close To Being Able To Put Up Our Feet (So, Six)

Vicfuglia Beckham

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