Jennifer Lopez

[Photo: INFDaily.com]

"Hola, it is your favorites here -- me, my Marc, and the twins! And my babies are around here somewhere too. HA HA! But seriously, do you not love my cleavage? Does it not bob like a balloon on the winds of love? My Marc, he said that I couldn't find a yachting caftan that still showed off my assets, but poor, sweet, hungry Marc doesn't understand my power. This is what Princess Leia SHOULD have worn, no? Forget the turtleneck and the Cinnabons, estupida! Oh, amigos, that movie would have been so different if I had made it. There was not enough FABULOUS, although that one old evil hombre had VERY hollow cheekbones, which is so sexy. I like to sip mimosas from Marc's when he is lying down. It is our little game! I drink from his cheekbones, and he drinks from my wrist. Sigh. We are so in love. Italy is muy romantica. Certain other couples are out there on a holiday weekend dealing with rumors that they are fighting -- probably about how she won't stop wearing sneakers, or he won't stop being Ben -- but Marc and I, we are SO HAPPY! Don't you see? We on our way to go boating! On the ship of some famous clothing designers! You don't see Dolce and Gabbana dropping by the Brentwood Country Mart to buy apple sauce! NO! They are waiting for ME on the deck of a SHIP! DRINK IT IN, STUPID BORING GIRL!"

Dear Bennifleck,

Hola. How are you? I hope you are hell. Just kidding, I meant "well." OH WAIT, NO I DIDN'T. I just wanted to say hello, and thank you for the generous baby presents that I assume you bought for me but which clearly got lost in the mail because one of you is too busy being BORING to write the address correctly and the other one of you is Ben. So, si, idiotas, I LOVE my MISSING PRESENTS so very much. As Marc said the other night, you put the "ass" in "Muchas gracias." HA HA HA HA. At least, I think that's what he said -- he was drinking a can of V-8 through two straws stuck on his incisors, but I am pretty sure I understood correctly because that is what love is about, people. Straws and red liquid. Because when you put those two together for a few days straight you get LOTS of horizontal mambo and then LOTS OF BABIES!

Oh, wait, what is that you are murmuring? You could only do ONE baby at a time? WEAK SAUCE, Mrs. Bennifleck! There is WOMB FOR TWO in this lady -- ha ha, that was Marc again, he is so funny when he's playing with his straw fangs! -- and I wore heels the entire time, and we haven't slept in 120 hours and I THINK maybe Marc is shrinking because his coat doesn't fit any more but I am HERE and I am swathed in a CURTAIN and I am your superior in every way! When was the last time YOU had two babies at once and then went right out and matched your eye makeup to your husband's best pair of shiny pants? When was the last time you even BOUGHT your Benfleck a pair of shiny pants? That's RIGHT, enemiga estupida, GAME, SET, AND CHECKMATE to ME!

Besos,

J.

Is it already Day Six? Does this mean we get to sleep in our own beds again soon? Although we're quite giddy after today's champers-fueled event at Marchesa, at which we got to bask in the warm glow of a hugely pregnant -- and two weeks from popping -- Jennifer Lopez.

Watching her swell with child has been truly fascinating, considering this is a woman who's rear end has been the subject of national -- and probably international -- fascination. We're happy for her and she looks healthy and happy, but we still can't stop studying the effect pregnancy has had on her face. Don't get us wrong, she's still pretty, but instead of looking like J.Lo, she looks a bit like a J.Lo impersonator who went too crazy with the collagen (and occasionally, in some shots, like Valerie Bertinelli, but only from specific angles -- trust me on that one; I'm not nuts, or at least, I don't think so, but then again neither does Britney so whatever). At any rate, we were kind of embarrassingly excited to see her so up-close and personal. In Los Angeles you're not supposed to look like you're noticing the celebrities out in the wild, but at Fashion Week, it's your job to ogle. Bless.

• The highlight at Narciso Rodriguez: The Return of the Seinfelds.
• The second we saw Lance Armstrong walk into ex-girlfriend Tory Burch's presentation, we prayed for a tearful reunion. Didn't get one. Still, it made for some great speculation.
• We're crushed we didn't get a breath mint from The Donald, but thanks to Celebrity Apprentice, he's given us so much already that we can't REALLY be upset.
• Jennifer Lopez was unusually chatty about her due date at Marchesa.
• Dear Veronica Webb: It's not gingham time. Indeed, is it ever?

[Photo: Splash News]

"No, Marc, let them talk. Let them guess! It is my little dance, my sensual gossip tango with the world. Am I pregnant? Or is this just a beautiful toga party? Is Robert Cavalli in trouble for revealing my little secret, or does he not know what he is talking about because he is MUY TONTO and a steaming pile of pureed idiot? Do not worry, Marc. Do not speak. Just take your vitamins and let me lead this rumba of mystery. IT IS MY GIFT TO MYSELF."

[Photo: Splash News]

"That's right, everyone, soy yo -- Jennifer LAWpez! HA! Officer Drama of the Fashion Police! I'm a soldier of mystery, chumps! Just TRY and solve me! Dios mio, this is fun! What should I dress as tomorrow? A Magic 8-Ball? Signs point to si!"

"Pregnant? Me? Stripey, sweet me? Ay, HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA, oh, it's so good, I can't stop, HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. Does anyone care about Ben's Twiggy Wife and her womb this much? NO. I WIN I WIN I WIN. And I look  fabulous in all my boots and dresses and hats because I am the ONE TRUE DIVA and I like to keep you guessing and you are EATING out of the PALM of my HAND.

"Bienvenidos, amigos, to my GLORY.

[Photo: Splash News]

"You! You down there! You are not drinking it in, tonto! Gulp with your soul! Chug with your eyes! If you stare at this long enough that they start to cross, you see Marc in a feathered headdress eating a banana. Or as they say in South Beach, HEAVEN. Dios mio, I feel fertile. I must get jiggy."

ROBERTO CAVALLI: What a marvelous caftan. If I could smile, Jennifer, I would.

LA LOPEZ: Gracias, my tiny robot friend, you are too good to me.

CAVALLI: That outfit eats you in an explosion of frumpy glee. It looks like you're going to a polo party in the middle of the handbag section at Saks. I no longer need your mortal sleep, but if I did, your caftan would be a dream.

LA LOPEZ: I can't even let you SEE my hair, though, Robert. Dios mio, what a week! Between the parties and the preparation for my fashion show, I haven't even had time to wash my hair in Evian, like normal! I've been using tap water! Like a savage!

CAVALLI: ... Ooh, yes, savage! It's a SAVAGE dream! In which the Chrysler building pierces my navel while Salvador Dali watches. It's magic. Do you do parties? I must strongly consider stepping closer to you.

LA LOPEZ: Sigh. Could somebody please reboot him? Marc never needs to restart until dawn. I miss his wee undead cheekbones.

[Photo: infdaily.com]

"Hola! Hello! You all look so worried! Listen, thank you for all your concern, amigos, but my feet are FINE.  I mean, perdon, can't a girl randomly decide to dig out a pantsuit she bought at The Limited in 1996, before she was famous? Huh? Can't I just feel like wearing something badly tailored just to remind me where I come from, and that I am real? Does there have to be a dark secret?  I just forgot to get a pedicure! And maybe my shoes aren't polished! Or I have a blister! You don't know! But it has NOTHING to do with, say, Marc developing a foot fetish and gnawing them in the middle of the night and forcing me to hide them the next day because they are HIS and only HIS, and also, grande chunks of my heel are missing. HAHAHAHAHA, that's so SILLY, tontos! Now, if you'll excuse me, my bodyguard needs to carry me inside. Not because it hurts to walk on my stumps, no, not at all, but because these sunglasses cost me like $500, and it's worth it because looking like a giant insect is totally in right now, but if I trip on my hem and fall and break them, Marc is going to take my big toe... I mean, wallet. Leave me now. Besos!"

Tell the truth. If I told you that the below picture was snapped while Marc Anthony was giving a toast at a wedding reception, while bridesmaid (and tragic victim of self-tanner) Jennifer Lopez looked on, you would totally believe me:

She's just waiting for him to shut up so she can hit the open bar .

Well, that part may actually be true.