Jenny McCarthy

Jenny McCarthy has kind of grown on me. I must be mellowing with age, but whenever she's on The View -- I know, I KNOW, but the squabbling is sort of addictive -- she usually makes me laugh, and I dig the blonde bob she's been working lately. Her coif is a foul temptress, the kind of hair that cruelly entices me to consider chopping mine off likewise, until I remember that it would end in tears because we have very different hair, so while she looks sleek and cool, I would look like Carrot Top.

Or sort of like this:

It's not that the curly bob is so bad, actually. It's just that this ENTIRE look feels ripped from Va-Va-Voom: The Jessica Simpson Story, about that awkward time when Jessica was so desperate for us all to LOVE HER that she over-bronzed and wore horrible curly short wigs that probably cost $1 and tight plunging necklines, to the point that if anyone asked you what color her eyes were, you'd say, "Uh... boobs." (I know that sounds like every time with Jessica Simpson, but it is one PARTICULAR phase more than any other.) Jenny McCarthy deserves better than to make me think of Jessica Simpson when I look at her.

And more than that, Jenny deserves better than to make me think she's a hungry cougar. Seriously, I half expect her to announce that she's spending the summer at the Catskills, where she'll have rowdy sex and do the cha-cha with her hunky dance instructor during the week and then coo over Jim Carrey when he comes up for his weekend poker games. By which I mean, it's retro in a creepy/desperate kind of way -- you know, that special, "Nobody puts Baby in a corner, but they are more than welcome to put you there, and in fact, I would encourage it, especially because we all know Baby's sister caught you in bed with her waiter boyfriend" aura.

Esteemed American recording artist Jenny McCarthy -- her big hits included, "I'm Gonna Stick Out My Tongue As Far As I Can And Then Jump Around (On Singled Out)," "Isn't It AWESOME When Hot Girls FART?" (with Cameron Diaz), and the top ten hit, "If I Never Shut Up Up, I'll Never Be Able To Hear You Tell Me To Go Away" -- seems to be under the misapprehension that the AMAs are a costume party:

And she's the sexy librarian in velvet gauchos! I swear, if I saw one of those on Halloween, I saw twenty.

Jenny McCarthy was really inspired when she learned that her new movie was premiering on National Talk Like a Pirate Day:

She looks like a cocktail waitress at the Jolly Roger crossed with a lingerie model at Sears.  Seriously. Is that even outerwear?

.

"What's uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup, America? YEAH! COME ON! I am BACK, bitches! Did you miss me? Remember when we got along so well on Singled Out, when I would run around whooping and wiggling my tongue and barking at the screen, and you all wanted to sleep with me? Those were the DAYS, man. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

But then some guy deci -- WOOOOOOOOOOOO! Sorry, I had one more in me that had to come out.

Back to it: Some guy decided that mugging to the camera and howling meant that I was a talented comedienne, so I became Sitcom Star Jenny McCarthy. Yeah yeah YEEEEAH... except that lasted for, like, two seconds, because America wants to see my tongue and I wasn't giving it to them. And then that bitch Carmen Electra totally stole my rightful career path when she took over Singled Out from me -- I should have been the one on Baywatch, bitches. I would have SMOKED that orange bathing suit. But noooooooooo, Hasselhoff had to go and hire that vapid Prince-boffing nobody, and I WAS STUCK ON SOME STUPID SITCOM THAT TANKED. THANKS, HOFF. May your German fans BREAK YOUR HEART by burning your CDs and becoming MASSIVE Rock Star: INXS fans! HA HA HA HA!

Anyway. Back to me: then came marriage, the baby carriage, blah blah blah... everyone forgot about me, so I had to write a book about stretch marks and swollen ankles had a nice little stint for a while as Relatable Famous Woman Who Gets Pregnant Just The Way You Do! Woohoooooo, Yeah! And that totally worked -- people actually paid to read what I had to say about bloating and waddling! So I wrote a sequel, as Jenny McCarthy: Hilarious And Grounded Mother. And since y'all loved me so much for keepin' it real, Oprah-style, I figured I could make a TV comeback. But no one watched The Bad Girl's Guide To Being Jenny McCarthy or whatever it was called. I don't know why the comeback didn't take -- it worked for Carmen. It should have been ME. ME! I could have made you think I was sane again after 15 minutes of marriage to Dennis Rodman by starring in a reality show about my wedding to a pocket-sized eyeliner-addict rock star who adores me! Then I'd be a Pussycat Doll, and get to prance around in my skivvies while women everywhere buy my workout DVD and I'd be RICH and you would LOVE ME AGAIN and I WOULDN'T HAVE TO WRITE ANY MORE STUPID BOOKS WHERE I PRETEND TO THINK PUKE AND CELLULITE AND SWOLLEN FEET ARE CUTE.

Ahem. Hi! So here I am! Woo! I had to come up with something to do to make you notice me again -- until my kid is old enough that I can write a hilarious book about explaining the birds and the bees, or star in the movie adaptation of my future hit autobiographical novel My Mother The MILF, where all my kid's friends come over and try to hook it on up with my sweet ass, I'm kind of useless to everyone. I have to get all up in y'alls grills one more time. And what's the best way to do that? Sheer clothing.

But, like, totally classy sheer clothing -- I want you to see my nipple, dudes, but ONLY through my very modest and thin white granny slip. I've gone from Singled Out to Nipping Out, smackholes! Ha ha ha ha! YES, you LOVE it when I talk crassly to you! Remember how much fun we used to have? YEAH! ROCK OOOOOON! Next time I see you, it'll be from all the magazine covers I'm getting! I am back! This dress is strategically transparent and I am BACK and YOU WILL LOVE ME, ALL OF ME, FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY, and if you don't I'm totally going to become a Scientologist so I can be Tom Cruise's fourth wife. Pull up, Mav! Or actually -- DON'T!

YEAH THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID IT!

So, in the immortal words of Janice Dickinson (who I fully idolize by the way, because she is loud and brash and totally the grown-up version of who I was on Singled Out... she and I should have a show, because Janice is mynspiration), "Au revoir, bitches!"