Jessica Biel Archives

May 12, 2009

Well Played, Jessica Biel

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I was looking at this picture this morning and trying to remember when it was that I decided I didn't like Jessica Biel:

Because she never really did anything all that egregious and yet I just don't care for her and I couldn't pinpoint why. I think it all started when she made a bit of a fuss about distancing herself from 7th Heaven. Not that I liked 7th Heaven, particularly, but there's always something distasteful when someone publicly rejects the thing that made them famous. But I think the real issue came a couple of years ago where suddenly the Hollywood media machine decided Jessica Biel was the Next Big Thing and that we were going to LOVE HER despite the fact that she'd done really nothing all that embraceable. (Other than having a really great body, which is nothing to sneeze at -- I covet her guns here.) Suddenly she was all over the place and it was totally inexplicable, remember? Like, at the Oscars for no reason at all and named like The Sexiest Sex Symbol In the Universe and whatnot? And it kind of didn't work -- after all, she's not really that much more famous now than she ever was, even if she is dating probably one of the most famous dudes in the world. It's the same thing happened that with Sienna Miller. For a while, the movie-going public was told that we were supposed to be SUPER INTO this person, but we were all like, "....no, thank you. No, seriously. No, thank you. NO THANK YOU SERIOUSLY NOW I HATE THIS GIRL PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE WITH THIS. GOD PLEASE SHUT UP WITH THE ENDLESS YAPPING ABOUT THIS PERSON." So I went through a long period of really wrinkling my nose at Jessica Biel, is what I'm saying. And having said that AT LENGTH, I am able to be objective enough to say that I think she looks kind of great here and I love her lipstick color and the dress is good and she looks pretty. FINE. SHE LOOKS REALLY NICE. Are you happy now, Hollywood, ARE YOU?

Phew. God, I actually feel so much better now. I'm really glad I was able to talk that out. Next, can we tackle my inexplicable and undying love for Mandy Moore? I haven't figured that out yet, but I know it's there!

May 5, 2009

Met Ball Fug Carpet: Jessica Biel

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JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE: Love the dress, Jessie baby.

JESSICA BIEL: I also love my dress. Thank God we started dating. I get way better party invitations now.

JT: I just have one question. When you walk away from me, is your tan going to leave a mark on my jacket?

JESSICA: Ha ha, you're so funny.

JT: I am, it's true. But that has nothing to do with the problem here. Why are you that color?

JESSICA: Why are you asking me this NOW?

JT: Are you bringing it on down to Orangeville?

JESSICA: Excuse me?

JUSTIN: I am like three seconds away from singing "Tanning it up... with The Barry Gibb Tan Show."

JESSICA: Oh, cute, you're going through your Saturday Night Live greatest hits. Next I suppose you're going to suggest I cut a hole in a box and put my junk self-tanner in the box, and then let you open the box.

JT: That's ridiculous. Why would I say that?

JESSICA: Whatever, Milhouse. I am so breaking your glasses later.

February 24, 2009

Oscar Post-Party Fugger-or-Fabber: Jessica Biel

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polls,
purple

A lot of ladies who wore long trains changed their dresses between the Oscar telecast and the parties. Since she wasn't wearing one, I can't figure out why Jessica Biel swapped her Prada for Oscar de la Renta -- unless she, too, realized that wan nuptial sack was fashion narcolepsy, or she has a storied history of dumping caviar and red wine down the front of her dress at industry fetes.

Here's what she ended the night wearing:

All that loud shiny satin is a little achy on the eyes, and I don't like the lines of the skirt. And would it have killed her to fix the hair? THE HAIR. STILL. KILLS ME. It's TERRIBLE. Dry shampoo. A brush and a ponytail. Philip Seymour Hoffman's knit cap. ANY of these, at this point, would've been acceptable solutions to the fact that her hair looks like she was just in the dressing room for three hours pulling sweaters on and off over her head.

But for me, this dress is hugely preferable to the other -- in fact, I'm not sure why she didn't wear this from the get-go. She'd have stood out more on the red carpet, for better or worse (and frankly, she stood out for the worse already, as it was). She would've looked bold, as opposed to boring. And maybe wearing this dress, with the heavier neckline, could've forced her to do something else with her hair to hide the grease factory. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. She is a GROWN WOMAN. Is it that she wants us all to know she can barely make time for the Oscars, amid the constant stream of sexercise she's getting between the sheets with Justin? Because that's great, kid. We get it. Congratulations. You have afterglow in your hair. Your mother will be so proud.

poll by twiigs.com

February 23, 2009

Oscar Fug Carpet: Jessica Biel

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I don't know where to start, so I think I'll take "People Whom Justin Timberlake Either Has Dated, Or Is Dating, Who Refuse To Do Their Hair And Who Wear Weirdly Constructed Bridal-Looking Gowns To The Oscars" for $200, Alex:

Tragically, this photo does not quite do justice to how mangy and faintly greasy her hair looked, like she threw it into a half-updo right after she finished a rigorous course of squat-thrusts and lunges. Do we think maybe J.T. is to blame? After dating Pop-Star Britney when she was spit-shined and squeezed into bikinis with snake accessories, maybe he's decided he prefers his girls a little rumpled.

The dress itself doesn't get any more interesting when you see the whole thing, either:

Continue reading Oscar Fug Carpet: Jessica Biel.

February 12, 2009

7th Fugden

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I know this happened over the weekend, but I just dug it out from underneath the giant pile of stuff from the Grammys and the BAFTAs and Sarah Jessica Parker's starring role in Camel Toe Run. And I screeched in horror yet anew:

On one hand: enjoy standing that close to an Oscar honey, because that's as near as you're going to get to one, unless you break into Meryl Streep's house next time you're in the neighborhood.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Name Twin. That was unkind. I just could not resist. Also, I'm pretty sure I'm right. But look at Hilary Swank: when she was best known for being the Girl Karate Kid and making out with Steve Sanders, we never thought she would end up having two Academy Awards. And I have been wrong before. So....good luck with that, is what I'm saying. Because unless JT ends up writing some mangy tune for some animated -- I'll stop now. I'm sorry. Really. Forgive.

In fact, I feel so guilty about making all these jokes about your skills that I won't even mention that you're wearing a sofa. Are we square now? You're the best.

November 24, 2008

Fugth Heaven

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yellow

I wish I could've seen where this dress might have ended up had the designer gone with just one of these two fabrics, instead of both together:

As it is, in an attempt to be Very Interesting, the design choice instead leaves us with a garment that appears to be alerting us to Jessica's right boob -- as if we might not have known she had one, for instance, or as if need to keep an eye on it because it's up to no good, or is about to attempt something shocking like pulling a rabbit out of itself. For one thing, I like to think that I wouldn't need the aid of her clothing to notice a bunny coming out of there, and for another, just think of the resentment this preferential treatment could cause between it and her left breast. Life is hard enough without your boobs being in a blood feud.

poll by twiigs.com

October 29, 2008

7th Fugven

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basic (or unbasic) black

Ah, this takes me back:

Fondly do I recall those halcyon days when I longed for nothing more than a Gunne Sax dress to wear to my 6th grade dance! The dropped-waist! The puffy sleeves! The prim, unflattering length! What joy! What bliss! What...terribly misguided times.

October 27, 2008

Fug or Fab: Jessica Biel

When I first saw this pic, my reaction was, "OH! Huh."

Like, I expected it to be either way worse OR way better than it actually is. Sure, her pants aren't properly hemmed, but it's more that this seems like it aimed for Avant Garde but instead accidentally made a pit stop at Sort of Weirdly Boring. Actually, I was thinking about this the other day, and I may have actually mentioned it here before, but: I feel like Jessica Biel has gotten wildly dull since she started dating JT. Not that she was like a fascinating creature before, but at least she seemed like a really nice, normal, super hot girl. And now she just seems BLAND. Is it possible that Timberlake is some kind of Man-Succubus, wicking the Interesting from the women he dates, in order to keep himself charismatic and relevant? But! Cameron Diaz didn't turn boring when they were dating (that I remember). Maybe she got a little weirdly rage-y, all beating up the paparazzi and whatnot, which did seem sort of out of character. And she did turn wildly hot once they broke up, but I always attributed that to Revenge Hotness Syndrome (you know, where you have a really bad break-up and you take all the residual emotion to the gym, with the result that you both sort of run it out of yourself, and you also look AWESOME when you run into your ex at the local bar/the Oscars, causing him/her to feel deep, life-altering and never-ending regret about letting you go, the likes of which will probably lead to several angry, sad novels and bitter songs). But maybe she was just getting back to her old self. I don't WANT to blame Justin for this. I really don't. And yet...

poll by twiigs.com

August 26, 2008

Fug or Fab: Jessica Biel

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beige,
BORING

We got an email the other day from a reader, and it said something along the lines of, "Is Jessica Biel looking kind of bland lately, or is it just me?" And I was like, "gentle reader, it is not just you, for I was thinking the same thing recently." I mean, it's not that she woke up some morning and she was totally hideous -- she is still physically lovely, of course -- but she just looks so OATMEAL lately. To wit:

I mean, it's fine. She looks fine. I just feel like iJEBT Iufiu9487ytg'jhnbhhhhhh.iwyriu bb b

Sorry. I fell asleep. I was just going to say that she's young and firm and gorgeous, so why doesn't she try some eiwhto98e877244 *%&$Tgjkekgn .

Shoot. You know what? Why don't you take over?

poll by twiigs.com

June 6, 2005

MTV Movie Awards Fug Carpet: Jessica Biel

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[Photo by Daily Celeb.]

If you stare at Jessica Biel long enough while she's actually walking around in this dress, something rather interesting happens.

First, you get a blinding migraine. But once your vision returns, still blurred from the agonizing pain, the motion and the colors of her dress start to mix and swirl and you will begin to get sleepy... very sleepy... Summer Catch was a phenomenal movie... very.... sleepy... Jessica Biel is an incredible, unforgettable talent ... So sleepy... Give the girl a retroactive Emmy for 7th Heaven... Can barely stay awake... She deserves a big movie role for lots of money...

Ow. My head hurts a little. Where was I? Oh, right: That Jessica Biel is a breath of fresh air, isn't she? Get that Marc Jacobs fellow, if he's available -- I spy a muse.

Jessica Biel

Well Played, Jessica Biel

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Met Ball Fug Carpet: Jessica Biel

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Oscar Post-Party Fugger-or-Fabber: Jessica Biel

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Oscar Fug Carpet: Jessica Biel

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7th Fugden

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Fugth Heaven

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7th Fugven

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Fug or Fab: Jessica Biel

Fug or Fab: Jessica Biel

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MTV Movie Awards Fug Carpet: Jessica Biel

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