Kimberly Stewart

Oh, KIM STEWART:


Please tell me you're leaving rehearsals for Cabaret Starring Sienna Miller, and that you are playing the Sienna Miller As Sally Bowles role. Because otherwise, I am not really sure what  to say about this. Other than that walking around with a lollipop in your mouth is a good way to end up in tears/blood/toothlessness if you trip and/or fall. Did you pay no attention in pre-school at all? Are you going to be running around tomorrow, holding scissors blades-up and not sharing your peanut butter and jelly sandwiches while using your outside voice and peeing your pants? If so, I'll see you back here!

I canceled my Cosmo subscription a long time ago, once I realized that there is a finite number of sex tips in the universe. But I have learned many, many things thanks to my many, many, many, many years of reading women's magazines: (a) apparently, if you fail to exfoliate before you apply fake tanner the results will be so terrible that you will probably need to take your own life (b) there are a surprising amount of hidden calories in nearly everything you've ever eaten and (c) seriously, if you're dating someone who used to date a celebrity with a very specific and recognizable style, DO NOT START DRESSING JUST LIKE HER BECAUSE YOU WILL LOOK LIKE A CRAZY PERSON (also, you're just asking your boyfriend to accidentally call you "Sienna" in bed, which: awkward):

I wonder why Kim Stewart looks so alarmed here. It could be any number of reasons.


[Photo: BauerGriffiinOnline.com]

(A) She's just realized that she's dating yet another of Sienna Miller's cast-offs, and therefore wonders if this means she's next in line to find herself crying at the gas station when she realizes that -- wow! Who knew? -- taking up with a less than entirely single man who also happens to be an actor and the heir to a famous and ginormous fortune is probably going to garner some unfavorable attention from the general public, especially when said relationship has been punctuated with topless canoodling in a stupid hat. Clearly, Kimberly hopes not. Hell, no one wants to follow in these particular Sienna Miller footsteps.

(B) She's just realized that she actually left the house wearing a sequined Cosby-esque sweatervestdress, but failed to bring along the requisite Pudding Pops.

(C) Both.

KELLY: Oh, GOD. Don't look now. It's KIM STEWART.

KIMBERLY: HI HI HI OH MY GOD LET'S GET A PICTURE.

KELLY: Great. Now people will think we're friends.

KIMBERLY: OMG, THAT DRESS IS DIVINELY OLD-SCHOOL HOLLYWOOD FUNERAL! LOVE IT! LOVE YOU! WE'RE TOTALLY FRIENDS!!!!

KELLY: I can't believe she even looks halfway cute. This is so depressing. First I'm forced to hang out with this clingy idiot and I don't even get the benefit of looking comparatively fabulous? She makes all my makeup look even HEAVIER.

KIMBERLY: HANG ON I HAVE TO BRING IT DOWN A BIT and look very serious. Okay, I'm ready now.

KELLY: Let's just take this damn picture before I smack you.

Kim, Kim, Kim. We weren't with you when you tried to become Paris Hilton. We weren't with you when you started dating Tommy Lee. We weren't even with you years ago when you guest-starred on the brilliant Undeclared, and my guess is the Apatow Factory might not have been with you that much either, since you have never been recycled into anything else (a practice we generally approve of with them, since otherwise, we might have missed out on more of Seth Rogen, Jay Baruchel and Carla Gallo, and I don't want to think about that kind of life).

[Photos: infdaily.com]

So why on Earth would we be with you now that you've decided to rip a page out of Posh's book? For one thing, don't do that -- her books are best consumed without any missing bits, I promise, and preferably while you are on the beach holding a fruity drink that will blur your vision a tad -- and for another, just...you are no Victoria Beckham, my dear. Lots has to happen, like professing your undying belief that Joan Collins is your real mother or letting your toddler "write" its own "autobiography," before we'll laugh off you wearing designer hot pants or happily sit through an hour of a reality special about you that appears to have been run through a massive footage blender before being chucked onto the screen. Spare yourself. Don't bring us your Weak Spice.

Having said that, yours looks better than Paris's, so if you're still BFF, maybe consider a hair intervention. You could go to the wig shop together. God, that sounds fun. Maybe Jess and I will take the rest of the day off.

Oh, Wikipedia is such a delicious font of (potentially unreliable) information. For example, when I went looking up Kimberly Stewart, I found out the most hilarious things. Like, "Had a relationship with singer Cisco Adler, who is also known for dating actress Mischa Barton. Stewart got a tattoo reading "Daddy's Little Girl Loves Cisco", which, after their breakup, she changed to "Daddy's Little Girl Loves Disco." Allegedly, when she had her breast implants removed, she sent them to Jack Osbourne, who hung them in his bathroom (silicone really DOES liven up a room). And, then, of course, there was her 11-day engagement to Talan from Laguna Beach, all memory of which I'd totally banished to that portion of my brain where I keep stuff I will never need to think about again, like geometry.  So, I don't know if maybe I'm just worn out today, or I've finally seen the light, or what, but this Wikipedia entry does make Kim sound more entertaining that I had previously thought. I mean, anyone who follows Johnny Depp's lead, and edits their misguided romantic tattoo to something else gets at least one point. Plus, she's looking kind of of cute here, at some kind of Halo event in England:

Right? Cute. Kind of Natasha Bedingfield-esque in the face, and sort of saucy and fun. It's shame that, just as I was beginning to think, "I bet that Kim Stewart is secretly entertaining," she went and did this:

There's something to be said for rocking it out and having a good time, even if you're wearing something incredibly ridiculous, a la Kim Stewart and her Sister I Didn't Know Existed Probably Because She's Not Hanging Out at Kitson All the Time Since I Think She Lives In England:

[Photo: Splash News]

KIM S: WHEEEE!

RUBY S: TOTALLY WHEEEE! God, I'm glad we had those last six shots.

KIM: WHEE! My turquoise tights are sort of cute, right?! I KNEW IT! WHEEEEEEEEE!

RUBY: I can't believe you talked me into short shortie over-alls and these boots! WHEE!

KIM: It's all part of my evil plan to look better by surrounding myself with people in outfits worse than mine. WHEE!

RUBY: What did you call these boots, again?  Whee!?

KIM: I call them THE CANKLE MAKERS! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHWHEEEEE!

RUBY: Wait. That's really mean, Kim. Why would you do that to me?

KIM: Oh, Ruby, don't be such a cranky-puss. We're having fun, remember? WHEEEE!

RUBY: No. No whee. You brainwashed me. People totally are NOT wearing shortie short overalls and tights and cankle makers in Los Angeles right now, are they?

KIM: I'm sure SOMEONE is. Come on! We're having so much fun!

RUBY: This is why I don't hang out with you.

This is one of those looks that I'm going to try desperately to forget, and just when I've convinced myself that I've succeeded, it will come wailing into my brain like the visual equivalent of a fire engine, interrupting my transcendental meditation or leg waxing or whatever I'm serenely doing at the time:

Kim Stewart, you fool. I know you're dating Tommy Lee, but that doesn't mean you ought to wear pants last seen on Vince Neil circa 1986. Or a twee, wee leather bolero. It's like you can't QUITE commit to a full-on leather jacket, but you still want to look a teensy bit rock and roll.  Unfortunately, the overall effect is that you stole this from an extremely cool toddler, and it's a miracle that you've managed to shove your arms through the sleeves without ripping them. Which is less rock and roll and more totally deranged.

I just KNEW Kimberly Stewart was going to try and take over for Paris and Lindsay while Linds is in rehab and Paris was plotting her prison break. But I never thought she'd go THIS FAR:

Kimberly, no matter HOW sparkly and wide your headband is, it will be a cold, cold day in hell when Karl Lagerfeld helps YOU out of a plane.  If you start sending poorly spelled screeds to the media via Blackberry, Lindsay is going to burst out of the program just to kick your ass.

I am starting to feel bad for Kim Stewart, and here's why: now that we've all been inundated with PR for her brother's new reality show Sons of Hollywood, it is clear that she's been saddled with a sibling who, by all press accounts, is kind of a total douchebag in the way now apparently favored by men 21-28 who appear on Hollywood-centric reality programming (see Mister Arrest-y, Jason Wahler and, of course, Spencer of The Hills, who may be the most loathsome person in the 310 area code, a feat which takes some doing.  I can't get into his crimes against humanity right now, because rage is bad for the complexion, but suffice it to say, if he were to wake up under the wheels of a speeding MTA bus, everyone who's ever watched The Hills would put down their Lean Pockets and applaud). This kind of behavior, parenthetically, is not doing mankind any favors, and by "mankind" I don't mean "humanity," I mean "dudes." Because watching Spencer's manipulative shenanigans (like, say, having two cells phones, only one of which his girlfriend is aware of) is not making America's young women sit up and say, "I have GOT to get me one of them," it is making them say, "Hmm. I don't know if I want to date anyone right now. "   Ergo, I am pretty sure that when society eventually dies out and the human race is extinct, we would be able to trace its destruction back to Spencer except for how, unfortunately, we'll all be dead.

Anyway, now that I know what Kim Stewart had to grow up with, I sort of understand why she sometimes leaves the house in stuff like this:

She doesn't even know anymore.  A negligee bedecked in widow's weeds? Sure.  Anything to get out of the house.