Kimberly Stewart

February 16, 2007

Kimfugly Stewfug

ATTENTION RESIDENTS OF LONDON:

It has come to our attention that Kimberly Stewart is running around your beautiful city WITHOUT PANTS* ON:

BE FOREWARNED.  Making you, therefore, forearmed. Perhaps pack an extra pair of pants or a skirt when you leave the house, so that in the event you see Pantsless Kim, you can TOSS them at her and run. DO NOT become alarmed if you see her sans pants -- this is simply her way of attempting to get your attention or to fool the nearsighted ones of you to believe she is Sienna Miller. DO NOT FALL FOR IT.  Be vigilant! Be strong! She'll be back to Los Angeles before you know it.

*What we in the United States call pants. According to recent email, our British friends use "pants" to refer to undies. I thought y'all called those "knickers." WILL WE NEVER UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER? Anyway. She's not wearing TROUSERS. I have no idea if she's wearing pants, panties, underwear, undies, knickers or any kind of lingerie at all.

There was a time when I couldn't imagine having much nice to say about Kimberly Stewart. Aside from looking generally dishevelled -- well, except for her full, perfect makeup, slathered on with a trowel at the merest hint of fresh air in the hope of running into some paparazzi -- there were few things as sad as when Paris Hilton decided to be her BFF for about ten seconds, making them dress alike, pose alike, and party alike in order to convince Fox that it didn't need Nicole Richie to do The Simple Life. Of course, when the honchos saw straight through this act and refused to bite, Paris dropped Kim like a Greek shipping heir, leaving Kim stranded on Robertson Blvd. outside Kitson with nobody but the manager rooting for her.

And, we hate to say it, but Paris had a point -- I mean, failing to convince a studio executive that you are a good charismatic foil for Paris Hilton is a bit like losing a dance competition to a tree.

So, things were looking pretty bleak for Rod's spawn. And yet, there may be a light at the end of her desperate, clawing tunnel:

Cute clutch, cute ring, cute smile, cute flirty dress, and REALLY CUTE shoes: Suddenly, Kimberly Stewart looks kind of... dare I say it... adorable. Granted, I set the bar for her at, "Completely clothed and/or not relying on a bathing-suit top as her only means of cover," but still. And I really cannot say enough how fantastic those shoes are, and how much I covet them, even if the right one is a tad big in the heel. [But, who doesn't have that happen? Most everyone has one foot that's slightly smaller than the other, and until shoes come in adjustible sizes, we're just going to have to live with some gaps. All of us.]

Perhaps all that shopping paid off -- perhaps Kimberly Stewart is slowly pulling herself out of the cesspool of style in which she once so gleefully dog-paddled. Or, perhaps the Kitson manager took her under his wing, figuring that if she was going to be photographed clutching one of his shopping bags like a lifeline, he'd prefer she didn't look drunk or deranged, lest anyone think her misguided wares came from his store.

Either way, we're pleased to see progress.

July 31, 2006

Fugly Stewfug

There's something about Kim Stewart's short dress/long shirt, cap-haphazardly-plonked-on- potentially-unwashed-hair, and mildly inappropriate shoes combo that reeks of the Walk of Shame, this Walk apparently occurring after a particularly crazy outing that ended in the utter destruction of her jeans,  possibly at the fiery hands of a rogue tiki torch, or the malodorous trauma of getting vomited on:

Not that that's ever happened to us.

November 28, 2005

Fuguna Beach

EXT. RANDOM HOLLYWOOD STREET. NIGHT:

stewart-date15.jpg

TALAN:

Listen, Kim, we need to talk.

KIMBERLY:

Huh?

TALAN:

I think we rushed into this engagement thing.

KIMBERLY:

For reals?

TALAN:

We've only known each other for a week. Also, I'm only nineteen. And this is your third engagement. I think maybe we aren't using very good judgement.

KIMBERLY:

Really?

TALAN:

Um. Yeah.  Also, that dress thing? Is kinda unseasonal. Especially with those boots. I'm pretty sure that what appears to be resort wear -- even an ostensibly cute psuedo-tennis dress slash cover-up like this one -- isn't meant to be paired with a heavy brown knee-high boot, especially when you're also carrying a spring bag. I really don't believe in matching ones bag to ones shoes anymore, but they need to be complementary, and these are not.  Sure, maybe some cute flats would work, but this is definitely a day dress and your attempt to transform it into evening wear frankly embarasses me as a man. Also, you really, really need a haircut.

KIMBERLY:

So, what are you saying?

TALAN:

The engagement is off.

September 13, 2004

If You Think I'm Fugly...

Kimberly Stewart has really outdone herself here as far as embracing today's most fugly trends.

The skeezy, Britney Spears style unwashed mega-mini with the allegedly preppy tie as a belt? [Note: if we can almost see your girlie bits, it ain't that preppy. Just so you know.] Check. The no-longer-even-trendy trucker hat, cocked so jauntily that we can't even see your drugged out, spoiled little eyes? Check. The -- dear God, I can barely type it -- legwarmers? Check. The squirrelly lapdog, praying for the sweet escape of death as opposed to finding himself shoved into a handbag yet again? Check.

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