Kristin Cavallari Archives

November 6, 2009

The Fuglls

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Okay, Kristin, we see you. And we covet your abs. Mission accomplished.

September 14, 2009

VMAs Fug Carpet: The Once And Future "Hills" Stars

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The Hills is going to be a little weird without Lauren Conrad. Because as boring as she'd gotten on the show -- understandably, since she developed an actual romantic and professional life outside the confines of the show's blurred reality and that would make me Over It also -- she was its heart and soul, and without her there's really nothing to root for except perhaps the onset of a raging case of crabs in Chez Pratt.

Still, MTV is trying, including making sure as many of its stars are visible as possible. Starting with Lauren Bosworth:

I really like this on Lo. It seems to fit -- which is more than I can say for those jeans -- and it skims her figure without skewing its proportions. The makeup is a bit heavy for her, though. I keep thinking of The Joker. In all, though, this is harmlessly cute and replete with the kind of wavy blonde sweetness that Lauren Conrad used to give the show, which probably means Lo is expected to fill the Everygirl role now and is going to have to practice her very best concerned expressions and the art of shedding one single tear, so that MTV will have plenty of ways to smash to commercial off her inner turmoil.

Unfortunately, it will be hard to buy into a new Lauren Conrad when the old one is still around:

Continue reading VMAs Fug Carpet: The Once And Future "Hills" Stars.

August 26, 2009

Fugstin Cavallarfug

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I have to say, even though you guys know I love drama, I can't muster up any enthusiasm for Kristin Cavallari being back on The Hills. If you're going to give a ton of interviews all about how you're just stirring up shit for the sake of the show, then it makes me totally uninterested in watching it -- like, at least with Spencer and Heidi, even as we sit through them pretending to go to couples therapy, they are actually married so there's always the hope she will throw a shoe at his nose and punch him in the douchebag and then walk out on him for good. And no matter what contrived situations exist to throw Heidi and Lauren into the same orbit, the hatred between her and Spencer is legit. But I just don't CARE about K.Cav swanning in there and dating people just because it will make a good act-out, like, say, riding off with Justin Bobby on his motorcycle so that we get a shot of Audrina staring off after them but not quite making actual eye contact with anything. Snore.

Now that I've got that off my chest, let's see what Kristin has put on hers. (Nice transition, eh?)

That thing is, like, two parts Tara Reid, and one part something a Williams sister is considering wearing to play tennis. It's got that special blend of impracticality and glitz that half the ladies' tour so cherishes these days. I'm all for cute workout clothes, but when your clothes feasibly could work or either kind of service -- the bottle OR ace variety -- then mayhap you have taken it too far. The U.S. Open is not played in Taradise, folks. Let's not try to clothe the world as if it is.

June 10, 2009

Unfug It Up: Heather Graham (And K.Cav)

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No, you are not experiencing fugja vu:

[All photos: WENN.com]

I woke up this morning thinking I'd take a stab at fugging Heather Graham in this dress, which she wore a few days ago, only to find out Kristin Cavallari wore it last night and that her appearance was already in the fug pipeline.

Still, I forged ahead undaunted. Because they don't seem to be EXACTLY the same: Cavallari's appeared to be brown, whereas I think Graham's is fervently putting the "little" in "little black dress." Cavallari's was tighter; Graham's doesn't look stellar on her boobs, either, but at least they have room to breathe and I'm not concerned they're going to explode in protest. K.Cav picked summery, casual beige pumps, but Graham wanted strappier prom shoes. And while Cavallari's looks a little bit more like it's a bundle of safety pins away from being an homage to Elizabeth Hurley's infamous red-carpet debut, Heather's slits look a lot more like they have a backing panel. Because seriously, if that was flesh under those cutouts, we'd be on as intimate terms with her anatomy as her physician.

Graham's is also shorter, I think, which can lead to problems like this one:

Continue reading Unfug It Up: Heather Graham (And K.Cav).

June 10, 2009

The Fugs

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So, I have to admit that I personally am kind of stoked that Kristin Cavallari is joining the cast of The Hills. I loved her on Laguna Beach and I really appreciate that kind of relaxed shit-stirrer vibe she has. Like, she has no problem riling people up, you know? But she does it the way I would order a latte: totally, totally calmly, like it's something she does every day and she knows she's about ten minutes away from getting exactly what she wants and she just has to wait patiently for it to be handed to her. Whereas, say, Spencer Pratt riles people up the way I would walk into a cloud of killer bees: screeching and screaming and waving his arms around like a little girl. I know K. Cav introduced Spencer and Heidi whilst she was dating Brody, and I admit I really hope that while she's working on luring Brody away from his crazy current girlfriend she takes a moment to inflict some soft-scripted power play on Spencer that will bring him to his knees in the span of about fifteen seconds because I seriously think she could do it, mostly because I think she realizes Spencer is ridiculous and she isn't scared of him the least, whereas he sort of freaked out LC on a regular basis (which I can kind of get). HOWEVER, this has got to go:

[Photos: Splash News]

Sweet pea. That's just too tight. And look at the rest of it:

Continue reading The Fugs.

July 25, 2008

Fug Beach

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I know that tee shirt dresses are very on trend for the summer -- I read it in Who What Wear just recently -- but I think Kristin "Remember, I was the interesting one on Laguna Beach?" Cavallari is very kindly demonstrating the issues that can come along with them:

[Photo: Splash News]

Namely, that if they're too short, you're going to be spending the whole evening wondering if people can see your butt, and that -- when half-heartedly belted -- you just kind of look like you half-heartedly belted a tee shirt and called it a day.

January 18, 2008

The Real Fug.C

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So, it seems like the rumors that Kristin Cavallari will appear on this season of The Hills must be true: she hasn't been seen out and about in ages, and all of a sudden, she's showing up at a movie premiere that L.C. and Speidi and Audrina are all also attending? Very interesting. If Lauren and Kristin team up to take down Spencer....I will watch the heck out of that. Okay, yes, I will watch The Hills even if it's more of Lauren and Brody staring at each other over dinner and not saying anything ever. But it will be better with The Return of Kristin. She was so awesome on Laguna Beach.

This is less awesome:

By a lot. I mean, Kristin is quite lovely. But not even the loveliest girl can really pull off something that seems to be inspired by my bedroom's window treatments. Like, I'm pretty sure that under-dress has a tiny pull-tag attached to it, so you can raise and lower it at will. And we all know how I feel about anything which transforms your crotch into a be-curtained stage: very negatively. Your womanly delights are not a play. (Okay, maybe The Vagina Monologues. And the play I'm currently working on myself, Try It, You'll Like It: The Britney Spears Story. But that's it! )

June 21, 2007

Kristin Fugallari

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Kristin Cavallari used to be as omnipresent on The Scene as... well, as Lauren Conrad is now. What Laguna Beach giveth, The Hills taketh away, I guess, huh, Kristin? Maybe there's only room for so many MTV blondes, and now that Heidi got those generic, boring implants ~~because Spencer is manipulative~~ because she felt God accidentally forgot to make her a C-cup, she takes up a bit more room at the table.

And so, we've seen a little bit less of K-Cav in the last six months to a year. Which was probably smart of her, because overexposure is -- like Spencer, I imagine -- a friend to no one. But the problem is, when you're off the radar, you need to come back on with a bang and not a whimper.

Sadly for Kristen, that noise you hear is a whimper, and it's coming from me.

I'm almost speechless. That dress is not good. Good is The Wizard of Oz; bad is looking like a cocktail waitress at the piano lounge where the Wicked Witch of the West goes to get drunk and sing about her problems. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if we learned the dress was put together by a passel of her flying monkeys. It's badly sewn; her chest looks lopsided and... kind of like a shelf, really, but without the benefit of being able to rest a drink on it; there's a wrinkle in the front that looks like a strange stain; there are crinkles all down the skirt that look like it rode up on her in the limo but good; and it's way too short to be flattering to her generally very nice legs.

And, wow, could her smaller toes be working any harder to get out of those shoes? I think her left foot's littlest piggy foot paid its neighbors to tie up the top two and steal their wallets for a night on the town. I suspect that's going to end in tears.

May 1, 2007

Laguna Fug

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Okay, so this is the part where I admit that the line between reality and fantasy is occasionally very thin for me. Like yesterday, for example, I heard something about Kristin Cavallari filming some kind of reality show about her journey though Lasik surgery. But I had to think about that for like twenty minutes this morning, because I convinced myself that I MUST have dreamed it. I mean, that idea is both boring and surreal, much like many of my dreams. But apparently, it's true. Which makes me relieved in the sense that my subconscious is not, thank God, making up stuff about the medical history of Laguna Beach stars, but at the same time, the fact that this is actually true is very disturbing. I mean, what's next? Am I going to have to sit through webisodes about, like, Carmen Electra's teeth cleaning? Or tag along on Mandy Moore's trip to the podiatrist? Because while I love some celebrity news and gossip, I can barely work up a head of steam about my OWN doctor's appointments, much less anyone else's.

At any rate, I don't think she's had the Lasik yet, because look:

I mean, she's cute blah blah blah blah but come on, how boring is this? You could seriously wear this down to the mall for an afternoon of Iced Blendeds and shoe shopping. This a televised program she's attending (right? I presume the Australian Video Music Awards are televised, you know, in Australia). Mix it up a BIT, Kristin. Also, watch out with that top: I myself have the urge to walk up behind you and tug on the straps of your shirt until they garrote you and while my garrotage would be a fun, faux garroting, I imagine there are some bitches in Hollywood who would actually happily choke you out. Don't lend them a hand.

September 6, 2006

Kristin Fuggalari

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To anyone who doubts our claim that strapless dresses cannot be considered home-runs -- no matter HOW cute they are -- until they have been carefully test-driven, I present to you the following visual argument courtesy of (Tw)It Girl du jour Kristin Cavallari.

Game...

... set...

... and awkward, awkward match.

Don't drink and dress, y'all.

Kristin Cavallari

The Fuglls

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VMAs Fug Carpet: The Once And Future "Hills" Stars

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Fugstin Cavallarfug

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Unfug It Up: Heather Graham (And K.Cav)

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The Fugs

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Fug Beach

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The Real Fug.C

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Kristin Fugallari

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Laguna Fug

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Kristin Fuggalari

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