Lindsay Lohan

Oh, Lindsay. Sweet child o' mine, why do you insist on looking like an 80s hair band reject carrying his girlfriend's handbag?

[Photo: INFDaily.com]

Why? Why? So many questions. Why do you go out looking like this, and then turn around and do something like this? You are so charmingly Cady From Mean Girls in that clip. YOU'VE STILL GOT IT IN YOU! Why are you TOYING WITH ME like this? So many mixed messages! I can't take it! God, when will I find a starlet who doesn't play me like this? WHEN?

Also, it's mean to make Samantha Ronson walk ten paces behind you. I guess she and I can talk about it in LohanHab. AGAIN.

LINDSAY LOHAN: Hi, I'm Lindsay Lohan

CLAUS HJELMBAK: And I'm Claus Hjelmbak. I throw parties. Or something like that. Wikipedia won't tell you, so don't look. But no matter what I do, you have to admit that "Claus Hjelmbak" is a very cool name.

LINDSAY: I'd like to direct your attention to my legs. There are no leggings on them.

CLAUS HJELMBAK: You'd never ever call me "Claus," if we were friends.  You would always refer to me as "Claus Hjelmbak." It's that kind of name.

LINDSAY: Also, I have managed to have a red-esque hair color for more than a week. Admit it: you're totally f'ing stoked about this.

CLAUS HJELMBAK: Claus Hjelmbak told Lindsay he didn't want to see any leggings at his party. None! And, for the record, Claus Hjelmbak doesn't believe that Lindsay is ACTUALLY coming out with a line of leggings.  Claus Hjelmbak thinks this is all going to turn out to be part of that new Ashton Kutcher show where celebrities place fake stories in the media so that people learn that the media runs fake stories, or whatever that show is ostensibly about, other than potentially making it even harder for PR people to create believable fake celebrity romances for press. Claus Hjelmbak doesn't believe any of it! Also, I have suddenly decided to speak in the third person. Let's all do that tonight! It'll be fun!

LINDSAY: You talk a lot. Can we just focus on the fact that I'm wearing a dress? And not my leggings? Or anyone's leggings? No leggings at all!

CLAUS HJELMBAK: Yeah. It's kind of a BORING dress, though.

LINDSAY: GOD. YOU GUYS ARE SO F'ING HARD TO PLEASE. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? I HATE EVERYONE. SERIOUSLY.

Oh, Lindsay.

Can ANYONE wear a skirt covered in traffic signs without prompting snarky, 8th-grade level cracks from the peanut gallery? Both "One Hour Parking By Permit Only" and "Two Way Traffic" are hilarious messages to have splashed across your junk, if you're playing to the juvenile (as I always am). I can only hope that such roadside hits as "Stop," "No Right on Red,"and "Slow Children At Play" make an appearance on her butt.

The Setting: The offices of Paper Magazine

The Players: Two staffers: a stylist, and an editor

The Topic: Lindsay Lohan's upcoming cover shoot:

THE EDITOR: Do you really think she'll wear this?

THE STYLIST: Sure!

EDITOR: Is this a robe, or a tunic?

STYLIST: Sort of six of one, half-dozen of the other.

EDITOR: It's knee-length...

STYLIST:...with this crazy high-slits up the side. Cute, right?

EDITOR:  Yeah. I'm just worried it might be too...

STYLIST:  Modest?

EDITOR: Yes. Considering the subject.

STYLIST: Have you ever worked with Lindsay?

EDITOR: No.

STYLIST: Oh, honey. Don't worry. She'll find a way to make it look like she hasn't got any pants on, come hell or high water.

EDITOR: I don't know whether to be relieved by that or not.

It's been a head-scratching time for all of us, trying to figure out exactly WHY multiple Razzie Award winner Lindsay Lohan persists in squeezing herself into The Lycra Scourge during every waking and/or daylight hour. Is she ashamed of her legs, somehow? Are they nocturnal?

Apparently we can cross both of those off the list. Behold her leaving traffic school:

[Photo: Splash News]

Maybe she realized wearing leggings in a classroom would be an impediment to anyone else learning anything about driving, as all they would do is ask her nosy things like, "Seriously, how many pairs of those do you own? What is wrong with you? Have you fired your mother yet?"

However, now we have a potential new slippery slope to monitor. Remember when Britney Spears did nothing but wander around town in crinkled, ratty, miniscule denim cut-off shorts, replete with Cheeto crust and Federline residue and the muck of a thousand gas-station bathrooms, and it looked like they hadn't been laundered in about six years? These shorts of Lindsay's are rather evocative of those. Hopefully there is no kind of filthy, deranged thrall that jean-shorts can cast over a young mind. At the first sign of an orange fingerprint or a backup dancer, someone needs to intervene -- although if she shows up on TV with a flesh-toned bodysuit and a giant snake, let's wait and see how it plays out, because that could get interesting.

Well, it had to end. At the Fendi store opening, LiLo had on a dress, but the next day when she returned to shop, she hit up the Kaiser's newest lair in these:

[Photo: Splash News]

OF COURSE. I'm starting to wonder if she was wearing them under that dress the entire time.

Also: Nice makeup, there, Linds. That is some seriously messy, heavy, uneven slap she's spackled onto her face, and it's making her look unusually toothy -- like a deranged Easter Bunny caught gnawing on his own chocolate-egg stash. Do we think this is last night's face touched up desperately before a shopping spree? Or are her friends just like, "Oh, yeah, Lindsay... [snicker] ... it's great, totally great... [snort]... maybe MORE... hahaha, ahem, I mean, have some of my blush"? You'd think she could've checked her makeup in the sheen emanating from those dastardly leggings, but with this one, you'd think a LOT of things might've happened differently.

On the pro side: no leggings. Red-esque hair. Mesmerizing cleavage:

On the con side: well....those giant tulle doily hip-wings come to mind, don't they?

I was all set to make this post a "Fug or Fab," and then I really looked at it:

No. I don't even think I need to put this to a vote. She looks like a traffic cone wrapped in tissue paper and topped with a hastily made flower, like the world's most inappropriate last-minute baby shower gift grabbed on the way to the party as the gift-giver realized when driving past a construction site she forgot to buy anything.

And I'm sure there's an "unwrapping" joke in there somewhere, but I'll let you write it yourself.

We got an email from one of our attractive and insightful readers this morning, along with this photo of Lindsay, remarking that it looks like Lindsay woke up "and went insane," and I have to say that I agree, although perhaps it's closer to the truth to say that she woke up and continued to BE insane:

[Photo: infdaily.com]

And yet there is something about this that I almost kind of love. I know, I know, but it's just because she's SO over the top with the HAIR and the FUR and the BAG and the f'ing shiny endless leggings and the PRODUCT PLACEMENT that it's almost hilarious. For one thing, it's so low-rent to accept a surreptitious contract to promote a stop-smoking gum or whatever the heck it is that she's flinging around. For another, I feel like this secret celebrity product placement thing opens up a whole world of possible hilarity for those of us who enjoy celebrity-sighting: ScarJo ostentatiously gulping a Slurpee as part of her secret contract with 7-11, Katie Holmes waving around a package of Tampax, Paris Hilton gallivanting about with a giant bag of Baked Lays over her head.

So potentially, Lindsay has lulled me into an acceptance of her Leggings Habit, as I also think she looks sort of cute here:

Dear Lindsay,

[Photo: Splash News]

ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?

Bless,

Jessica