Maggie Gyllenhaal

January 14, 2009

Golden Globes Fug-or-Fab Carpet: Maggie Gyllenhaal

This dress seems to be one of the most polarizing of the Golden Globes. Tragically, it is not a tutu made of beer cans, or a genie/Jeannie outfit made of black mesh, or an emu costume, or any other such wackiness that we got at the Globes of yore. It says a lot about how tame the clothes were that this is one of the more controversial pieces:

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On first glance, watching the red carpet, I hated this. But then I saw more of her posing and moving around in it, and had to admit that Maggie kind of pulled it off, and suddenly I liked the damn thing, so maybe my initial knee-jerk had more to do with my feelings about HER -- and how smug she sounds much of the time, and how ungracefully and kind of snottily she handled Seacrest's questions about Heath Ledger, as if the subtext of her answer was, "Can we stop talking about him please and talk about ME? I WAS IN THE MOVIE TOO," which may not be what she meant, but it's how she SOUNDED, and you're an ACTRESS, honey, so FIGURE OUT how to come across pleasantly.

Ahem. Anyway, the big floppy shoulder thing is still a tad aggressive for my tastes, but the cut and color DO suit her. Then again, the pattern reminds me a bit of one of those Magic Eye posters that look like nonsense but if you stare at it for long enough, you space out and see the 3-D image jump out at you. (Maybe if I keep gazing, I'll see a 3-D image of her fiance Peter Sarsgaard. He makes everything better.) I can't decide, sweet readers. I need you. Now more than ever.

November 12, 2008

Fug, je t'aime

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[Photo: BauerGriffinOnline.com]

PETER SARSGAARD: Maggie. Maggie, Maggie, Maggie.

MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL: Yes, Dad? I mean, Peter?

PETER: I don't look THAT old with this thing.

MAGGIE: Certainly not. But, just let me know if you want me to proofread your Gettysburg Address.

PETER: Oh, how interesting -- I didn't think cavepeople could read anything that wasn't scrawled on the wall in picture form. Congratulations.

MAGGIE: Touche, Tom Hanks. Give Wilson the volleyball my best.

PETER: I will! I would tell you to give my regards to Old Mrs. Henderson's beloved cats, but I suspect they have shuffled off this mortal coil. In related news, your hairy life preserver smells like Whiskas.

MAGGIE: God, all this passive-aggression is getting me hot.

PETER: Let's clasp hands and think about passion.

MAGGIE: And shaving.

PETER: Sure.



October 10, 2008

Fug or Fab: Maggie Gyllenhaal

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"Sigh. Why am I here? Everyone around me seems so full of joie de vivre, and I...I feel but melancholy. Also, I wonder if this haircut was the right move."

July 31, 2008

NYFug.com: Maggie Gyllenhaal's Red-Carpet Schizophrenia

We've individually featured several of Maggie's Dark Knight press-tour outfits on this site -- like the weird blue and black one, the bra dress, and oh, that billowing jumpsuit from hell -- and concluded that many of them are not to our taste. However, if you step back and view them together, with an eye toward inferring something about her style... yeah, it won't help. Isn't the idea to make a statement without saying a word?

[At least] Anne Hathaway's Get Smart looks each seemed cleverly chosen to rub her ex-boyfriend's nose in her unavailable hotness; similarly, when Gwyneth Paltrow promoted Iron Man, her endless string of super-short minidresses helpfully reminded us that she's still a relevant, sexy woman with legs for weeks, rather than just Madonna's musty old macrobiotic-loving best friend.

Click through to the whole column, if you so desire, to share in our confusion. Hey, maybe you can interpret her style gibberish.
July 28, 2008

Batfug: The Dark Fught

"OK, Fug Girls. You want a bra? Fine. I'll give you a bra."

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"How do you like THEM apples, huh? Okay, so it's not quite a bra -- it's a '90s lingerie dress with an aggressive piece of lace over it that looks like I got a wicked sunburn this weekend -- but at least the boobs are propped up, right? So is this better than the blue thing, you judgy cows? Is it? IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME, BITCHES?"

July 25, 2008

Fugman: The Dark Fug

I know Batman is a caped crusader with a secret identity, and that the film probes the concept of dual natures pretty overtly, but I don't think Maggie Gyllenhaal needed to underscore that by attending the Barcelona premiere in costume as a split personality.

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This is what happens when a dressmaker can't make up his or her mind about what to do, flips a coin, and then loses it in the couch cushions: You get one gown with what might be a very lovely fabric, and a bizarre overlay whose own busy pattern fights the original design. It looks like her dress is wearing a coat. This is either a madcap stroke of financial genius, sure to make us all go broke when we realize we can't possibly leave the house in polite society until our shirt is wearing its own shrug, or completely freaking insane.

I really wanted to like this, too, after The Great Baggy Jumpsuit Catastrophe of 2008. But it also further demonstrates Maggie's brazen, ruthless disinterest in the dangers of gravity. Behold it from a different angle:


July 22, 2008

The Dark Fug

Maggie! You were doing so well! I saw you on The Daily Show the other day, and you looked adorable and were totally charming. And now? Revisiting the path Gwyneth Paltrow already traipsed MONTHS ago? Really?

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Other than the fact that nearly everyone looks good in a halter -- and she does look smashing from the collarbone up -- this thing is not flattering. Not on anyone. Not if you have any body fat at all, or even any particularly robust internal organs. And I suspect that even if you had NO body fat and NO internal organs AT ALL, it would still just look sort of awkwardly shlumpy on your corpse. It makes Maggie look like she's got NO shape other than a sort of undefined series of vague bumps. And I've been looking at pics of her all week, and I know that's not true. Not to mention the fact that even those of us who are only a series of vague bumps realize that unforgiving silky jumpsuits are....not going to help matters. Do you think Katie Holmes -- in a fit of pique over being replaced in Batman -- somehow bribed Maggie's stylist to make this happen? Because otherwise, I just don't get it.
July 15, 2008

Well Played, Maggie Gyllenhaal

After all the sturm und drang of Maggie's hidie Tatler cover, it's nice to see her bounce back with this:

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All those dudes behind her seem to think so, too. They're all like,

MR. POLKA DOT TIE: THAT'S what I'm talking about!

MR STRIPED TIE: Did you see Secretary? It's a good movie. Amazing...storytelling. I...um, what were were talking about again?

MR. SUNGLASSES LOOKING ACROSS THE STREET:  Those men are pigs. I won't even justify their boorish behavior with a second look at that fine, fine woman. I am just going to look across the street and think about...baseball. Yeah, that ought to do it.

MR. LOOKING OVER THE SHOULDER: Hold the phone. Is that Maggie Gyllenhaal? Nicely done.

MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL: Please, enjoy the show.
July 10, 2008

Fug the Cover: Maggie Gyllenhaal

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Wow. This is....really bad.  Really really awkward and bad. While the contents of Tatler seem kind of interesting -- I totally want to read about the Brit Beauty Who Tamed a Hollywood Mogul (I presume they're talking about Georgina Chapman/Harvey Weinstein), and about superbrats and power partygoers, to the extent that I might actually pop out and pick this issue up -- the COVER is an abomination upon the world. Not to get too dramatic about it or anything. I mean, I'm thrilled Maggie G is in the new Batman -- every time Katie Holmes showed up in Batman Begins, I thought to myself, "OH RIGHT. Katie Holmes is in this movie" -- but I thought it was pretty common knowledge that she wasn't playing the Joker. Judging from the heinous make-up job here, though, the Tatler Cover Crew did not get that particular memo. Bad form, folks. Bad form indeed.
June 3, 2008

Fugger Than Fiction

Since we started this site, there have been definite periods where there's a lot out there that's bad, but just run-of-the-mill MODERATELY bad, where it doesn't get your pulse racing, or cause you to choke on a frothing geyser of awe and "Whaaaaaa?!?" And then, bless, someone comes along again and thrills us anew with an "OH my GOD, WHAT IS UP?" getup; today, that person is Maggie Gyllenhaal, and we owe her a debt of gratitude.

Because, say it with me here: Oh my GOD, WHAT IS UP?

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At first, based on the '80s shades and the slouchy, shlumpy clothes that are Kirsten Dunst's trademarks, I thought this WAS our girl Kiki, half-heartedly attempting to go incognito with a bad wig so people would stop making her talk about why she went to rehab. But no. It is Maggie G., energetically making the "G" stand for "geriatric." No mere dress over pants, this; she's practically wearing a caftan over cocktail pajamas, and yet she is sporting the peekaboo panel under her boobs, like in case she runs into Ned Beatty she wants him to know she's still ALL WOMAN, even though her rheumatism flares up sometimes. Ellen Burstyn is totally going to call Maggie later and ask if she can borrow this (except of course, she's going to call Kirsten Dunst first by accident, at which point Kirsten is going to join in our "WTF?" chorus and write Maggie an angry letter explaining that there is NO ROOM in the Ray Bans market for her), but Ellen is going to have to get in line, because Phylicia Rashad will have already called dibs. Pretty soon, Peter Saarsgard will be registering Maggie for an AARP membership so they can get the wicked discounts, and she'll be hawking Centrum Silver in Good Housekeeping.

It's so special. Seriously, I think I just fell in love with her a little bit. Thank you, Maggie. And I'm sure a resentful Kirsten Dunst will be getting in touch soon; maybe turn your hearing aid off that day.

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