Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen

So, we've covered Ashley's Catwoman Takes The Coliseum boots. And since they like to be considered independently of each other, and we are nothing if not obliging, it's now time to turn our attention to the sartorial trevails of Mary-Kate Olsen.

Yep, nothing to see here -- Mary-Kate still looks like her favorite place to shop is the Neverland Ranch Staying-Out-Of-Country Clearance Sale, and the world is therefore still spinning on its axis without incident.

Have you ever had one of those days when you just want to enjoy a summer evening breeze bare-legged, but unfortunately, you shaved your legs in a steamy shower after three margaritas and did a horribly crazy, botched job of it, and you lack the time and sobriety to try mowing the lawn a second time? So you're stuck either wearing boots, or wearing cute heels and hoping nobody stares at your calves and wonders if you are a huge The Tudors fan, because why else would you decide to recreate the leafy maze at Hampton Court on your shins?

Well, thank Ashley Olsen, then, because she's got just the footwear solution for you.

Perfect! They cover a multitude of Schick sins and still let you air out at least half the skin on your legs. As a bonus, if this turns into a toga party or a sequel to Gladiator spontaneously breaks out in the middle of the nightclub, you are completely ready for your close-up.

Shoes aside, the rest of her ensemble is actually pretty fetching and chic on her, with the tiny exception of the way the skirt makes me want to yank it down so that it no longer blouses out over the top of her cummerbund. Still, it takes guts to wear a cummerbund. In fact, if she'd worn less aggressive shoes, this whole thing would actually work for me. I like a lot of the risks she takes.

Especially if that is actually a box of crackers in her hand -- being seen out on the town with something that you put in your mouth and swallow? Something that has texture? And isn't indecent -- or, since for many in this town crackers are indecent, something that isn't going to get anyone arrested for exposure? Who'd have thought?

Oh, M-K. Just a few days ago, I was singing your praises. And now, like a rebellious child chafing under the approval of a parent you would prefer to annoy, you have chucked your clean cheeriness right out the window and replaced it with a variety of items that I'm pretty sure you found crumpled in a series of increasingly mustier balls underneath your bed:

Speaking of balls, there's something about your hat/hair combo which reminds me weirdly of former Mischa Barton lover Cisco Adler:

Now that I think about it, adding a little Cisco to your life -- as a boyfriend, a stylistic inspiration or (HEAVENS FORFEND) the both -- is probably an incredibly effective way to irk the parents or parental figures in your life (plus is cheaper than drugs, smarter than getting arrested, and more advisable than attempting to bleach your toddler's teeth).  I hate to give selfishly-motivated man-advice, doll, but it might be easier on everyone's eyeballs if you channeled your rebelliousness into the dudes rather than the duds. (See what I did there? Apparently, it's Corny Wordplay Monday.)

I have a couple of questions about Mary-Kate Olsen's look here. 1) Is that a man's Hanes tee shirt, or one of the super expensive tee shirts from her fashion line, The Row? 2) If it IS one of the super expensive tee shirts from The Row, why does it look so much like a man's Hanes tee shirt? 3) The crucifix is very classic Madonna, and I can't dock a girl for that, can I? 4) While I'd never expect to see M-K show up somewhere in a frilly party dress -- and don't want to. It's not her style -- and I'm pleased that she's showing some skin and not draped in pile of fluttering robes, will we ever see her legs, do you think?

The final question is mostly rhetorical:

Pop Quiz:

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are:

A) pixie-sized vampires, carrying cut-glass vials of human blood in their bags, which they mix with vodka to approximate cosmopolitans at parties.

b) pixie-sized zombies, wearing long skirts and sleeves to conceal their rigor-mortis-ravaged limbs.

c) pixie-sized superfans of The Cure!

d) screwing with us.

BOB: It's so nice to be here with the twins now that they're legal. And still talking to me. I mean, seriously, these are good kids. You don't see Stamos here, do you? No. But they are.

MARY-KATE: I wish Stamos were here.

ASHLEY: Bitch STOLE MY LIPSTICK.

BOB: Although... you know what, I wonder if I should have a talk with Mary-Kate. She's basically wearing a boxer's robe. And that's messed up -- I mean, if anyone tried to fight her, they'd get a KO just by sneezing on her hard.

ASHLEY: Seriously, I can't believe she stole that. We don't HAVE to be LIPSTICK TWINS, beeyotch. You already have MY FACE without my permission.

MARY-KATE: Stamos loves a red lip. He told me that. He was talking about someone his own age, but whatever -- we're soulmates. I knew what he meant.

BOB: And also, she really needs to get her roots done. Like, I'm happy to see her, but the reverse skunk stripe thing is annoying the crap out of me.

ASHLEY: At least I did my makeup without scribbling on my face with a black crayon.

MARY-KATE: When Stamos is here, he always takes me into a corner and wipes all the smeared eyeliner from underneath my eyes. It's the most special time I ever spend with another person. Why else would I show up in public looking like this?

BOB: I'm not good at these kinds of talks. I wish Stamos was here. Everyone listens to that sexy bastard. Even I can't stay mad at him.

ASHLEY: I'm totally texting Stamos later -- he'll understand. He'll feel my pain.

MARY-KATE: I can't believe Stamos didn't show. Sigh. Smile through the heartbreak, Mary-Kate.

ALL: Oh, Stamos.

This is about as much collective joy as I've ever seen on the faces of perenially pouty Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. Aside from being thrilled she remembered her black tube top to wear under her turn-of-the-century PTA party gown, I suspect Ashley is mostly excited that with her new hair, she bears enough of a resemblance to the pretty but generic Kristin Cavallari that she can reignite her acting career by playing the Cavallari's little sister in something really classy, like, National Lampoon's Dick Orgy: Campus Private Eye.

Whereas Mary-Kate is just grateful that she's upgraded from mail-order bride to society madam.

Lest you had forgotten that they are two and not one, the Olsen twins are doggedly continuing in their quest to look as different as possible after all those years of being "Mary-Kate Ashley Olsen" -- an era that began with them being so literally interchangeable that I thought for a long time it was just one actress with a pretentious name.

Ashley has chosen understated clothes, an air of impermeable ennui, and a brunette 'do that I actually rather like; it makes her eyes pop, and after all those years of that fried-looking blond mop, it gives her a welcome sleekness. [Jessica isn't so sure about it, though; she thinks it's blah, and she's not really wrong either. It's kind of all of those things mixed into one. We were going to arm-wrestle to settle this score once and for all, but I am afraid it would be a rout; like George Costanza [edited to note that it might be Monica Gellar, actually... but they're very similar so the confusion is understandable], she is inhumanly strong, and also, her family's mutant power is that they are all really good at arm-wrestling. I think they should pitch an Over The Top sequel. I will make a cameo as the toothless regular who licks her chops at the idea of toppling this clan of upstarts, only to get my ass beaten with a quickness. At which point I will upend the table and speak only in grunts until I'm thrown out of the establishment. Look for it in theaters next fall -- it'll be Oscar bait.]

As pleasant a digression as that was, let's swing back on-topic. I'll hand it to the less-tragic Olsen -- she is very good at choosing outfits that are slightly unusual, and pulling them off anyway. She looks a bit like she's just come from her job as a D.A., but it works, especially with the adorable shoes.

Her twin's divergent direction is, in my estimation, somewhat less successful.

Let's get one thing straight:  I actually don't dislike what either one of them is wearing.

The long hair and the flowing sleeves and goth-y eye make-up and impenetrable expressions make them look like priestesses in an arty film set in the Middle Ages, during which one of them  would spend a lot of time flitting around a turret holding crystal breakers full of mysterious and possibly dangerous potions. She would wear shoes lined in fur, and a crystal around her neck. The other would play a sort of charismatic, seductive temptress who sleeps with men in order to get a sample of their DNA so as to help her sister create a potion that will allow them to rule the world.  She would spend a lot of time naked, and carrying a serpent. Men would know that she was likely to kill them after having her way with them, but they would take off their capes and doublets and submit to her wiles anyway. It would all be very dramatic, and the absolute opposite of what you would expect from Michelle and Michelle Tanner.  I kind of like it, even though I can think of several reasons why I shouldn't.

However, I DO have a comment: Ashley's new hair color has thrown me for a loop. Newly Brown Olsen IS Ashley, right? It took me twenty minutes to figure that out.   Give us a smile, Brown Olsen.  It can't be that bad.

Oh, Frankie. That's good advice. And I'd like to relax -- really, I would -- but, see, I live in L.A. also, and it's making me tense knowing that a pack of rabid chihuahuas is running around trying to tailor people's pants with their fangs. Mary-Kate-or-Ashley (with the latter's new hair color, who can say without a clear look at the eyebrows?) is putting on a brave face, but I'm not so stoic.