Misc. Awards Shows

Katy Perry had a busy night in Germany: As the host of the MTV EMAs, she did what every awards-show emcee does, and wore seventy billion different outfits. I got tired just sifting through the photos, and I didn't have to change my pants every five minutes to do it -- although maybe next time I will, just to increase my empathy. That way, when, say, Eva Longoria Parker hosts the ALMAs again and dons 15 separate ensembles, and I fug them, and she calls me up (you know, as she's wont to do) and goes, "Bitch, you don't know my life," I can be like, "Oh yes I DO -- do you KNOW how many t-shirts I went through last night while I was surfing for photos?" And then we'll cry and hug it out and she'll give me a pair of Louboutins from her closet as a peace offering.

Anyway: Perry. Let's start with what she wore on the red carpet.

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I don't mind this too much. From some angles, the black detail looks like a creeping skin disease, and I guess it is indenting on her left boob a little bit, and I am tired of fishtails... in fact, given all of that, why DOESN'T it bother me? I don't know. I actually think she looks pretty. And TINY. It's not that I ever thought Katy Perry wasn't super slender, but for whatever reason this drove it home.

Later, there was this:

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It's fine. It fits her boobs better. It's fairly plain, but for the adornment on her chest that reminds me of what might happen if you ran over an Everlasting Gobstopper with your car.

Once Katy got on stage, though, things took their usual turn:


I always speak too soon. I put up photos of people on the red carpet -- like Beyonce yesterday, and Leona today -- and then I see that they changed their clothes for the performance portion of the evening. It happens ALL THE TIME and yet I always forget. I am like Jessica Simpson with boys who are guaranteed to break her heart: I NEVER LEARN.

First up: Beyonce's stage attire.
 
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You know, it's... well, it's Beyonce in lingerie. It's not the weirdest thing she's ever worn, nor is it particularly inspired. I guess I just wish she weren't being quite so Christina Aguilera about it all. We've been there. We've seen that. It was dirrrrty. Move along.

Leona Lewis went much bigger for her performance:
When I first saw this photo, I thought, "I guess that's sort of an interesting cocktail dress Leona is wearing."

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And then. AND THEN:

There was a time when the sight of Beyoncce in a strapless, clingy gown with a fishtail-esque hem would've elicited an eye-roll from both of us, and a yawn, and several chants of "BORING" while we listened to The Pierces' "Boring" and scrawled the words Mrs. Beyonce BORING on our Trapper-Keepers.

And yet:

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Apparently absence makes the heart grow fonder. Miss B has spent so much time wearing robot hands and leotards lately that I'm actually very pleased to see her looking so shapely and pretty here in that very eye-catching dress. I love the structure of the top. When you're a woman with hips, wearing a bodice like that with so much architectural fan detail is really risky because it could broaden you rather than flatter you  but somehow -- by the grace of God and her DNA, I guess -- Beyonce is rocking it hard. I also love the full, curly hair. The whole thing, to me, works.

I mean, consider it: Not that long ago, Beyonce would've been the one showing up wearing this:
I don't know how to break this to you, so I'm just going to come out and say it: Juliette and the Licks apparently broke up back in JANUARY. Why was I not notified, Universe? This means we may never get to hear her perform such instant classics as "Sticky Honey," in which she wails with such unbridled yearning, "Sticky sticky sticky honey // Man lands on Mars // Man rips off his broken parts."

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[Photo: WENN.com]

The GOOD news is, it doesn't appear to have affected her aesthetic yet.

Also, her new band -- The New Romantiques -- isn't wasting any time getting to the crazy. Its song is called "Suicide Dive Bombers," which Juliette said, quite seriously, is a love letter to all the fans who keep coming to watch in her perform. And it's true. Nothing bespeaks the heart's most precious emotion than a song named after terrorists that includes the words, "Now you see this path has all been laid out... littered with guillotine and razorblades. I lost my mind more than once." If that's love, then can't WAIT to see what comes out when she decides to write a lyrical hate letter.

Well, this was unexpected.

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[Photo: WENN.com]
 
Do we think Pete Wentz, after a few too many cocktails, had a "Eureka!" moment in which he finally married his twin passions of A Clockwork Orange and Sharpies? Or do we think he passed out and his bandmates drew on his face? Either way, Ashlee will be so pissed. She didn't get fired from Melrose Place just to sit around the house scrubbing his eyelid with cold cream.

Perhaps Pete will give us a clue as to what inspired this. Pete? Do you have anything to say for yourself?

So apparently the Daytime Emmy Awards are coming up in a week, and Lesli Kay of The Bold and the Beautiful did some publicity thing where she's trying on dresses. Which I'm sure was a treat and all, but:

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She looks like she's about to be crowned Queen of a very small principality whose chief national export is gilded interiors, and is posing for the official photograph that will be used for authorized coronation merchandise -- say, coffee mugs and breakfast trays, or-- in the vein of my very favorite Chuck & Di royal-wedding souvenir -- metal trash cans. It's all a bit mature. And in the case of her shoulder adornments, almost military, as if she exhibited deepest bravery in defense of her country's largest and most jealously targeted brass-knob factory. In short, I don't recommend that she pick this option.

Nor would I advocate this one:
Hey, guys, remember Jojo? Super young girl who sang world weary songs about how that boy at YMCA camp totally done her wrong, or something? Didn't you wonder what happened to her? Neither did I. But here she is at the Teen Choice Awards:

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Wikipedia tells me she has an album coming out at the end of the year, and good for her, I say: from what I remember, the girl CAN sing. But who cares about SKILLS? Let's talk about her outfit.

  1. How cute of her to match her bag to the sign.
  2. WTF is going on with the bodice on this thing? It COULD be awesome. Or it could be just too similar in effect to what you'd get if you pasted tiny bits of aluminum foil to Ace bandages and wrapped them around your boobs. So let's go in for the close-up:

This one has been brewing for a while now, but I keep forgetting to wax confused by it. Behold Audrina Patridge, having completed -- presumably -- her transformation into having more fun:

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[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]

It's not that she looks so terrible as a blonde, but... really? Did The Hills need another blonde? Granted, the only other brunettes on that show are Stacy The Bartender, who injected idiotic fake drama into the Speidi relationship with all the skill and enthusiasm of someone trying to shove a brick through a tennis racket, and the terminally drippy Jayde -- girlfriend of the terminally cheesy Brody Jenner. So I can't say I blame Audrina for wanting to distance herself from that aesthetic. But she was also THE brunette on the show for a long time, and there's no way anyone who watches is going to mistake her for either of those other two yokels, so why she felt the need to make herself just like everyone else on The Hills is beyond me. She doesn't even get to fall back on being The One With The Giant Fake Boobs, because Heidi got there first. Too bad, so sad.

While we're here: I can't even work up a criticism of the outfit because it's just sort of there. (Kind of like Audrina herself at times.) The shoes are fun and I like the bag, but maybe not together -- certainly not both of them with that fuchsia. And the dress is kind of sagging on her boob job, which in many respects defeats the purpose of getting a boob job -- and seriously, honey, if you're insistent on wearing a strapless dress, can't you at least get out the power sander and slough off those tan lines?

Huh. Turns out I could work up a criticism on the outfit. Who knew?

Somehow, in all the Teen Choice hoo-ha that makes us feel increasingly like ancient old biddies every year, we forgot to talk about Kristen Bell. 

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[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]

Clearly, if neither of us seized a chance to tear into this outfit on the first or second day it was in the offing, we are experiencing a heightened sense of Jumpsuit Fatigue. Symptoms include staring absently at the computer screen, coming up with lame excuses for procrastination that include, "Oh, I haven't been to MenWhoLookLikeKennyRogers.com in about four years -- I wonder if men still look like Kenny Rogers now that Kenny Rogers doesn't even look like Kenny Rogers," an otherwise inexplicable willingness to watch Deal Or No Deal reruns on the Game Show Network, and migraines. If you or someone you love is experiencing Jumpsuit Fatigue, talk to your doctor about how you can learn to live with this untreatable condition. And then send Kristen Bell a letter explaining that she has sent you down a rabbit hole, and that you are furious that dude didn't take the deal two suitcases ago, because COME ON, I don't care what the girl holding #23 said, she has NO IDEA whether she's holding $250,000 and if you want to bet your student-loan payment schedule on her hunch just because she's got really white teeth then that's your cross to bear, pal.

Ahem. That is all.

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