Oh, Leighton, all is forgiven:
You look so pert and adorable in this, I just can't stay mad at you. Aren't you SO RELIEVED?
You look so pert and adorable in this, I just can't stay mad at you. Aren't you SO RELIEVED?
Misc. Awards Shows
August 11, 2009
Teen Choice Awards Well Played: Leighton Meester
August 11, 2009
Teen Choice Awards Fug: Ed Westwick
"What? He was a rebel without a cause; I am a rebel without socks. It's the same. Deal with it."
August 10, 2009
Letter of Truth: Teen Choice Awards Edition
"OhMYGODY'ALL.
HI! HI! HI AGAIN! It's been like a thousand years or whatever I guess I haven't felt like correspondering very much because I had a lot of stuff happening in my life that I was in denial about, is what my therapist says. I was like, how can you be in denial about how you cracked up and shaved your own head because like every time I looked in the mirror last year I was all, "why did I shave my own head?" Let's be honest, like Dr Phil always says: that was stupid. But SHE says Dr Phil isn't even really a doctor which makes me wonder if maybe she can't read? Because it's right there in his name. But lots of people can't read so it's not a big deal. Anyway, SHE says the head-shaving thing was just a symptom of something or something. I don't know. Sometimes when she talks I just look out the window and think about those bottled frappuccinos. ANYWAYS, yesterday morning I decided it would probably be good for me to get out of the house because honestly like all I do is sit by the pool and try and keep Sean P from eating my cigarette butts, like EVERY DAY and I just get really BORED, y'all. LIKE REALLY BORED. I mean, I guess I was on tour because my Dad's Slurpee shack isn't going to keep him in the manner to which he has become accustomed, which is what he keeps telling me when I complain about how bored I am under his RAIN OF TERROR but dude I totally don't even know that that means. But anyway being on tour is just like prancing around for an hour and hiding from Pussycat Dolls because they always want to TELL ME THINGS like why do they think we are friends? I can't even tell them apart. I don't even know if there are seven or eight of them? Could someone please email me and tell me once and for ever how many Pussycat Dolls there are? I'm still at SweetCheetosLover4eva27@aol.com. Thanks.
And ALSO tour is boring because the whole time I'm on tour I have to spend ALL THIS TIME pretending I care about my back-up dancers' love lives or whatever because they are ALWAYS talking to me about how I should know what it's like to be dating a back-up dancer and the funny thing is, you guys, I had these conversations with them for like SIX MONTHS until I even remembered that KEVIN used to be a back-up dancer because right now he looks like he's a back-up competitive eater OH NO I DIDN'T. But for real y'all, he has gotten really big and I swear to god if I put on that kind of weight US Weekly would be FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW. Like REALLY FREAKING OUT and instead they're just like, "Chunky is Hunky" about him and it's totally unfair y'all. Sexism IS wrong! I wish someone would have explained that better before. But whatever: ever since I started dating my agent, Kevin is NOT MY PROBLEM which is what my agent keeps telling me but I noticed he has never said that about Justin so between you and me, Justin still IS my problem and I plan to solve that problem this YEAR if you know what I mean, so watch out Jessica Biel is what I mean.
So I decided to go to the Teen Choice Whatevers and really show all these new girls that like seriously they are so not as awesome as I was when I was a Teen Choice. Has Selena Gomarciaparra ever danced with a SNAKE? NO. Has that girl on that dumb show about teen pregnancy ever actually BEEN TEEN PREGNANT? NO. Has the one in the vampire thing ever made out with MADONNA? NO. Although actually I think Madonna kind of might be a vampire now that I think about it. And yeah maybe I totally rushed over there because I decided to go show them how awesome I still am like ten minutes before the show started and I kind of ended up walking there because it's a long story but I have this problem with my driver's license STILL and so maybe when I showed up my weave looked kind of ratty BECAUSE I WALKED THERE and also I forgot to bring my purse and I had to do the "Oops I Did It Again" dance for security before they believed it was me so I look sort of sweaty but COME ON:
1) I have hair
2) I'm not in rehab
3) My dress was bought at FULL PRICE at Charlotte Russe
AND 4) I am WAY MORE AWESOME than these other people and I think I just PROVED IT. IT'S STILL BRITNEY, BITCHES!
TTYL because I totally still have to tell you this crazy thing that happened the other night when I had a fight with one of the Pussycat people about who was better at putting her leg over her head. WE HAVE SO MUCH TO CATCH UP ON, Y'ALL
LOVE,
BRITNEY
HI! HI! HI AGAIN! It's been like a thousand years or whatever I guess I haven't felt like correspondering very much because I had a lot of stuff happening in my life that I was in denial about, is what my therapist says. I was like, how can you be in denial about how you cracked up and shaved your own head because like every time I looked in the mirror last year I was all, "why did I shave my own head?" Let's be honest, like Dr Phil always says: that was stupid. But SHE says Dr Phil isn't even really a doctor which makes me wonder if maybe she can't read? Because it's right there in his name. But lots of people can't read so it's not a big deal. Anyway, SHE says the head-shaving thing was just a symptom of something or something. I don't know. Sometimes when she talks I just look out the window and think about those bottled frappuccinos. ANYWAYS, yesterday morning I decided it would probably be good for me to get out of the house because honestly like all I do is sit by the pool and try and keep Sean P from eating my cigarette butts, like EVERY DAY and I just get really BORED, y'all. LIKE REALLY BORED. I mean, I guess I was on tour because my Dad's Slurpee shack isn't going to keep him in the manner to which he has become accustomed, which is what he keeps telling me when I complain about how bored I am under his RAIN OF TERROR but dude I totally don't even know that that means. But anyway being on tour is just like prancing around for an hour and hiding from Pussycat Dolls because they always want to TELL ME THINGS like why do they think we are friends? I can't even tell them apart. I don't even know if there are seven or eight of them? Could someone please email me and tell me once and for ever how many Pussycat Dolls there are? I'm still at SweetCheetosLover4eva27@aol.com. Thanks.
And ALSO tour is boring because the whole time I'm on tour I have to spend ALL THIS TIME pretending I care about my back-up dancers' love lives or whatever because they are ALWAYS talking to me about how I should know what it's like to be dating a back-up dancer and the funny thing is, you guys, I had these conversations with them for like SIX MONTHS until I even remembered that KEVIN used to be a back-up dancer because right now he looks like he's a back-up competitive eater OH NO I DIDN'T. But for real y'all, he has gotten really big and I swear to god if I put on that kind of weight US Weekly would be FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW. Like REALLY FREAKING OUT and instead they're just like, "Chunky is Hunky" about him and it's totally unfair y'all. Sexism IS wrong! I wish someone would have explained that better before. But whatever: ever since I started dating my agent, Kevin is NOT MY PROBLEM which is what my agent keeps telling me but I noticed he has never said that about Justin so between you and me, Justin still IS my problem and I plan to solve that problem this YEAR if you know what I mean, so watch out Jessica Biel is what I mean.
So I decided to go to the Teen Choice Whatevers and really show all these new girls that like seriously they are so not as awesome as I was when I was a Teen Choice. Has Selena Gomarciaparra ever danced with a SNAKE? NO. Has that girl on that dumb show about teen pregnancy ever actually BEEN TEEN PREGNANT? NO. Has the one in the vampire thing ever made out with MADONNA? NO. Although actually I think Madonna kind of might be a vampire now that I think about it. And yeah maybe I totally rushed over there because I decided to go show them how awesome I still am like ten minutes before the show started and I kind of ended up walking there because it's a long story but I have this problem with my driver's license STILL and so maybe when I showed up my weave looked kind of ratty BECAUSE I WALKED THERE and also I forgot to bring my purse and I had to do the "Oops I Did It Again" dance for security before they believed it was me so I look sort of sweaty but COME ON:
1) I have hair
2) I'm not in rehab
3) My dress was bought at FULL PRICE at Charlotte Russe
AND 4) I am WAY MORE AWESOME than these other people and I think I just PROVED IT. IT'S STILL BRITNEY, BITCHES!
TTYL because I totally still have to tell you this crazy thing that happened the other night when I had a fight with one of the Pussycat people about who was better at putting her leg over her head. WE HAVE SO MUCH TO CATCH UP ON, Y'ALL
LOVE,
BRITNEY
August 10, 2009
Teen Choice Awards Fug Carpet: Alexis Bledel
Rory Gilmore. You are KILLING ME with this.
What drunken brigade of mice helped sew this? Because I think they glued an apron to a table runner and then crawled down the neck of a Pabst Blue Ribbon to celebrate. It actually might be an HOMAGE to Pabst Blue Ribbon, in the sense that you look like a giant first-prize rosette in some sort of pageant honoring wearable tea cozies. The only part of this dress that fits you is the neck hole. ABORT.
What drunken brigade of mice helped sew this? Because I think they glued an apron to a table runner and then crawled down the neck of a Pabst Blue Ribbon to celebrate. It actually might be an HOMAGE to Pabst Blue Ribbon, in the sense that you look like a giant first-prize rosette in some sort of pageant honoring wearable tea cozies. The only part of this dress that fits you is the neck hole. ABORT.
August 10, 2009
Teen Choice Awards Fug Carpet: Miley Cyrus
So, when we got some emails from readers last night who were all, "MILEY CYRUS IS A POLE DANCER!!!" I really just thought they meant she was DRESSED like a pole dancer. You know, that it was a metaphor. But apparently, no. Girlfriend ACTUALLY DANCED WITH A POLE. At the Teen Choice Awards. Cyrus family, you continue to make the most interesting choices. (The teen girl in the background of that photo is making an incredibly apt facial expression. Seriously. Our expressions were like mirrors of one another at that moment.)
The fact that Miley here actually DID dance with a pole kind of takes the wind out of the sails of any crack I might make about her being dressed as a stripper, though. It'd be like saying that Katherine Heigl was dressed like someone who was likely to say something ill-advised from a PR standpoint later in the evening, or that Diane Kruger was accessorized with a hot dude. As we used to say when I was a teen myself, "no duh." So maybe Ms Cyrus is just playing defense, of a sort -- anticipating what I am about to say about her outfit and then DOING IT so as to step on my joke. If that's the case, I admit, I do look forward to seeing how one dresses as Cog More Easily Replaced in Disney Machine Than Anticipated, or Billionaire Girl Unemployed Thanks to the Rise of Selena Gomez/Demi Lovato/A Player To Named Later (Presumably Named Something Like Selemi Govato Just So We're Even More Confused) And Her Own Confounding Behavior As Re: Her Fan Base, And, More Importantly, Their Parents, The People Who Buy The Backpacks With Her Face on Them.
The fact that Miley here actually DID dance with a pole kind of takes the wind out of the sails of any crack I might make about her being dressed as a stripper, though. It'd be like saying that Katherine Heigl was dressed like someone who was likely to say something ill-advised from a PR standpoint later in the evening, or that Diane Kruger was accessorized with a hot dude. As we used to say when I was a teen myself, "no duh." So maybe Ms Cyrus is just playing defense, of a sort -- anticipating what I am about to say about her outfit and then DOING IT so as to step on my joke. If that's the case, I admit, I do look forward to seeing how one dresses as Cog More Easily Replaced in Disney Machine Than Anticipated, or Billionaire Girl Unemployed Thanks to the Rise of Selena Gomez/Demi Lovato/A Player To Named Later (Presumably Named Something Like Selemi Govato Just So We're Even More Confused) And Her Own Confounding Behavior As Re: Her Fan Base, And, More Importantly, Their Parents, The People Who Buy The Backpacks With Her Face on Them.
So, last week, I spaced out. See, sometimes, our image provider bumps old images up onto the main page, randomly, and I often think to myself, "Some poor schmo is going to see those and think they're NEW," and then... I was that schmo. I accidentally fugged a photo of Fergie that was from 2007. I KNOW. It certainly explains why she had her old hair. I have no real excuse, except that things are a tad crazy around the ol' homestead and I'm not getting very much sleep any more, and also, last week sucked. But still. As Homer Simpson would say, "I am so smart. I am so smart. S-M-R-T."
Ahem. Anyway, given that, you can see why maybe I saw this photograph and feared I was about to do it again. It FEELS a lot like 2007 up in here:
I actually think 2007 just went through its closet and left a bunch of stuff out on the curb for the Salvation Army, and Shailene happened to be driving by and thought a five-fingered discount on a skinny-jeans-and-corset-combo was too good to refuse. Because who DOESN'T want to put on pants that require lubrication just to get them up over your knees, much less your thighs, and then seal the deal with a button-torso closure? That's so much fun it's practically a carnival ride! Of course, it'll take her forever to use the lavatory. I guess the thinking is, if it takes you half an hour to wait in the bathroom line, then you'd best hang out in there a while.
Things didn't improve too much for Shailene at the Teen Choice Awards. Instead of trousers that come up to her armpits, she wore almost the exact opposite:
Ahem. Anyway, given that, you can see why maybe I saw this photograph and feared I was about to do it again. It FEELS a lot like 2007 up in here:
I actually think 2007 just went through its closet and left a bunch of stuff out on the curb for the Salvation Army, and Shailene happened to be driving by and thought a five-fingered discount on a skinny-jeans-and-corset-combo was too good to refuse. Because who DOESN'T want to put on pants that require lubrication just to get them up over your knees, much less your thighs, and then seal the deal with a button-torso closure? That's so much fun it's practically a carnival ride! Of course, it'll take her forever to use the lavatory. I guess the thinking is, if it takes you half an hour to wait in the bathroom line, then you'd best hang out in there a while.
Things didn't improve too much for Shailene at the Teen Choice Awards. Instead of trousers that come up to her armpits, she wore almost the exact opposite:
Continue reading Teen Choice Awards and Other Random Event Fug Carpets: Shailene Woodley.
August 10, 2009
Teen Choice Awards Fug Carpet: Various Kardashians
KYLIE JENNER: Um, hello? Isn't anyone going to stop this?
KENDALL JENNER: Seriously. SOMEBODY dropped the ball here.
KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN: Security!
KIM KARDASHIAN: What do you mean?
KYLIE: Ew, it's TALKING to us!
KENDALL: I am FURIOUS that they let random fans just WALK UP TO US. Don't they know who we ARE?
KOURTNEY: Well, nobody knows who YOU are, honey.
KYLIE: Oh, please, most people don't know who you are either.
KIM: They know who I am!
KENDALL: The hell? Why would they know who you are, Random Stranger?
KIM: Guys, it's me. Kim.
KOURTNEY: No it's not. I would know my own sister.
KENDALL: You look nothing like Kim, you lying strumpet.
KIM: Dudes, for real, it's ME. I just got a breakup tan and the Audrina Patridge Special on my hair.
KYLIE: I don't believe you.
KOURTNEY: Well, hang on, Kim HAS been yakking on Twitter about changing her hair.
KIM: Right! And now that I'm single, IT'S ON! Where you AT, Tony Romo?
KOURTNEY: I'm not sure how I feel about it.
KIM: Well, I am not sure how I feel about your dress. Is it a magic carpet that you bought in Santa Fe?
KOURTNEY: Oooh, it's a bitch! Then it's DEFINITELY Kim.
KIM: Very funny.
August 10, 2009
Teen Choice Awards Fug Carpet: Kristen Stewart
It should be no surprise to anyone that, at the Teen Choice awards, this teen chose to confound me once more. I know we're kind of hard on K.Stew around these parts, but it's not without reason:
There is definitely a kicky aspect to her spiny mini-dress, like she is some kind of crime-fighting figure-skater who launches a triple-axle and lets the knives on her skirt shred through her enemies like a tornado of pain.
What I DON'T care for is how it looks like she's wearing it backwards. Seriously, I almost wonder if that's the case -- as if a low-cut back prevented her from wearing a bra, so instead of investigating other support options, she just flipped it around and threw on a $9.99 Old Navy tank to cover her front. If that's true, well, I guess I applaud her consideration of her boobs, but the outfit shows zero consideration for the rest of her. SURELY there is some middle-ground. Or if not, then a very large coat.
Also, I have to address the elephant in the room. I KNOW she's got that hair for the Joan Jett movie. I do. But COME ON:
There is definitely a kicky aspect to her spiny mini-dress, like she is some kind of crime-fighting figure-skater who launches a triple-axle and lets the knives on her skirt shred through her enemies like a tornado of pain.
What I DON'T care for is how it looks like she's wearing it backwards. Seriously, I almost wonder if that's the case -- as if a low-cut back prevented her from wearing a bra, so instead of investigating other support options, she just flipped it around and threw on a $9.99 Old Navy tank to cover her front. If that's true, well, I guess I applaud her consideration of her boobs, but the outfit shows zero consideration for the rest of her. SURELY there is some middle-ground. Or if not, then a very large coat.
Also, I have to address the elephant in the room. I KNOW she's got that hair for the Joan Jett movie. I do. But COME ON:
Continue reading Teen Choice Awards Fug Carpet: Kristen Stewart.
June 29, 2009
BET Awards Fug Carpet: Melody Thornton
Dear Melody "Pussycat Doll" Thornton:
OMG.
WTF?
NO.
You have scarred me into only speaking in monosyllabic words and common acronyms. This...is not.... It needs.... There ought to be.... MORE. MORE OF SOMETHING. MORE OF EVERYTHING.
OMG.
WTF?
NO.
You have scarred me into only speaking in monosyllabic words and common acronyms. This...is not.... It needs.... There ought to be.... MORE. MORE OF SOMETHING. MORE OF EVERYTHING.
June 29, 2009
BET Awards Fug or Fab: Alicia Keys
Okay, first and foremost -- because I believe in the power of positive reinforcement -- I just have to say that I love when Alicia wears her hair the way she did last night at the BET Awards. I think she's very pretty to begin with, obviously, but there's something about this look that is really flattering. And I liked what she wore on the red carpet:
She looks leggy and summery and I love the color. But speaking of leggy, shall we take a looksee at what she wore inside?
She looks leggy and summery and I love the color. But speaking of leggy, shall we take a looksee at what she wore inside?
Continue reading BET Awards Fug or Fab: Alicia Keys.
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A book, huh? Is it just stuff you already put on the Web site?
Nope, we wrote the whole thing fresh, just for you.
Awesome. In that case, I want to read it!
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