Misc. Awards Shows

You know how there are those days when you totally don't know what to wear and you wish you could just bring like four outfits to work or whatever and change it all? Alicia Keys actually did that at the BETs. First, we've got her pink cocktail dress on the red carpet:

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Which I think I love. Yes, I WILL give you a congratulatory fist bump you over this dress, Alicia. Thank you for offering.

Then we had the performance outfit:
I wish I had a better photo of this dress on Queen Latifah. Heather and I were lucky enough to go to the BET Awards last night (more on that later, but the short version is that it was awesome), and she looked AMAZING in person. Maybe a mini-collage will help get that across:

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This color is totally awesome on her and the cut is super flattering. In fairness, I must admit that I just sort of dig her in general, and she usually looks fab, but this time she turned the fab up to FAB (you know, the all important Awards Show Caps Lock Effect).

These shiny pants would be a crime against a 57-year old groin, much less one belonging to a spry under-40 like Anthony Hamilton.

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Seriously, dude, if you pull those up any higher you'll be infertile.
Remember Toccara? The first plus-sized woman who actually mattered on America's Next Top Model? The one who kept chicken under the bed and then mysteriously lost her personality after a brutal photo shoot where the clothes didn't quite fit? I loved her. Especially for the chicken thing. If I wasn't so skeeved out at the idea of not refrigerating my chicken, I can't promise I wouldn't want a secret stash under the bed, especially if I were sharing a house with a bunch of hungry bitches who might sleepwalk their way into my corner of the icebox.

Anyway, I'm thrilled Toccara didn't drop off the face of the planet like so many ANTM alums; instead, she's working for BET and has done two seasons of Celebrity Fit Club -- the latter of which presumably led to her look like this:

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She's teeny now. But my question is, does she look TOO skinny? And does the dress work, or is she squishing herself into it just to make a point? Trust me, I know a girl can't always control whether her chest downsizes apace with the rest of her, but I'm thinking Toccara probably could've started a few sizes larger with the dress and then had the bottom part tailored to her. Nobody would've known, and we'd all be sitting here going, "DAMN, she looks hot," as opposed to, "Damn, that makes my boobs hurt."

Aw, and yet, I don't want to take away from all the hard work she put in for that bod. One of the things I really liked about Toccara was how she embraced being "juicy," to use Miss J's favorite word for it, but if she's genuinely healthier now, then that's great. More power to her. Just don't COMPLETELY quit the chicken on us, babe, or else there won't be any of you left.

June 25, 2008

BET Awards Fug: Ashanti

That Ashanti! She's so selfless. Look at how she sacrifices herself so that we might all learn an important fashion lesson.

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When the subject stands still, everything is fine. Sure, it looks like she stapled a drape to a figure-skating costume, and either there is an optical illusion causing me to think I can see her underwear, or I actually CAN see her underwear. But aside from all the confused frowning I'm doing in the direction of her crotch, she's not in danger of directing our ship into the Bermuda Triangle.

Unfortunately, the subject had to move.
Heather and I were having this conversation the other day about the Teen Choice Awards -- as you did at your office, I'm sure -- and how surprised we were that Rihanna was shut out of the all important "Choice Red Carpet Fashion Icon: Female" category. Sure, I don't love everything she wears, but she always makes interesting choices (and her hair is cute). Like this one:

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On one had, the color is great on her and it's so summery and feminine. On the other hand, I think this dress -- along with a huge yellow wide-brimmed hat with a bow -- made several appearances on bridesmaids of the 70s. So, there's that. That can't be good. Unless Chris Brown is hanging around in a blue ruffled tux, in which case...I'll allow it.
Oh, SOLANGE. Just because you're the Knowles no one remembers, it doesn't mean you have to upholster yourself like a sofa someone left out by the street:

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At the very least, upholster yourself like something that's still in the house.
Um, Miss Minnelli?  I hate to disturb you. You're pretty awesome, and I'm happy you're still up and kicking around. In fact, I wish you'd write your autobiography, because I know it would be a juicy read, especially accompanied by a cold martini. But, uh, I think you forgot something?

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Shh, let's act like you did it on purpose and maybe no one will notice.

Something about this is SO WRONG, it's come around to being awesomely right, by which I mean, totally hilarious:

I mean, what can I say that will add to the hilariousness already inherent in this dress? That it looks like something a starfish would wear to a formal dance in an episode of SpongeBob SquarePants? That it's a item of clothing that will provide hours and hours of gleeful chuckles and bad jokes to the drunk? That it appears to be a sartorial salute to the body's major arteries? No. You have to just look upon its majesties and enjoy.

CRISS ANGEL: You seem to be having a good time.

POPPY MONTGOMERY: Sure! I just had a baby and I look great! I have no idea what I'm doing here, but at least I look good doing it. Why are YOU here?

CRISS: I'm MAGIC.

POPPY: No, really.

CRISS: I AM MAGIC.

POPPY: Do you have a show on CBS now, or something?

CRISS: A MAGICAL SHOW.

POPPY:...okay, then can we talk about what you're wearing?

CRISS: Is it not magical?

POPPY: It is not. Unless "magical" is a synonym for "frighteningly reminiscent of the contents of a hormone-fueled nightmare I once had about being chained to Nikki Sixx at a biker bar while being haunted by Lord Voldemort's Dark Mark." In which case: totally.

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