Mischa Barton

September 18, 2008

Don't Fug Away

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OMG YOU GUYS. I am SO excited about Mischa Barton's new movie!!!!

It's called Shitty Posture: A Love Story: Starring Mischa Barton as Slumpy: And Introducing Leo and Leora Leopard Print, the Matchy Twins! It's going to be so awesome! I heard from this guy on the escalator at Century City that's totally more heartfelt and touching and layered and complex than Beverly Hills Chihuahua and he swore he worked at CAA so he TOTALLY KNOWS. See you in line!!

September 17, 2008

Virgin Fuggatory

This picture pleases me so much.

[Photo: BauerGriffinOnline.com]

It's like La Barton is secretly a Swedish exchange student who got arrested for a public display of installing ruthlessly efficient, cheap, and minimalist lacquer shelving, and is laughing it up in the drunk tank because her lawyer posted $20 and some DJAAARF bedside tables as bail. If this is what we have to look forward to from Mischa's new headband-designing venture, then I have high hopes for a bunch more inane yet pleasing sightings where her noggin adornments coordinate with a fabric strip she's glued to her front. Bless her overachieving heart.

August 13, 2008

Fugscha Barton

Here's my question: is Mischa Barton a cat burglar now?

[Photo: Splash News]

Because she's certainly dressing like one.

July 30, 2008

Fug the Cover: Mischa Barton

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Marie Claire

I have some questions. One: why does Mischa Barton keep landing covers? She isn't doing ANYTHING INTERESTING. In fact, I think one of her most recent films went straight to DVD. I'd argue that she's never been more irrelevant than she is right now. And I find it hard to believe that -- for their 20th anniversary issue -- Marie Claire couldn't rustle up someone more compelling, someone more current, someone with something to promote for their cover. Keira Knightley too busy calling Sienna Miller and warning her that frolicking naked with a married guy is kind of bad PR? Emma Watson too busy filming Half Blood Prince? Helen Mirren too busy parading around being awesome? Fine. But this brings us to question number two: when Mischa Barton lands a cover despite having nothing of interest to bring to the table whatsoever other than her pretty face, why does she go and do that to her pretty face? She looks like she just Hoovered through a tray of bad seafood. And despite the cover's instructions, that is a party for no one.

July 29, 2008

Fugged In

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I admit that when this photo popped up on my computer screen, I gasped, "Oh my god," to the empty room. My Dylan McKay doll raised a brow, but other than that, I got no response from the universe. Which is fair, because I don't know that this really deserves a response:

[Photo: Splash News]

She looks so glum. And I get it. While her dress/shirt is actually kind of cute on its own, it is seriously just too short for her and looks like it's riding up. Go up a size and down an inch, and you'd feel so much better, I'm just saying. Seriously. No one knows what size you're wearing but you -- don't you ever watch What Not To Wear on random Sunday mornings while you're eating a bagel and wondering why, no matter how often you use the Swiffer, that part of the floor under your one armchair always looks totally disgusting? You should. It's very educational. And with those depressing, unseasonable brown tights? God. I'm getting depressed just looking at her. Would someone please bring me a danish? Make it two.

July 11, 2008

Well Played, Mischa Barton

The Artist Formerly Known As Marissa Cooper is as hit-or-miss as a game of darts at the end of a beer-sodden Friday Happy Hour. But when she looks good, I often think to myself, "I wonder why she doesn't work more. Somebody should give her another TV job."

[Photo: WENN]

Then, of course, I catch a rerun of The O.C. on SoapNet, which cures me of that temporary insanity. But hey, at least she looks fantastic. Maybe someone could get her a part in, say, Mannequin 3: Plastic Makes Perfect, as one of the highly visible but ultimately silent supporting dummies that DOESN'T ever come to life. Everybody wins!

June 12, 2008

You and Fug

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O. M. G, Mischa.

[Photo: Splash News]

This reminds me of something. What is it? What is it? Something...from my childhood. Something I might have memorized. Something oft-parodied by Bugs Bunny....something like:

By the shores of the Upper East Side

By the shining Empire State Building

Stood the fringe-y moonbooted Mischa

Exiled from The OC, tragic Mischa,

Dark behind her rose her stylist,

Rose her stylist with bad intentions

Rose her stylish with this suggestion,

"Why don't we go for something...Pocahontas?

"Don't you trust me? I'm a professional"*

With apologies to Longfellow. But seriously. In my experience, if any part of your look is currently also appearing on any of Disneyland's Frontierland employees, you might should rethink it.

June 11, 2008

Mischa Fugston, Please Make a Movie So I Have New Fodder For These Headlines

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ruffles

Oh, Mischa, Mischa. Mischa. I'm pleased to see you give your sweet new Loubs another twirl, but I'm just not so sure about the rest of it:

The dress itself is kind of super-foofy (and I say that as someone who loves a splash of foof) but I actually think it might have worked in a different color. La Barton is just too pale for this shade. And that's no complaint about her. I myself am wickedly pale-ass because fake-bake turns me orange and I don't care to get skin cancer. Her natural coloring is lovely. But wearing a frock in Recycled Institutional Toilet Paper versus, say, Blushing Celery Root or Shy Eggplant is doing her no favors.

June 10, 2008

Fugsha Barton

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lace,
WTF

The good news is, I love Mischa's shoes.

The bad news is, she was a little too inspired by her napkin-folding seminar.

June 6, 2008

You and Fug

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As I type, I'm watching a commercial about shutters that says, "Get them custom fit. Lose the junk!"

The same rule applies to Mischa Barton's pants.

[Photo: Splash News]

PROPER pants would totally clear out the junk collecting in her treasure trunk. The camel-toe there, especially when she stands that way, is verging on a lump the likes of which would make a male ballet dancer jealous. I could understand Mischa not noticing this, what with all the distractions posed by her fungal shirt -- it's like body armor for lace addicts -- or the fact that those pantggings are almost certainly chafing in ways that might ruin her weekend. This is why Mischa needs people. She needs a friend who can, as a secondary function, wrangle her polterwang. Ghostbust the ghost-bulge. Manage the man-meat mirage. The job might not pay well, but I bet it comes with full medical and dental. And complimentary therapy.

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Mischa Barton

Don't Fug Away

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Virgin Fuggatory

Fugscha Barton

Fug the Cover: Mischa Barton

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Fugged In

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Well Played, Mischa Barton

You and Fug

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Mischa Fugston, Please Make a Movie So I Have New Fodder For These Headlines

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Fugsha Barton

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You and Fug

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