"Good evening, America. I'm Hilary Swank. Before we talk about my outfit, let's talk about all the things I have going for me:
I have great hair, seriously. Really great. And fantastic white teeth. A smoking body. I seem, by all accounts, to be a lovely, down to earth person. I was on 90210, and if my two Oscars didn't convince you that I could act, maybe you need to think about how hard it was to convincingly portray someone in love with STEVE F'IN SANDERS. Did you SEE the 'fro-mullet on that kid? Painful. Seriously.
Where was I? Right, two Oscars. And I'm seemingly happily married to Chad Lowe, which means that in addition to being all loved and supported and shit, I get to see that dreamy Rob at all the family functions. I generally seem like a decent sort overall. So things are good with me, right?
Which means we can all sort of just pretend I didn't suffer a massive head injury and decide to wear this unfortunate Rhoda Morganstern cast-off, right? RIGHT?
Come on: I HAD TO MACK ON SANDERS. Doesn't that buy a girl ANYTHING AROUND HERE?
Excellent. Thanks. I swear, I'll do better next time. See you at Astro Burger! I'm buying."
