Oscars

Okay, what is going on with Sean Young?

She's too young to be dressing the way she has been lately. This is the Oscars, Sean! You're still hot! Why are you all covered up all the time? Where is the Sean Young of old, who was all audacious and sexy and crazy and fun and mildly unhinged?  How did you go from that to looking mostly Amish all the time? I ask this question seriously: do you have a rash? Because I feel like I haven't seen your arms in three years.

I don't care if it seemed in appropriate that the star of Honey got to present an Academy Award -- Jessica Alba looked freaking hot at the Oscars.

Gorgeous dress, natural landscaping up top that's not cramped and pinched, glowing skin and a pretty updo... if I looked like this in that dress, I would probably never take it off.

Which is why I'm confused that when Alba did, she went so far in the opposite direction.

I don't even know what that is. A suit? A belted dress? A trenchcoat that's hiding some kind of white cotton jersey thingamajig underneath it? All I can tell for sure is that she forgot to throw shoes into her bag that would look good with it.

She's still not fugly, per se, but that move from A to B... she went from glowing Oscar goddess to the headlining speaker at a conference for mathletes, whose rousing speech entitled, "Putting The 'Sin' in 'Sine'" led to a huge jump in Texas Instruments stock and some naughty experiments with graphing calculators.

Is Naomi Watts really so sick of being called Kidman Lite that she's begun dressing like she got mugged by fabric store for children?

Or is she just really, really bad at dressing to deter suspicion that she's pregnant?

I think that, in this moment, even Jennifer Aniston knew this was a wasted opportunity.

Yawn. A black dress and hair around her face. And a too-long necklace that's fighting with the neckline of the limp-rag-looking gown she threw on in the limo. Totally boring and uninspired and exactly the theme we've seen before. It's everyday Jen, not glammed-up Jen.

How about trying an updo, lady? I know that's a strong chin, but it's not like she's never worn her hair up before. I've seen Friends. Play. Get a little creative. Isn't she walking the same breakup line Jessica Simpson did -- becoming best friends with her hairdresser?

Incidentally, the dresses most people talk about with Jen are the red strapless sheath and the ivory-and-cold strapless empire-waisted gown, neither of which -- Aniston, pay attention -- is black. One exception, if I remember right, was a low-cut cleavage-barer, which at least flaunted her figure. This dress does none of that. And given the PR war raging between Team Aniston and Team Jolie-Pitt, the fact that a small-screen star struggling to own the big-screen was invited to present at the Oscars had to be considered a great opportunity -- and perhaps even a leg up, since Brangelina was busy gestating in Paris. But Jen played it safe, played it typical, on a night when she could've taken chances with color and style to look more glamorous than we're used to seeing her. Wasn't this all about seeing her on par with all the movie stars, not as a TV star trying to break into the In Crowd?

And, even a little, wasn't this about sticking it to Team Jolie and showing off her bod and knocking everyone dead, instead of looking bored and rolling her eyes during red-carpet interviews?

Boo.

FADE IN:

SHARON STONE: And lemme tell you ANOTHER THING, Leslie!

LINDSAY LOHAN: Lindsay.

SHARON STONE: That's what I SAID. Lemme tell you ANOTHER THING, LESLIE. What you NEED to DO is land a role where you show the world YOUR COOTER. But you show it in a REAL CLASSY WHITE OUTFIT. REAL classy. So there's like a....DISPARITY betweeen the COOTER and your OUTFIT. WHAT'S WRONG?

LINDSAY LOHAN:  You're...just saying the word "cooter" really loud.

SHARON STONE: SORRY. Okay, SO THEN you spend the next five years dressing REALLY GOOD.  Like, CLASSY and GLAMOUROUS.  People are like, "sure, we all saw her cooter, but MAN, can she WORK A TURTLENECK." HEY, is that the guy with the CHICKEN SATAY?

LINDSAY LOHAN: I...don't know. Um, it's been great talking to --

SHARON STONE: SO THEN people think you're an okay actress and BEAUTIFUL and then SCORCESE puts you in a MOVIE and you get a GOLDEN GLOBE and then YOU MARRY A GUY and take a lot of TIME OFF and then your HUSBAND gets his FOOT EATEN OFF by a DRAGON at the ZOO and then you have a BRAIN SOMETHING and then more stuff happens and THEN you realize NO ONE IS HIRING YOU ANYMORE and so THEN you decide to -- WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

LINDSAY LOHAN: You're just...it's...um. I'm...nothing. I really should go say hello to Meryl --

SHARON STONE: FUCK MERYL STREEP I'M TELLING YOU THINGS. So THEN you decide to make a REALLY PORNY SEQUEL to the movie where you show your cooter LIKE I MEAN REALLY PORNY and THEN you show up at the OSCARS in a dress that shows your NIPPLES and HAS UGLY PURPLE APPLIQUES OF BUTTERFLIES and you do your make-up using the FREE SAMPLES AT RITE AID with your eyes CLOSED. And then --

LINDSAY LOHAN: Oh god.

SHARON STONE: THEN you do your HAIR in a WIND TUNNEL! And then everyone WONDERS what the hell happened to you. ISN'T THAT A GREAT PLAN FOR YOUR CAREER?

LINDSAY LOHAN: [polite laughter] I really need to go now. But it's been great talking to you.

SHARON STONE: I used to be YOUNG LIKE YOU. CALL ME!

Okay, now she's just f'ing with us.

Last night, at the Vanity Fair party:

Okay. It's totally shapeless - and I hate what I can see of the shoe -- but she's comfortable, right? Because if there's one night when you should favor comfort over glamour in Los Angeles, it's OSCAR NIGHT, right? Right? Who's with me? Oh, wait.

The night before, at a pre-Oscar party:

Please note, this has the exact same collar as the dress she wore above, which begs the question: are these dresses detachable? Because while we've all loved a detail on an item and tried to duplicate it on other pieces, wearing something this distinctive two nights in a row, on nights when you know you're going to be photographed is just, well, bizarre. Frankly, I can't see the rest of this frock, but if it's short, there could potentially be something somewhat 60s and fetching about it, but this is a look you wear once, and then follow up with something totally structured and fierce so you don't look like you're all obsessed with, like, housedresses.

Two nights before, at the Independent Spirit Awards:

Wait, what was that I said about housedresses? Sweet cracker sandwich, woman. It's called a waist. Find yours.

Imagine you're one of the world's first supermodels. (Not Janice Dickinson, though. She might be totally coked out -- we said, might, legal-type people -- but she'd never pull this kind of stunt.) And say you're going to the Oscars.  And say that despite being on the other side of the half-century mark, you're totally gorgeous and aging really gracefully. So when you open your wardrobe, what do you decide to throw on?

Sure. A tribal crotch shield,  be-pom-pomed cropped pants and mocs. That makes perfect sense.

Poor Naomi Watts. After all that "KING KONG IS GOING TO MAKE YOU A STAR! A STAR!" schtick she -- and we -- got fed all last summer,  she's still kind of "that girl who's friends with Nicole Kidman. Wasn't she in that long movie with the ape?" (Take a note from Charlize, Naomi: starring with a huge gorilla is rarely a good career movie). If that weren't bad enough, now there's this:

I don't know if all that flimsy balsa wood-colored hoo-ha along the bodice is supposed to draw our eyes away from what looks to me like -- to borrow a phrase from Star Magazine -- a baby bump, but it mostly makes me wonder if her breasts got caught in a wood shredder on the way to the Kodak.

PS: Color won't kill you. Maybe give it a try!

Charlize Theron goes for her third Oscar nomination in as many years for a role in which she uglifies herself:

Unfortunately, The Sad Tale of the Serial Killer Christmas Bow That Just Wants Union Representation does not have very good buzz.

[Photo courtesy of Daily Celeb.]

Cute girl; hugely unflattering flamenco dress. It makes a crater out of her belly-button. And are those a bunch of loose threads or something, glowing amid all the ruffles? Ten bucks to whoever pulls them just to see what happens.