Paris & Nicky Hilton

November 2, 2009

Paris and Fug

Fug file:

dialogue,
Halloween

[Photo: Splash News]

PARIS HILTON: You make a hot Tooth Fairy, dude.

DOUG REINHARDT: I know, babe. And you make a really great showgirl.

PARIS: UGH. You think I'm a showgirl? LAME.

DOUG: Huh? Well what are you, then?

PARIS: I'm the refreshing cool mint taste of Colgate Total with whitening agents, for a sparkling and surprisingly tart clean that leaves your teeth sparkling. DUH.

DOUG: You are?

PARIS: HA. No. I don't even know what those words mean. Nicky taught me that sentence.

DOUG: I knew it. Great showgirl costume, babe.

PARIS: UGH. You think I'm a showgirl? LAME.

DOUG: But I thought you...

PARIS: I'm a SLUTTY BALLERINA with a HEADDRESS FETISH. DUH.

DOUG: Sounds like the same thing to me.

PARIS: That's because you're really stupid, dude. You put the "duh" in "Doug."

DOUG: Oh, yeah, and who taught you THAT one?

PARIS: YOUR MOM.

DOUG: I love you.

PARIS: I love YOU. Let's go inside and have sex on the bar.

DOUG: DONE.

October 29, 2009

The Fugly and the Fugly

Fug file:

blue

On one hand, Paris Hilton's outfit is literally being held together with safety pins.

On the other hand, at least SOMETHING working hard to keep her fully clothed.

October 22, 2009

Paris Fugton

PARIS: Strike a pose, Nicky! FIERCE! SMIZE! SMIZE FIERCELY!

NICKY: Can I just look bored?

PARIS: NO, NICKY. Be FIERCE.

NICKY: Dude. I just rolled out of bed. I'm trying to just shop like a normal person. Can't I just be a normal person?

PARIS: NO. We NEED ATTENTION. WORK IT.

NICKY: Ugh. I hate being related to you.

October 12, 2009

Fugfugs Fugton

Fug file:

animal print,
SIGH

I'm so glad Paris Hilton felt the need to speak to us through fashion.

[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

Because it wasn't already IMMEDIATELY obvious to anyone within a 100-mile radius that Paris Hilton is always on the prowl.

October 5, 2009

The Fugple Life

Fug file:

[Photo: Splash News]

DOUG: Hey, Paris?

PARIS: Yes, Doug?

DOUG: What time is it?

PARIS: It's... hmm, let me see... Time To Stop Wearing Headbands O'Clock.

DOUG: Are you sure?

PARIS: Let me check again. It could ALSO be Crotch-Flash-Thirty.

DOUG: They BOTH sound right.

PARIS: Oh, no, wait, I can see -- it's actually a quarter past Our 15 Minutes Should Have Been Up Two Years Ago.

DOUG: I KNEW it.

September 29, 2009

My New FugFF

Fug file:

There are days when I wake up and I think, "no one has left the house looking that terribly bad today. Whatever shall I write about?" And then I remember: PARIS HILTON STILL EXISTS.

[Photo: WENN.com]

And she is EXACTLY the sort of person who would wear heels, leggings that find themselves just barely on the correct side of opaque, a stripe-y sequined top, and a hippie headband -- the likes of which I overheard her sister Nicky tell someone she hates while I was at Fashion Week -- to get a coffee. BLESS YOU PARIS. When the rest of the world is all, "ooh, first day of school!" or "ooh, it's fantasy football season," or "ooh, it's cooling off, maybe I'll bake a pie," YOU are thinking, "those celebrity and gossip bloggers need material! TO THE RESCUE! Later, I'll run off with someone's boyfriend, tell the press that I'm pretty sure we're going to get married, get him a job on The Hills, and dump him. YOU DON'T HAVE TO THANK ME."

September 12, 2009

New York Fugshion Week: Day Two

Oh my god, I was just saying to Heather, "you know what I wish would come back in style? Acid-washed mini dresses!"

I FEEL SO LUCKY. I'm going to buy a Lottery ticket!

This...happened....at Charlotte Ronson yesterday, but so did a LOT of things, including Lindsay Lohan MAYBE running in brandishing a gun! (Maybe not. Still. It was fun.)

Also today:

At Preen, famous people worried about skinny people.
At Monarchy, we were promised New Kids on the Block and we were DENIED. I RAGED. I also managed to write several paragraphs in which I did not refer to AnnaLynne McCord as "Drunkface," which was super tough. Feel my pain.

August 27, 2009

Fuggis Fugton

Fug file:

leggings,
SIGH

[Photo: Splash News]

"Dear Diary,

OMG I am a genius. One word: Mile-high club. Two words: LEGGINGS WITH BUILT-IN KNEEPADS. Three words: AWESOME. Or is that also only two words? I don't know. All I know is, I don't have any bruises, Diary! Well, maybe a few, but they don't make leggings with pads there. VICTORY. I can't wait to tell Nicky. She is going to be so jealous, once she stops lecturing me and really stops to THINK about it.

Come Fky My Friendly Skies,
P"

July 24, 2009

My New BFugF

Fug file:

Dear Dubai:

We must talk. It's my understanding that Paris Hilton recently spent three weeks in the United Arab Emirates filming a version of her fallacious search-for-a-best-pal reality show that would be aimed at audiences in the Middle East. In light of that information, I have but two requests for you. One, may we send along a note to be read aloud at the beginning of every episode, in which the rest of America totally disclaims its association with her and swears to your entire geographic region that we are not ALL twit strumpets with an allergy to syllables and vocal inflection?

And two:

Are you SURE you don't want to keep her? We don't really need her any more -- I'm not sure we ever did -- and I think she's actually TRYING to make her boobs pop out of this dress on the red carpet, which means she's effectively attempting to do something on purpose that made even Tara Reid cry when it happened to her by accident. That's saying something. So really... I mean, if you want her, please, we'll give her up. Maybe we'll even throw in the sister.

Pretty please?

Love,
Heather

June 15, 2009

Paris Hilton's New FugFF

Fug file:

Will someone please give in and put her on Dancing With the Stars already?

[Photo: Splash News]

Yes, I know having to deal with her on a major network on a weekly basis will be TERRIBLE, but think of it this way: you can very vigorously NOT vote for her, and maybe she'll stop wearing this sort of ridiculous ballroom dancing gear out and about. That way, WE ALL WIN.

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Paris & Nicky Hilton

Paris and Fug

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The Fugly and the Fugly

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Paris Fugton

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The Fugple Life

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My New FugFF

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New York Fugshion Week: Day Two

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My New BFugF

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Paris Hilton's New FugFF

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