Paris & Nicky Hilton

June 12, 2009

The Fugton Sisters

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dialogue

[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

NICKY: Hey, Paris, sorry about Doug.

PARIS: What now?

NICKY: Doug, your ex?

PARIS: Who?

NICKY: You dated for six months... just broke up...

PARIS: Doesn't ring a bell. Hey, how does my bra look?

NICKY: It looks... like a bra.

PARIS: And my headband?

NICKY: Like you're Bjorn Borg.

PARIS: Who? Is that some other guy you think I was seeing?

NICKY: Sigh. No. He's a tennis--

PARIS: Whatever. I'm bored. I'm glad we don't eat food any more, so that we can just go straight to the bar and WORK IT. Los Angeles needs to smell what I'm cooking.

NICKY: Are you sure it's not too soon to be on the prowl?

PARIS: Too soon after what?

NICKY: It's been, like, six hours since Doug.

PARIS: Who?

NICKY: Never mind.

June 11, 2009

My New BFFug

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So, I'm sure you've heard that Paris Hilton and Doug Reinhardt here have called it quits. It's okay. I'll give you a moment to collect yourself. It was hard for me to process too. Paris has only announced that she was planning to marry seven or eight of her other boyfriends, so it's natural that we all thought this was the one she was going to be correct about. I'm clearly pretty devastated. If Serial Engager Paris Hilton can't make it work with one of Lauren Conrad's plasticine cast-offs, what chance do any of the rest of us have for lasting romantic happiness? In fact, you should probably just call your significant other now and tell them to hit the road. Why bother?

[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

But while we can never know at what exact moment this precious, cherished jewel of a relationship finally cracked and crumbled into thousands of crystalline tears, I like to think that it happened at the event in this photograph, which occurred the night before the PR announcement regarding the dissolution of their tender union rippled across the internets and rent our collective hearts into thousands of pieces. In fact, I truly believe, deep in my now loveless soul (for who can feel love if Paris and Doug Reinhardt are no longer as one? Not I) that on this night in question -- a night I believe future generations will refer to as The Night That Romance Died -- Doug turned around and looked at Paris. And he thought to himself, "That dipshit is wearing sunglasses at night. I'm outtie." And then we all were lost.

June 1, 2009

MTV Movie Awards Fug Carpet: Paris Hilton

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pastels

Dear Famewhores,

Just go ahead and do a backbend on the red carpet and get it over with. God.

Love,

Jessica

PS: I liked that dress better on my Peaches and Cream Barbie.

May 14, 2009

National Lampoon's Pledge Fug!

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Just when I thought Paris Hilton could get no more understated, no more demure, no classier:

[Photo: Mavrixonline.com]

Clearly, she's coming from a performance of her new ballet, Sleeping Around Beauty. I hear it's transcendent.

April 6, 2009

My New BFFug

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[Photo: Splash News]

"What? You act like you've never seen my bra before."

April 3, 2009

One Week In Fuggis: A Paris Omnibus

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I'm starting to be afraid we'll end up seeing Paris Hilton on Dancing With The Stars. Consider the evidence:

1) Apart from filming occasional scenes for the second season of her BFF-search, Paris has very little to do besides wear shiny clothes all day that come with ridiculous accessories:

[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

The weight belt, the glove, the headband... is anyone else suspicious that this is what Paris Hilton wears to the gym?

2) Paris Hilton has zero compunctions about looking as naked as possible in front of camera lenses:

Continue reading One Week In Fuggis: A Paris Omnibus.

March 25, 2009

Fuggis Fugfug

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accessories to the crime

I'm starting to wonder if Paris Hilton has had a mental break.

[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]

That dress is so '80s Soap Opera, it's insane -- she could be on a cover of Soap Opera Digest as a "Who Shot J.R.?" suspect, or the Other Woman who wandered into someone's lavish wedding with a shotgun and a baby. As it is, she is a turban and a cigarette holder away from being a new Norma Desmond, gliding cluelessly around in her crazy-lady face paint and fan dress and slurring, "I AM big. It's the REALITY SHOWS that got small."

Her budding insanity may also have contributed to the following:

Continue reading Fuggis Fugfug.

February 27, 2009

Repo! The Genetic Fugra

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If there's one thing I love about Paris Hilton (hint: there isn't), it's that she's really mastered the art of subtlety:

So UNDERSTATED, right? She's just about to blend into the wall, poor dear. It's really rather sad.

February 19, 2009

Holy Fugging Hell, People

Yesterday, we mentioned Paris Hilton's obsession with texting while the William Rast models stomped past her. Well, she's at it again, and this time she's got company This photo was taken DURING a show on Tuesday:

REALLY? Fashion shows, once they start, generally last a maximum of ten minutes. You can't put that thing down for TEN MEASLY MINUTES? I seriously doubt they're being paid by a media outlet to Twitter their ways through the tents, especially if it meant not even watching the clothes. If I were your mother, and right now I'm so thrilled not to be, I would march right up to your busy little fingers and rip those stupid machines right out of them. You were invited to attend a show. You are probably being PAID to be there. Paid ACTUAL money. DURING A RECESSION. I'm so sure the designer forked over cash for the privilege of having you look bored in the front row the whole time. If you don't want to be there, give your seat to somebody who does. If you do, well, then SHOW A LITTLE COURTESY, APES.

I realize this has nothing to do with their clothes -- we could talk about Paris's dopey white fishnets and giant tie, though; it's what a four-year old might wear in an Olan Mills photo, posed next to a large tree -- but truly, bad manners make you fuglier than anything you could put on your body.

February 18, 2009

Fuggis at Fugshion Week

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dialogue

KRISTEN BELL: Is Paris Hilton's dress in danger of dropping off, while I sit here looking like I'm running the Church Easter egg hunt?

MICHELLE TRACHTENBERG: Is Paris Hilton actually wearing sunglasses inside like she thinks she's Anna Wintour?

JESSICA STROUP: Is Paris Hilton REALLY wearing tights that make it look like she has a giant leg tattoo?

PARIS HILTON: ME!!!!!!!

NICKY HILTON: I'm totally not with her.

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Paris & Nicky Hilton

The Fugton Sisters

Fug file:

My New BFFug

Fug file:

MTV Movie Awards Fug Carpet: Paris Hilton

Fug file:

National Lampoon's Pledge Fug!

Fug file:

My New BFFug

Fug file:

One Week In Fuggis: A Paris Omnibus

Fug file:

Fuggis Fugfug

Fug file:

Repo! The Genetic Fugra

Fug file:

Holy Fugging Hell, People

Fuggis at Fugshion Week

Fug file:

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