Paris & Nicky Hilton

Wow. I knew, in the back of my mind, that Nicky Hilton had been looking skinnier and skinnier in the last few months, but it only hit me when I saw her arrive at the L.A. Fashion Week tents on Tuesday night to prep for her Nicholai By Nicky Hilton show.

[Photo: INFDaily]

Holy cats. I hope David Katzenberg has some Godivas and a steak hidden in that box, because, GIRL, no. Your show is behind you now, so please, do yourself a favor and dive into some sourdough.

NICKY: So, my fashion show is toni --

PARIS: HEY! HELLO! TAKE MY PICTURE!

NICKY: Hey! I look cute back here, and I'm, you know, the designer, so maybe you might want to have me in the forefront of --

PARIS: How is that angle? Is that angle working for me? Do I pop in this red? I really do, don't I?

NICKY: Um....hello? Do I have to just...strike a pose at random back here? Do I have to remind everyone that this is my night! IT'S MY NIGH --

PARIS: Don't you just LOOOOVE my half-gloves? I know it's like 90 degrees today and it's March and it's Los Angeles, and even Lindsay Lohan tossed these out at some point in January, but I thought I should support my sister by showing up wearing the most plentiful and obnoxious accessories available so that people would be looking at ME in case the clothes were like really terrible and ugly. I was going to wear those crazy-ass Kanye West venetian-blinds-style sunglasses, but I accidentally drove over them with my car on the way here, along with Benji's foot. WHOOPSIE!

NICKY: I would LIKE IT if someone would, for once, pay attention to m--

PARIS: I'm also planning on wearing this red to her wedding one day. DON'T TELL.

NICKY: I'm planning on killing her one day. Don't tell. Oh, wait: no one is listening to me anyway.

Dear Diary,

You will never guess what I've got now. Check. It. OUT.

[Photo: infdaily.com]

Doesn't he freaking ROCK? You know how much I've been wanting a baby ever since Nicole got one, but then I realized EVERYONE in this town has babies. It's so ordinary now. But how many celebrities in this town have their very own Wise Old Dude? RIGHT? JACKPOT!!!!! He answered an ad I put on Craigslist looking for a monk, but I'm not sure if he really is, because when I asked him to sing that "I'm A Believer" song as proof he just closed his eyes and cried. He's so SENSITIVE. And colorful! It's awesome, but I'm totally going to give him a makeover next week. He needs some aviator sunglasses and a trucker hat, I think, because you're no one in this town unless you look like an asshole, and they'll never let him into Hyde without them. 

He's already making me smarter, too. We went to this store that's an ENTIRE room full of BOOKS. It's like this whole side of L.A. I didn't know existed! It's SORT of weird that he doesn't seem to want to sleep with me -- not that I really want to sleep with him, but, like, it's the principle of the thing, and I am NOTHING if not principled (what UP, prison thesaurus!), so I put on my best nude fishnets and virginal dress and everything -- but then he started saying something about abstinence, and I could always use better abs, so I'm gonna hold off and just see where he's going with that. Plus, when I kept playing with my split ends during my meditation lesson, he totally broke down and gave me some tips on deep conditioning. Suck on THAT, Nicole! I'd like to see your baby discuss hair products! WHO'S WINNING NOW??!?

Ohmmmmm (or something; I don't know, I don't speak Latin),

Paris

So....I'm confused. Is it possible that Paris Hilton cracked her head in the bathroom while back-combing her hair and when she came to, instead of, say inventing the flux capacitor, found herself under the mistaken impression that her new movie, The Hottie and the Nottie, was going to be awarded the Palme d'Or, or perhaps was on the receiving end of honors from Kennedy Center?

Because otherwise, I'm not quite sure what the reasoning is behind the Barbie Goes to the Oscars look. Let's be honest: in three-and-a-half years, the girl is likely to be releasing a remake titled The Hottie and the Naughty. Maybe she feels like she has to strike the Major Awards Show Look while the iron...I was going to say "is hot," but let's go with "existed."

If GFY had a currency, like Disneyland, or Canada, surely one side would be FUG and the other, FAB, enabling us to make decisions like, "are Ugg boots okay, if it's seventeen below zero?" And on this coin, I can't help but think, would be someone much like Miss Paris Hilton, who is currently at Sundance, surely because she is nothing if not a great patroness of the art of film.

This would be the FAB side:

Okay, technically, it's fab tinged with a hint of Star Trek's Rocking New Year's Eve Party, but she looks cute. I like shiny.

This, of course, would be the FUG side:

Sometimes I would dearly, dearly love to be a fly on the cavernous, chilly wall of Paris Hilton's cranial attic -- some might call it her "brain," but I tend to think of it more of a "head-space."

[Photo: Splash News]

See, I love that Paris's way of braving the chill and the rain in L.A. was to wear a tiny leather jacket, stretched-thin footless tights, a miniskirt, a halter top she bought the last time she felt it was a Chico's kind of day, and a fedora to fend off approximately three percent of all the precipitation. And so it all makes me want to read her mind-leaflet, to better understand whether she checked herself out in the mirror and went, "Hott, I look like a sexy-awesome person who might suddenly give away a bunch of money to charities to make the world a better place, or might do body shots off your nape." Because MY first thought when I saw it was to check if she's currently starring in a mall production of Guys & Dolls: South Pacific.

Remember last year -- so long ago! -- when Paris went to prison, and when she came out she vowed to completely change her life by eschewing all that embarrassing public partying and club-crawling, in favor of abandoning her dumb-skank reputation and using her fortune and notoriety to make the world a better place?

[Photo: Splash News]

I wonder how that's going for her.

[Photo: Splash]

PARIS HILTON: Hello, LOVERS!

NICKY HILTON: I'm just going to look over here.

PARIS: And people think I am NOT SMART. I am smart enough to go out on the drunkiest night of the year with my NAME scrawled in the general area of my area, so if people forget my name --

NICKY: -- or if you forget your own name.

PARIS: TOTALLY. What was I talking about?

NICKY: You're smart enough to prepare for the eventuality of forgetting your own name, or for the very likely possibility of your hook-up being too drunk to remember it, so you purposely wore a dress with it scrawled across your gut in sequins.

PARIS:  Oh, right. You sound smart tonight.

NICKY: Just in comparison.

PARIS: Huh?

NICKY: Exactly.

[Photo: Splash News]

"Hi, Nicky, it's me. Your sister. The blond one who isn't you. Some people call me Paris, although I made that one guy call me Lady Cleavage of the Nude the other night and I kind of liked that better because I don't have to share that name with anyone. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I went through your lingerie drawer after I read your diary -- um, not that your diary has anything to do with this, but I did think it was funny when you wrote "Mary-HATE"  instead of "Mary-Kate" and then drew a devil face on the "O" in "Olsen." Where was I, though? Oh right, your vibrator drawer. I borrowed a slip from you, because after all that itchy, sweaty stretchy velvet, I couldn't handle the idea of that much fabric. YOU know how much I'd always rather be naked. I mean, for one thing, you read it when Man-Paris glued that "I'd Rather Be Naked" bumper sticker to my ass and I kept it for a year just so people would know. Plus, I figure that I wore more material in that one dress than I had the entire YEAR put together! I totally earned the right to wear your nightie with tights. So just deal with it. What's yours is mine, anyway, because I'm older, and that's how it works, which is why I also copied David Katzenberg's number out of your cell-thingy. Okay? Sweet! So... uh, yeah. Call me back when you get this, or one of my other messages. Whatever. Do you have my number? I don't know it but I know it has a three in there somewhere. Bye! Love, Paris. Oh, P.S., I got my shoes from Goodwill. HA! Take THAT, all you people who think I don't do charity work." 

You know, Paris Hilton takes a lot of crap -- including from us -- about all kinds of things: cultivating a public persona of vapid vacuity as though that were a state to be aspired to; public drunkenness and driving under the influence; and all the needless nudity and sex tapery. But you can't say she never did anything for us:

Frankly, it's downright brave of her to demonstrate the dangers of stretch velvet in public like this. Think of all the people she's saved from heinous crimes of figure-assault this holiday season alone!