Paula Abdul Archives

November 3, 2009

Fug or Fab: Paula Abdul

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When I saw this photo in thumbnail size, I thought Paula Abdul here was Jasmine Guy -- her hair is similar to Jasmine's on Vampire Diaries, and I had just been talking about how Ms Whitley Gilbert is MUCH too young to be playing a grandmother on said show, so I had her on the brain. (It has been pointed out to me that Whitley's VD character IS a witch, so maybe she's staying young-looking thanks to MAGIC, and I feel like I might be able to accept that. And trust me, I am happy to see her working, but still. Jasmine Guy is no grandma. Anyhoodle.) Which is why I thought, "is Jasmine Guy actually kind of working high-waisted leather pants? She IS a witch!!"

Look, it's possible that I have totally lost the plot. This is the third day in a row that I've had a fever. Last night, I had a feverish delirium that Ryan Seacrest and I were being forced to perform "Tardy for the Party" for President Obama and I couldn't find my wig. (Ryan was cool about it.) So let's take a looksee in the close-up:

Continue reading Fug or Fab: Paula Abdul.

October 14, 2009

Paula Abfug

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"That's right, American Idol producers. I'm the tiny serving of meat in a Snoop and Adam Lambert sandwich -- the $5 in this particular foot-long -- and one of them is wearing velvet and the other has on Lagerfeld gloves, and yet I STILL look the weirdest. You are going to miss the hell out of me, bitches."

May 14, 2009

American Fugdol

The addition of Kara DioGuardi to American Idol has, if nothing else, reminded me that I kind of love Paula Abdul. I don't know why. I think it's because, at this point, the judging on Idol has fallen into a comfortable rhythm for us all: Randy shrugs and says something that falls somewhere on the spectrum between "totally useless" and "what Simon will say better later;" Paula acts either dependably nonsensical or is surprisingly briefly insightful; and then Simon talks and everyone pays attention. So when Kara and her impressively shiny hair starts yelling in the middle of that and waving her arms around and talking back to Simon and getting defensive about things, it startles me out of my AI-induced coma, and I don't like that. I like to watch AI in a semi-conscious state, paying only attention to the singing and the judges and reading Lucky magazine or playing Wordtwist or whatever during all the rest of the hoo-ha. Kara throws me off my game and also she talks so loud. Shhhh, Kara. Mommy's trying to sleep. Whereas Paula, if nothing else, is a relaxing part of the whole routine. AND she can be counted on to wear something wacky:

[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

That. Is. SHINY. That skirt is like the fanciest Saran Wrap in the universe. I suspect that's what they use to wrap the Rjsfit@#334tyah Day presents on Planet Q9ddd9pw. Which is where Paula comes from, don't you know? It's nice up there, I hear. Lots of napping and coloring books and choreographed dancing. I feel like it's like this every day of the year up there:

Seriously. Look at her up there. Can you think of another person whose life potentially contains more young adults being forced to take part in spectacularly choreographed dances, although that's not the first skill on their resume? And who somehow manages to find it essentially endless delicious, DESPITE knowing that she can dance better than any of those poor suckers? Just her and Usher, circa 1999. Good company there, P. Abd. And where else are you going to find that in the real world? No where. Seriously. Please don't leave us alone with Kara and Randy next season. Please. Simon and I are begging you.

April 15, 2009

Afugifug Ifug

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When Ryan Seacrest had to introduce Paula on last night's American Idol, he actually drew a blank on how to describe her outfit -- finally settling on "expensive."

[Photo: Guess who?]

I think I'd have expanded that to, "A very expensive leash."

Also, what's with the optical illusion here that Paula's right arm is about half the size of her left? Is my camera just trying to mess with us all now? That doesn't seem kind. The woman is wearing some sort of bejewelled harness. She has enough problems.

April 2, 2009

Fugly Gaga

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Now that Fug Madness has ripped off the Lady Gaga Band-Aid, I suppose it's all-systems-go with this one. She can credit her appearance on American Idol last night for bringing her more fully into the barbed Fug fold. It was kind of a terrible performance -- the kind where I could see how the song might be good, and I respect that she actually played the piano, but it was a hilarious mess.

Led by this:

[Photo: You know it was me, people. Just look at its quality.]

As her outfits go, it's not even near her worst. But iIt's almost too on-the-nose: a star theme, for a show that purports to find the next big recording star (or the next Taylor Hicks). I particularly enjoy the cutout sleeve and all the tassels snaking down her leg like tentacles trying to suck her into the jaws of something ravenous. Perhaps it's a pants-eating monster. That would explain all her other ensembles: She's being stalked by something with a grudge against fabric.

I don't know how to explain this, though:

Continue reading Fugly Gaga.

March 30, 2009

Kids' Choice Awards Fug Carpet: Paula Abdul

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Do you think this outfit is supposed to be symbolic? Like, that Paula feels trapped -- bound by the whipping, chafing chains of being on a high-profile national show like American Idol and having to meet everyone's weekly expectations that she try to look younger and stranger and more in-tune with These Kids Today every time she makes an appearance? To the point where all the stress and pressure chills her to the elbow and forearm bones?

Or do we think she's just still a total loon by nature?

I think I vote the latter.

poll by twiigs.com

March 12, 2009

Fugye West and Friends

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Usually, I start watching American Idol when they get down to about ten, and skip the results shows entirely, because the medleys and the Ford commercials and the relentless padding and the MEDLEYS, MY GOD, THE MEDLEYS, make my brain cry. But for the sheer opportunities to ogle Paula Abdul's crazy clothes, the stuff the stylists-on-crack (as opposed to crack stylists) put on the contestants, and the big-name special guests, I could not resist starting earlier and TiVoing the results show for minimum pain.

I was rewarded with Kanye West.

[Photo: My TV. I'm really, really sorry the quality stinks.]

Now, Kanye here must have been rather knackered, since he's been jet-setting from Milan to Paris watching a bunch of runway shows with his extra-terrestrial girlfriend. But I was still sort of saddened to see him eschew his flashier threads -- like all the jackets that look like he stole them from a high-school pep band -- in favor of a bunch of mismatched denim pieces that many people call at least a partial Texas Tuxedo (although a lot of our Texas readers beg to differ, and who can blame them?). You'd think that, after hanging out in Milan, where Agatha Ruiz De La Prada sent models down the catwalk in baguette hats, dresses that look like breakfast, and a skirt with a handlebar mustache -- or in Paris, where a recent runway show featured a skirt in the image of Animal from The Muppet Show -- that we'd have gotten something with a little more oomph. Something a tad less discount from a dude who thinks he's so awesome, he was quoted as saying the greatest pain in his life is that he cannot watch himself perform live.

Perhaps if he could, he'd have noticed this little hitch in his giddyup:

Every time he bent over to touch the fans -- or, in this case, hop up on the desk -- his pants slid further down his ass. I kept rooting for them to drop off with gusto as he reached the climax of the song. Alas, they did not. Apparently the magic of Kanye is that he can control his trousers with his MIND.

He also worked some wonders with his backup singer:

Continue reading Fugye West and Friends.

March 11, 2009

Amerifugcan Idol

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So, every season I tell myself, "I am totally not watching Idol this year," and then every single season eventually sees me on the phone with my parents being all, "I would NEVER vote for [whoever]. I HATE HIS FACE," and then we talk about who we can't stand the most, before covering who we think is going to win Survivor and also The Amazing Race, and then about how my mother can't watch Dancing With the Stars anymore because, while she liked Helio, she thinks Mel B got robbed and she's never gotten over it. It's a good time all around. Especially because every single season I get to rediscover the singular delights of one Miss Paula Abdul. I'm not kidding, every time I saw her in this outfit from last night, I burst out laughing. Not derisively, either. I mean, a little bit. But MOSTLY with actual DELIGHT:

Is this a sartorial homage to the time Fabio got hit in the head with a seagull? Let's take a closer look:

Huh. So it is. Who would have thought such a thing even existed? Bless.

March 6, 2009

American Fugdol: Cycle Fug

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OH PAULA ABDUL. Call me a cold-hearted snake -- look into my eyes, even -- but I am not telling lies when I say that this is straight up terrible:

You've been considerably more coherent this season of AI -- well, as far as I know. I fast-forwarded through a LOT this week. THREE EPISODES IS TOO MANY -- and the truth of the matter is that I cherish you on that show even if you ARE telling people they're the shining star in your firmament of joy and asking them to tell MC Skat Kat you said hello. You look like the love child of a Mary Kay representative and Stockard Channing at her most Rizzo-esque, and yet that brings me nothing but great delights. After all, if this is not you doing your thing, dawg, then what is?

February 9, 2009

Grammy Awards Fug Carpet: Paula Abdul

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First off, I'd like to just say that I am watching American Idol again for the first time in a couple of cycles, and I am glad to be back. I forgot how entertaining Hollywood Week is, and I really like the new judge. And it goes without saying that I am thrilled to be back in the crazy, cracked out arms of Ms Paula Abdul. Or, as we apparently have to call her now, Princess Ladypleats Metalliquad of the Glargflong Galaxy:

She seriously is the prettiest girl on all of Planet Prancyflanfg. I will never forget that episode of Star Trek where she and Captain Kirk almost run off to Oodleskerflong together and get married. You can see why he'd be into her: Kirk could never resist a lady in a beehive, and he could check out his own reflection in her belt/shoulder/glazed eyes.

Paula Abdul

Fug or Fab: Paula Abdul

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Paula Abfug

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American Fugdol

Afugifug Ifug

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Fugly Gaga

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Kids' Choice Awards Fug Carpet: Paula Abdul

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Fugye West and Friends

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Amerifugcan Idol

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American Fugdol: Cycle Fug

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Grammy Awards Fug Carpet: Paula Abdul

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