Posh & Becks

Thank god gay marriage is finally legal in the great state of California, because I totally want to marry Posh:



Yes, there are some obstacles to that plan, above and beyond the fact that we have technically never met. Namely, I am a heterosexual. Also, she is already married. And now I'm going to have to worry about convincing the INS that she's not just in this for the green card. However, these are but small obstacles, as I know that we must share our lives. (Also, I feel like she and Becks and I can totally work out something mutually beneficial.) I love her, and the thought of going through life without Victoria Beckham fills me with despair. I love her sassy haircut and her wicked dominatrix sandals. I love her giant, blingy rings. I love her insanely short skirt and ruffle-esque collar. I love that her dress is made of hearts. I even love her crazy tan. I love her. I would be so sad if she were to go away. And so I must clutch her to my bosom, bind her with matrimonial vows, and never let her go. Cavalli can make our gowns, then I can decide mine is too gaudy and have a big hissy and wear Oscar de la Renta, because that's how I roll. Andre Leon Talley will officiate. Will Smith will perform a medley of "Getting Jiggy Wit It," "Just The Two of Us," and, in an surprisingly self-centered move, "Will 2K." Katie Holmes will stand up for my bride, and Victoria and I will have several hushed conversations in which we try and figure out how to prevent Tom from making an embarrassing toast, and then we will just give up and have more champagne.  J.Lo will stand up for me, because I feel like J.Lo would make an awesome matron of honor: shit would get DONE, she'd make sure you were wearing the finest mink eyelashes, and you know she'd throw you a very fancy shower. We will register at Bergdorf's, Mystic Tan, and Bed, Bath and Beyond. There will be giant expensive sunglasses and sugarfree gum in the gift bags. It is going to be awesome. Victoria, I beseech thee, make an honest woman of me!

Bless that Victoria Beckham. She continues to fuel my suspicion that all her nutty getups are merely a ploy to make people look at her, because she knows otherwise we'll all be gazing lustily at the prime cut of man-loin she married.

I'm not entirely sure where the theme comes into play here -- what is she evoking? Nightie Girl? Captain Bedjacket? I Wonder How She's Keeping Her Bits And Pieces Hidden Woman? Not that the superhero shtick was mandatory; just that you'd think wearing a glorified bathrobe wouldn't be Vicky's first choice unless it meant something. Which is precisely why I hope it means absolutely NOTHING except that our girl Vicky wanted people to stare at her all night while they tried to interpret her translucent whim. Naturally, the whole thing only makes me love her more. Pop a veil on her head and she could skulk around Salem for MONTHS on Days of our Lives, haunting the evil Stefano and dropping strange clues at very public places without anyone noticing, despite her unconventional garb. If we have to lose Passions and its castrating serial killer/drunk surgeon reattaching certain organs backwards/Erection of Doom storyline, then at LEAST promise me Posh hurling poisoned paper airplanes at Roman Brady. It's the least the Fates can do.

[Photo: infdaily.com]

SPORTY: Don't you love my bangs?

GINGER: Don't you love how I sort of look like I'm taking my aging tips from Madonna, with the yoga and the muscles and the wavy hair?

BABY:  Don't you love daydreaming? Like, say, about a time you can take off a huge wrap that makes you look boxy?

SOLDIER DUDE: Hi, Mom! Can you see me? HI!

SCARY: Don't you love going to the hairdresser to get a piece of Mel's bangs action, and coming away looking older and like a flight attendant on a really cheap airline? Take your unapproved electronic devices and shove them up your arses, mmmkay? Buh-bye.

BABY: Don't you miss Posh?

SPORTY: Where IS Posh?

SCARY: Dunno -- who's the really reedy gay dude down the end, though? Maybe he's her stand-in?

GINGER: He has BOOBS, though. I think I recognize those, actually.

BABY: I thought that was Angelina Jolie!

SPORTY: I thought it was a really big Chuck Norris fan!

SOLDIER DUDE: I thought it was Becks!

POSH: Don't you people just love androgyny? It's so hot right now. Well, it is when you get your rack out.  That's what Roberto said: "Are you a man? Are you a woman? Are you everything? I need to see more of your breasts."

GINGER: Bollocks, now NOBODY will be looking at me. This is awful.

SCARY: Well, I've got a hot tip on where the emergency exits are, if anyone wants the demonstration.

It's finally here: The Glorious Ladies of High Camp are back together, dancing, singing or making sounds that approximate it, and no doubt making innumerable amazing costume changes.

[All photos by Splash News]

I loved the Spice Girls the first time around -- who didn't think Geri was rather amusingly cheeky, pinching Prince Chuck's bum like that? -- and am, naturally, beside myself at the prospect of seeing them in L.A. on Friday night. There are few acts that would inspire me to scream gibberish like "ZIG-A-ZIG-AAAAH" in public at my age, and yet that's what I will be doing. Hopefully with a beer in my hand. It's going to be like attending a college party all over again, except with tiered seating, less snow on the ground, and zero chance of me accidentally finding myself in the middle of a keg stand. If I had a Union Jack minidress, I would wear it.

Despite my affinity for Ginger, though, the main event is always going to be Posh -- she who clearly has an awesome sense of humor despite the prevailing perception that she's a sullen cow, she who cracked in her book That Extra Half An Inch that she's always known Joan Collins is her real mother, and she whose clothes are such an amazing source of amusement that I secretly (well, until now) hope that a thousand years from now, aliens discover Earth, dig up a time capsule that's been filled with the entire contents of her closet, and benevolently decide to resurrect the human race on the assumption that we were all that entertaining to behold.

Based on stills from the Vancouver show, I have this to look forward to:

[Photo: Splash News]

SCARY: Listen, I just want you all to know that if a tango threatens to break out, I'm here for you.

BABY: I'm just here being cute! It's what I do!

SPORTY: Alexis Colby, reporting for duty. I WANT THOSE OIL LEASES.

GINGER: I wish they still made Skating With Celebrities. Although, I  just had a marvelous idea. Think of it: Spice On Ice!

POSH: These people disappoint me. Why WEAR the dress when you can tie it to yourself?

SCARY: How about Dancing With The Spice On Ice? Oh, wait, my paso doble would MELT THE JOINT.

BABY: Hey Sporty, can I play Krystal in this scene? Or Amanda? Can I? I love you! I just want us to hug.

SPORTY: Do what I say, Baby, or I'll fire you and replace you with a band member that will. I hate you, BLAKE. Make love to me, DEX.  You're mine in the boardroom AND the bedroom.

GINGER: I am a little frightened standing between these two, I'm not gonna lie. Especially if Sporty is itching for a catfight.

POSH: Seriously, WHAT is the point of supporting a lingerie store and its bloody expensive stuff if no one's going to see it in public? SIGH. Nobody understands. I'm five years ahead of all these bimbos.

SCARY: I wonder if this tour is going to be a bad idea. What if I win my dancing show? What if the world needs to see more of me doing the rumba instead of explaining what to do if you wanna be my lover?

BABY: Oh, don't leave us, Mel, I love you! You're so pretty! Here, take Sporty, she'll beat some sense into you! Lovingly!

SPORTY: You're nothing but a second-rate lounge act, Dominique! King Galen, every time you come into my life something awful happens. Krystle, I can't wait to see you leave here with the same cheap plastic suitcases you came in carrying. YOU KNOW THE WAY OUT.

GINGER: Does anyone know what's going on? God, leaving looks pretty smart now. Was I dumb to come back to this thing?

POSH: Bollocks to these boring glittery idiots. I give up. But if anyone wants to make Pretty In Pink 2, call me. It'll be may-jah.

TOM CRUISE: IT'S GOOD TO BE TOM CRUISE!

KATIE HOLMES: I am a tall drink of water, aren't I? Suck on these heels, Tom.

POSH: What is Jada WEARING?

BECKS: These people all make me a little uneasy.

JADA PINKETT SMITH: I look JUST like Posh. Short black dress, loads of boobs, sore expression. I'm awesome.

WILL SMITH: This party is OFF THE HOOK! I wonder if the DJ will play  "Willennium" if I ask.

TOM: I'M THE KING OF HOLLYWOOD. I don't even care that Katie threw out the lifts in these shoes. That's right, America. THE CRUISES THROW A TOTALLY BOSS PAR-TAY!

KATIE: I don't care what anyone says. I like this haircut, and I'm going to keep it. I can do whatever I want. I control me.

POSH: Is Jada....she's not trying to look like me, is she? She didn't think this was a Posh and Becks themed fancy dress party, did she? This is awkward. Also, I'm hungry.

BECKS: I think Jada's nipple might be popping out of that pillowcase she's wearing. I better look...over there. And think about something else. Like my muscular, manly thighs.

JADA: Is my nipple popping out? Would Victoria check to see if her nipple was popping out? I don't think so. Keep your bitchface on, Jada.

WILL: I'm glad I wore my dancing shoes. Wait until I have the DJ play "Getting Jiggy Wit' It." I WILL be gettin' jiggy wit' it.  I can't wait to ditch the rest of these weirdos and have some fun. Although I bet Becks can dance. Look at those legs.

At today's announcement of the VERY MUCH ANTICIPATED (at least by us. And George) Spice Girls reunion:

POSH: Oi. My tits are killing me in this thing.

SPORTY: I am just SO HAPPY you guys didn't make me wear that tracksuit!

GINGER: Wait. Is this OUR reunion announcement? Shit. I thought I was going to the photoshoot for the Stevie Nicks tribute band I'm in on weekends. Okay. Just be cool, Geri.

BABY: Baby Spice is HAVING A BABY! Doesn't that make you feel OLD? I'm also wearing a teeny tiny cape. Just for fun! 2 become 1!!

SCARY: SUCK ON THIS, EDDIE MURPHY.

POSH: When this is over, I am calling Karl and telling him never to do this to my breasts again.  Of course, then he'll say something totally surreal like, "BOOB TAPE SHALL BE YOUR HAN SOLO" and what do you say to that?

SPORTY: You know what? I'm not going to do any of those karate-style high kicks anymore, EITHER. It might mess up my cute new hair. Everyone can just DEAL.

GINGER: I hope Mel wasn't serious when she told me to get my Union Jack dress back. I mean, she had to be kidding, right? Those slags at the Hard Rock are totally not returning my calls. 

BABY: Ziga zig AH!

SCARY: Geri better get that Union Jack dress back. If she quits the band again, I swear I'll kill her.

Oh, Posh. Truly, you are magic.

A Hooker With An Animal Fetish costume is one thing, but now she's prancing around in something that looks like it was never intended to see the light of day unless she has windows in her dressing room. It's just such an unnecessary bid for attention. How many other people as famous as she is -- with as many designer connections -- would feel the need to show up at a "Woman of the Year" event wearing a repurposed body-shaper? Oh, Posh. "Victoria's Secret" does not refer to you. On so many levels. You are a pretty bad secret-keeper.

You know we love us some Posh. We couldn't be happier that she walks among us in Los Angeles, because it significantly increases the odds that we can bump into her at somewhere kind of pretentious, like the Urth Cafe, and convince her to go shopping with us so that we might better understand how her mind works. Because right now, we're in the dark, and we suspect that borrowing Edward Furlong's Terminator 2 haircut and bleaching the hell out of it might have scrambled her brain.

We haven't deluded ourselves into thinking Posh's taste is always upscale. I mean, the woman's blood type is O-Tacky. But a plastic-looking zebra-print dress with a hot pink bra deliberately showing? Vicky, Vicky, Vicky, that is so Latter-Day Britney of you (although we appreciate the omission of fishnet tights that are slowly rotting around your thighs).

Are you trying to call out to Britney? Are you trying to imply that you have much in common, and yet still much to teach? Are you going to take her under your wing and help her grow an equally outdated short coif so that she stops with the cheap weaves? Because honestly, I could get behind that. If Angelina Jolie is still too busy figuring out how to adopt Lindsay Lohan, then I can't think of another celeb whom I'd rather see yank Britney up by her bootstraps and slap some sense -- or at least, some different crazy -- into her. Can you imagine? They'd eat at The Ivy (or, in Posh's case, just sit there and stir a salad), they'd shop, they'd go to David's L.A. Galaxy games wearing giant sunglasses and cut-up tank tops, and they'd write a book together called The Sister I Never Had, forgetting of course that they both have sisters.

But, Vicky, be careful: Please stop short of hooking Brit up with one of Becks' teammates. We don't need her naming her next batch of children things like Beverly Hills and Sunset Boulevard and Hamlet.

Chanel, of course, is a classic, and there's something fabulous about the composition of this shot: 

I just wish Posh hadn't gone for something SO madly 80s. Cropped aqua jacket...and cropped leggings? Plus her Duran Duran hair? I get it, but it feels so costume-y to me. It's like, I look at her and just smell Poison (the perfume, not the band. You really don't want to smell like Poison The Band, if you can help it. I presume they smell like Aqua Net, cigarettes, hard liquor and bologna). If I were her, I would have swapped out the leggings for a pencil skirt or  proper trousers, or something. And then I would have scampered into the other room to fondle Becks's muscles and giggle. And then I would have called Geri Halliwell to scream "SPICE UP YOUR LIFE!" into the phone.  And then I would have done a series of pirouettes (Victoria is a classically trained dancer, doncha know?) and admired all my expensive handbags. But I would NOT have worn those leggings with that jacket. No, not at all.