Rachel Bilson

Oh, Rachel:

Why so Amish? Why are you hiding your lithe little light under a bushel? (I am including your bangs in the bushel, by the way.) Have you contracted a terrible disease which makes your skin shrivel up should Anna Wintour gaze upon it? Have you taken a vow of extreme modesty? Are you in the midst of a secret but terribly steamy love affair which has left your entire body riddled with hickeys? Are you just really cold?  I HAVE to know.

As I'm sure you've heard, there's HUGE NEWS in the world of foreheads: GFY HQ Girl Crush Rachel Bilson has CUT BANGS?!?!11111!!! BANGS!

We've heard from readers waxing both pro and con re: THE BANGS, and as we've been sort of run ragged by the delicious Oscar shenanigans of this week (looking up how to spell Marion Cottilard multiple times can be tiring!), we thought, let's put it to a vote:

It's no secret that I am a huge fan of Rachel Bilson's style lately. She goes out to get some ice cream and I want to pop up and hand her a Well Played. I just think she's been dressing so well lately. And she's so tiny, but never shows up looking like she just stepped off the midnight train from Stumpyville. So why did Seventeen decide that it would be an awesome idea if she recreated a Seventeen cover from when I was in 8th grade?

SO 8Os. The only way I will approve is if the inside ALSO recreates the Seventeen of my youth, specifically including a photoshoot I have never forgotten despite the fact that it is probably nearly twenty years old: Johnny Depp, wearing a striped shirt, holding a puppy. You know how they say that when you die, one of your loved ones comes out of the light to escort you to heaven? I think it's very possible that when I finally fatally overdose on chalupas or whatever, Johnny Depp is going to emerge from the sky with that puppy to carry me home. In other news, I imagine overdosing on chalupas isn't the #1 Secret to a GREAT BODY, as per that headline, but what are you gonna do?

Just to be clear, I am not saying Rachel Bilson or her figure are fugly, or that dudes won't see the cover of this magazine, proclaim her the perfect woman, and buy two copies to stash around the house.

[Photo: Splash News]

It's just odd to me. Rachel has been doing so well with clothes ON lately. And then GQ sticks her in a bikini like it's July 4 and Uncle Sam is offering up a patriotic beach-party showcase on The Price Is Right -- with Rachel curled up on the prow of a really small powerboat while the contestant jumps up and down screaming and then overbids by $4000 -- and suddenly she seems totally plastic and out-of-proportion. Maybe the designers were too busy crafting the cover lines about squirrel rampages to notice. I mean, obviously, yes, Rachel Bilson is naturally tiny; it's not like I expected her to put on a bikini and suddenly be my size. But I'm not sure why this photo of a lovely, genetically tiny person still called for so much airbrushing that Rachel has turned into a crazy pageant-zombie bobblehead with one leg that looks weirdly small compared to the other. Her face looks frozen in place and as if it's been Photoshopped onto someone else's body.

Also, I hope nobody misinterprets the cover and shows up at work in this bikini, thinking Rachel is saluting this as "The Modern Business Suit." Although it might help you ace a job interview.

Can't we all just PRETEND that yesterday the Golden Globes went off as per usual, and we all got the red carpet shenanigans as per usual, and Rachel Bilson showed up wearing this?

And then we all said things like, "Did you see Rachel Bilson at the Golden Globes? She's so pretty!" and "I just loved Rachel Bilson's Golden Globes dress," and "I think Rachel Bilson showing up at the Golden Globes in that white goddess-y dress was really a turning point in her career, don't you?" Let's just pretend that happened, shall we? Excellent!

Rachel Bilson has been looking so cute lately. Why doesn't this girl have a regular job?

Seriously, someone needs to pay her once this strike is over to do more episodic work.  She was terrific as Summer, she was adorable a few weeks ago in a two-episode stint on Chuck -- where, ironically, she worked in a deli and extolled the virtues of sandwiches that I kind of wish she ate more of in real life -- and yet she only has one movie in the can since. You know, she would have been great in Samaire Armstrong's part on Dirty Sexy Money, but alas, that's not an option at this point. If only I had been consulted.

Fortunately this relative inactivity has not reduced her to a reclusive and messy life of Pringles-stained sweatpants and trucker hats. This dress is flattering, sophisticated, and a beautiful color, and I wish it were in my closet right now. Maybe Santa will drop it there while he's running around picking up everyone's Christmas lists and checking to make sure he can fit down everyone's chimneys despite having thirds at the dessert buffet last night. Come on, Santa. Snap out of the sugar coma.

Dear Rachel Bilson,

Hi! How are you? I am fine. You were cute on Chuck this week. I think you are pretty. I also have a favor to ask.

Would you mind writing a little pamphlet called, say, Fashion For Shorties or Dressing the Heightually Challenged or Little Ladies Looking Like [Complimentary Word Starting With an "L" -- you'll think of something], or...whatever, you can title it whatever you want. Anyway, it'd be about how you manage, ninety-nine times out of a hundred, to show up places looking totally relaxed and chic, but not at all stumpy or overwhelmed by your clothing, despite the fact that you're only, like, three apples high. There are some people I need to send it to (KRISTEN BELL but don't tell her, I want it to be a surprise).

Thank you!

Love,

Jessica

On the Olsen scale, with 1 being "adorably quirky" and 10 being "homeless, deranged, and overly swaddled," Rachel Bilson is quickly approaching a 7 -- which roughly translates to, "Unauthorized use of layers/ill-advised dash of Brat Pack Envy."

Her co-star Mischa Barton isn't faring much better. Although she's eschewed  the popular "wear everything resemblng anything" approach to getting dressed, she has veered sharply into Don Johnson's closet:

The linen pants, were they the right size, could pass. But with those two matching, reedy suspenders that are about as helpful to the trousers as her skin is in covering up that collarbone... well, they are something of a baffling, baggy problem. Hopefully, the bags Brandon is pretending he enjoys carrying all contain garments that don't make her look like she is a pair of designer waders and a bait hook away from her very own bass fishing calendar.

Who told Rachel Bilson she looked cute in this? Was it Mischa? It must have been Mischa. Rachel: NEVER LISTEN TO MISCHA. Her boyfriend is a walking flake of dandruff.

I wish this were a better shot of the full outfit, but even at this angle, I can tell that it's bringing me pain. Each piece looks like she stole it from a costume department: that white thing would seem to be petticoat-esque, as if it's never actually supposed to see the light of day because Dr. Quinn's best surgical dress always goes over it, and that vest feels like Pa Ingalls would be fixin' for a tantrum if he found out she'd ganked it from his trunk. It's four sizes too big.

Don't dress like a dumpster-diver, Rachel. You're too cute for that. And it's not like shirts at Forever 21 cost more than twelve dollars -- splurge a little, okay? If you need help, give us a ring.

But don't call Mischa.

In scanning a handful of photos from the Teen Choice Awards, I have found some compelling examples of people rampantly abusing their decision-making powers. Would a mirror have helped? Perhaps, but maybe it was just a shocking error in taste.

Exhibit A: Rachel Bilson.

Now, Rachel Bilson is adorable. If she'd just stuck with the dress and ditched the Half-Pint hairdo, she might've had a chance. Sure, it's a little rustic, but in a potentially very fetching way. But when she walked outside and thought to herself, "It might get a little chilly tonight -- I need something to cover my shoulders," she marked her doom by selecting not a classy wrap, or a cute coat, but in fact a castaway from the defunct Little House On The Prairie costume department.

I can't explain the choice of hairdo. Perhaps when she fugs it up, she refuses to half-ass it.

Exhibit B: Jojo

This kid is, like, thirteen, or something, which is a little bit ooky for me actually -- I feel like pop music, much like the professional tennis tour, shouldn't let anyone below a certain age participate. But, fine: Jojo has a hit song out while she's waiting for puberty, and so she gets to go to awards ceremonies.

However, Jojo committed the cardinal sin of changing outfits during the show without making sure it was an upgrade. On the red carpet, she chose this fetching peach top:

Very pretty -- she looks classy, if a bit like she's trying to outgrow her age. Still, she acquitted herself well here.

Yet by the time she hit the press room, Jojo had gone completely insane and dressed herself up like a flavor of Hubba Bubba gum: