Random Fug

If you're going with an aggressively striped-and-ruffled motif like this one, go all the way: install a pulley system, so that the hemline can be hiked up or lowered down a la the window dressing it resembles. Otherwise, why bother?

All hail Mrs Boris Becker and her masterful...er, mastery of eye-catching headwear:

I feel like it was between this and two tennis balls on springs attached to a headband (an homage to her husband, of course), and she decided this was just a wee more formal. Frankly, I've seen more tasteful hattery on Vegas showgirls, although I guess that if we've learned anything from Joan Collins as Alexis Carrington Colby Dexter Dexter Rohan, it's that if you're going to wear a tremendously kooky hat, you might as well do it up right.  And also that if you find out that your son has been painting your son-in-law's office with poison paint to slowly drive him nuts, you should probably just keep your mouth shut.

Actually, maybe Mrs Becker should have her walls checked. Slow-working poison is a good explanation for this outfit.

Socialite and heiress Lydia Hearst looks understandably ticked -- when she threw that huge trantrum about why she doesn't have any Greek shipping heirs and Paris has had two, she thought she was so clever petulantly shredding a pile of her family newspapers that she didn't realize until it was too late that her dress accidentally went through as well.

On a separate note, I hope Lydia Hearst soon becomes involved in some sort of scandal or well-covered social-scene hilarity so that Saturday Night Live's Will Forte can play her in a sketch. Come on, drug-fueled three-way with Lindsay Lohan and Benicio Del Toro! Come on, bar catfight with Sasha Cohen over which is tougher to land, a triple axel or George Clooney! BRING IT, ladies.

Oh my God, former Young and Restless actress, I'm really happy that you like your abs, but you're about twenty years too old for this shirt -- no matter what your face lift says.

In fact, I feel like not that many people twenty years her junior would even really wear this today. She was probably sitting at home chewing on some Pepcid and muttering, "I was booted off Y&R and replaced with that younger-looking bitch, but she's gone now too and I have no jobs coming in, so it's MY TURN to show them how friggin' YOUNG I can look! It's time to ho it up, these-kids-today-style, so LOOK OUT, Los Angeles, because mama's gettin' naked!" Whereas, say, Hilary Duff is sitting at home snorting, "Transparent ruffled shirts are the hallmarks of a woman desperately clinging to hipness and echoes of her girlhood," except it got blocked and muffled by her veneers and came out sounding more like, "Um, ew."

This outfit feels like an incredibly poorly executed homage to the one Halle Berry wore when she won her Oscar.

That is a lot of extra material up there flapping in the breeze -- material that might have been better used, say, covering up the black lace bra, whose attendance at this event was so aggressive that it actually required a plus-one on the guest list. Was this dress made by an absent-minded former seamstress to Aretha Franklin, who forgot that not everyone's cups runneth over quite as much as hers?

At least she's wearing a bra, though, which I suppose puts her ahead of three-quarters of Hollywood.

This dress is somewhat unflattering, rather see-through, and wholly hideous -- I mean, lady, I GET IT, you have breasts, and that's great, but if you're so determined to show them off then just call Lil' Kim in prison and ask if you can borrow something -- but there is another reason I wish that this Lina person hadn't worn it.

Quite frankly, her navel scares the life out of me.

[Photo by Daily Celeb.]

That is chapped evil, right there. You are staring into the eye of Satan. Have you ever seen the South Park "Woodland Critter Christmas" episode? If you have, then you'll understand why the words "blood orgy" are so appropriate here. And if you haven't, well, you are figuratively (and in some ways literally) staring at the belly of the beast in this photo. That thing is all monster. Don't stare at it too long, or you'll be compelled to drink the blood of a righteous woman while carving pentagrams into the walls.

What is it planning? Why did it insist on rending a gaping hole into this dress, forcing Lina to go outside in something that does not show her off to her best advantage? Was it hoping to cross paths with a jewelry-toting hobbit? Was it trying to blink a message to the TomKat fetus? Was it hoping to brainwash her into going to a screening of Just Friends, so that Lucifer could use The Eye to gaze upon his most recent cinematic handiwork? What? WHAT? WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH US?

This "Lesa Amoore" woman, in addition to once being in a Corey Haim-related reality show -- and the host of something I don't want to know about called Munch Kidz that claims it's an "animated/family" program -- purports to be a celebrity stylist.

And I believe her. You can tell by her carefully slovenly appearance:

Ms. Amoore plainly wants you to think she was sleeping peacefully until a big earthquake hit, and in a frantic effort to escape wearing just enough that she could still feasibly make all her social commitments, she pulled on the nearest pair of tights -- and snagged them! O, the tragedy! -- and her boots, and her dining room drapes for a little extra "coverage," and made a break for it.

It's the L.A. version of Mary-Kate Olsen's Homeless Co-Ed In New York movement. Yep -- earthquake-chic. It's coming.

I realize that the technical definition of a dress basically boils down to, "an outer garment," but...

... don't you think people are going a little crazy with the bare-bones interpretation of that? I'm not even sure this IS an "outer garment," in that I question her wearing it out 'er house. [Zing!] I know the dictionary doesn't explicitly say a dress should have more opacity than transparence, but I don't personally take that as an invitation to wear an "outer garment" that's little more than some sort of bizarre homage to bondage. And perhaps that is my personal mistake, but changing that will take much more than an outfit that looks like the seamstress didn't buy enough fabric and had to ration it as she sewed.

The outfit British actress Anna Brewster wore to the premiere of the film she recently made with Judi Dench, Mrs Henderson Presents, is almost SO OVER THE TOP BAD that it's good.

But not really:

She looks like Bjork by way of the Teletubbies, crossed with one of Santa's elves, and topped off with a light sprinkling of the Fruit of the Loom strawberry.

Q. What do you get when you take Mary Poppins, add a dash of Merry Widow and a soupçon of Sevigny, divide it by a smidge of Queen Victoria, and mix it together with 1980s boardroom couture?

A. Emilia Fox.

And although I've never met her, I'm confident her breasts appreciate the sleep mask she's provided them so that they can nap through Britain's Independent Film awards.