Random Fug

I love pants. And some people really need to consider wearing them:

[Photo courtesy of Lime-light.org.]

Nicolette, even if you are on a beach vacation, if you are walking through town then you should wear SOME form of bottoms. I'm not asking for cute, or matchy. Just coverage when you are not on the beach. Come on, lady. You're great on your show. Buy a skirt.

And yet some people deploy pants carelessly. Too carelessly.

[Photo courtesy of Daily Celeb.]

Sigh. A dress over jeans? I thought we were over this, Kim Director, Random Starlet With Cute Little Industry-Appropriate Surname. I thought we were done making jokes about whether the person hadn't shaved in two weeks, or cracking wise about a waxing accident. I thought we were through speculating what the point is of wearing a frock over pants, especially one so long that it would make a perfectly sexy dress if worn on its own with some hot shoes.

[We haven't really debated why the world needs a discount version of Debi Mazar, but then again, maybe the world doesn't, and that's why most people haven't heard of Kim Director just yet.]

Sometimes people wonder why we bother putting up photos of the fugsploits of the insufficiently famous. To that I reply that it is impossible to ignore a person who shows up at an event dressed like this:

[Photo courtesy of Daily Celeb.]

Since an Internet search on her name yielded nothing, I will do this young lady the unusual favor of not printing it here. That way, this entry won't be the only thing that shows up when she Googles herself one night, probably while sniffing whatever glue has fumes toxic enough to inspire her to leave the house in a shirt-sports bra hybrid that -- in addition to being an unfortunate sartorial homage to the martini glass -- gives her boob-pits. She won't have to see me recoil with horror at the image of her pulling her pants down, as if to recommend her bikini waxer to me; neither will she learn of my confusion at her choice of turquoise pumps with this ensemble, which as a whole screams, "If I Am Not Actually Jailbait, Then Thank God We Can At Least Pretend."

[Photo courtesy of Daily Celeb.]

Dear Soap Star Lauralee Bell:

Are you so young and restless that you forget to finish getting dressed? These look like elaborate underclothes, and your "wrap" looks like you spread the legs of some black pantyhose. You look unfinished. I'm not sure what is happening here. Please advise.

Thanks,
Heather.

Remember that dorm-room couch you had in college? The one you bought for $50 from Goodwill that had hideous upholstery with putrid green undertones, which you tried to re-cover by tucking a blanket over it, but the blanket always slipped and sagged and left part of the original fabric exposed? So you jazzed it up with strange throw pillows and hoped no one noticed how left-by-the-side-of-the-road the whole thing looked?

"Actress" Kestrin Pantera is the embodiment of that couch:

[Photo courtesy of Daily Celeb.]

I particularly enjoy the massive boots, which -- if you stare at them -- appear to be giant thick shoes around which she wrapped some fabric to make it look like she stole the hats from two royal guardsmen in London and is stomping around with them over her feet.

I don't know who this Dana Chaney is -- all Google returned on her was a post on a Bob Vila site that said, "I need a manual for a Sears Kenmore sewing machine, model # whatever" -- but I do know that renaissance faires nationwide will appreciate her efforts to spice up the genre.

[Photo courtesy of Daily Celeb.]

Young soap star Ashley Bashioum is the anti-Dunst: She's begging people to notice that she's wearing a bra.

Does no one know how to own and operate a brassiere?

[Photo courtesy of Daily Celeb.]

I don't know who this so-called "Erica Durance" is, but I do know that she forgot to take off her bib before heading into the party. How embarrassing.

Okay, so I don't know who Tara Jane is, but somehow she got invited to the US Weekly Holiday Shopping Hoedown, or whatever it was called, and she decided to go in shorts:

[Photo courtesy of Daily Celeb.]

I know it's Los Angeles, but it's also November and it gets cold at night and also why are you wearing SHORTS to an EVENT where there will be PHOTOGRAPHERS? Moreover, why are you wearing shorts that you bought in 1989 at the Wet Seal in the Montclair Plaza?

And why -- dear God, please tell me why -- why are you wearing them with flat-heeled black boots that may or may not be of the Ugg family?

Oh, and also? The bomber jacket? In fabric printed with planets and constellations? A jacket deemed too nerdy to be stocked at the Discovery Store? With those boots? And the shorts? Did I mention the shorts?

THEY'RE NOT EVEN FORMAL SHORTS, NOT THAT THAT WOULD MAKE IT ANY BETTER, REALLY, BUT STILL.

I know I say it a lot, but I really do need to lay down this time.

This woman wrote, directed, and acted in a movie called Kiss The Bride. I just felt like sharing that, since I had to go look it up, as I was concerned she was yet another "designer" who would be inflicting her fashion sense upon the world.

That being, of course, the rainbow legwarmers. Her shins look like scrunchy racks and a discount accessories store. And I realize that heat rises and cold air sinks, but is she that tall that her body has two climates? Her bare shoulders and arms are comfortable, yet her calves needed to wear individual coats?

This is Jenny McShane. You may recognize her from the important work she did in Shark Attack 3: Megalodon, Cyborg Cop III, and Hit The Dutchman, the latter of which I'm not sure is a movie or a game show.

Jen showed up at a fashion show recently in this very special ensemble, befitting the kind of actress who can star in the original Shark Attack in addition to its third installment -- as two different characters, and without anyone being the wiser.

It looks like she took her flannel pajamas to a tailor and had them taper and cuff the bottoms (the better to show off her silver ankle boots, my dear). It's like she's at a slumber party for the children of strippers.

She's inspired me. I'm going to go see if I can turn my ski pants into culottes.