Random Fug

Amy Pearson, it seems, is an Australian pop star of some sort. Having listened to her single on her MySpace, she sounds a bit like....Kelly Clarkson as reinterpreted by Hilary Duff.  Needless to say, it might be hard to concentrate on her sound when she's showing up places dressed like a grape as reinterpreted by a wedding planner:

It's always so sad when a cute girl is cruelly hacked down by vindictive fruit.

This woman is bravely providing Exhibit A as to why one should never knit one's own clothes while watching Season 1 90210 reruns on SoapNet. It all seems fun at first, but then you find yourself gawking at Brandon's fluffy mullet and screaming indignantly at the galling way Brenda gets upset and climbs onto the moral high-ground when the 25-year old she's been secretly dating dares to be upset that she lied about being of legal age. Then suddenly Andrea is going on about  The Blaze being the top-ranked high-school newspaper in the country (ha!) and Kelly uses the word "dorkmeyer" and Brandon's ex from Minnesota tells him he's a "wonderful lover" and then he becomes a total self-righteous douchebag and you're yelling at the television and rolling your eyes so hard that they quit working and you're catatonic for a few days... and then, you wake up one day and the dress you were slaving over only has half a skirt. And because you've been so immersed in their world and their clothes, you start to see nothing wrong with wearing it anyway, over a pair of cuffed  knee-length jean-shorts, because hey, Kelly wore some over polka-dot leggings and she was still popular.

Don't let this happen to you. Oh, don't get me wrong, you should still watch the re-runs -- I believe today is mother-daughter fashion show at which Brenda learns Kelly's mother is a cokehead. But just don't mix the Walshes with your wardrobe.

Well, I suppose it was only a matter of time before Formal Shorts placed a touchy-feely hand onto the knee of The Dreaded Manpri and gave it a loving squeeze.

What's next? We've already seen hints of man-leggings on the catwalk. Will Dress Over Pants be caught copulating greedily with a second pair of pants, giving rise to Pants-Over Pants? Oh, I can't look. It's like The Island of Dr. Moreau over here, except with cotton and no aging, corpulent overlord. And no creepy person-animals.

So really, maybe it's more like the annoying garage chem lab of that girl on Hidden Palms. Either way, I repeat: I am afraid to look... yet cannot look away.

I was considering wearing this to my next gynecological appointment, just to cut down on time:

Too formal?

There are days when I just have loads to say about a variety of outfits. The references to Judith Krantz and Dynasty and Sweet Valley High fly fast and furious. And then there are times when I simply don't have to say anything:

I mean, seriously.
 

Confidential to Linzi Stoppard (who is, according to the Interwebs, allegedly the "hottest electric rock violinist in the world," a statement which is probably accurate, in that she is pretty and I also can't think of any other electric rock violinists):

Just because you're attending the premiere of The Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, you're not required to actually go in costume as the titular character.

Okay, true confession: There is one very specific time in which I might be caught with a dress on over pants. See, sometimes, when I go shopping, I quite pathetically realize I forgot to wear shoes that would be easy to kick off -- ergo, in the sweet, warm cocoon of a store's dressing room, I will often decide I'm too lazy to bother removing my shoes and jeans unless the dress fits my top half and appears to be worth a proper look.

However, and this is important, I will never actually exit the dressing room that way.

And while stage actress Lauren Pritchard was correct to assume this dress didn't merit a proper pantsless look, she presumably only did so because she fell into that other trap: thinking it worked just fine as a shirt because it matched her Vans.

I think we've officially reached the phase where these things should come with warning labels. We are at DressCon 1.

Because what's a party without a dude in a corset top?

* Since neither of us watch So You Think You Can Dance, largely because we don't care if they think they can dance, we didn't realize this guy may apparently be Brian Friedman, a judge on the show. Friedman is also reportedly one of Britney's old choreographers. So, maybe he's wearing one of her old clothes as a tribute to her former glory -- the campy equivalent of pouring some out for your homies.

** Seriously? A corset top?

***  Didn't he used to have more hair?

**** No, really. I know this guy choreographed "Slave 4 U," which is awesome, as well as "Toxic," which is, parenthetically, the best cell phone ring tone for an ex EVER, in case you needed one, but just...don't on the man-corsetry.

If you, like Laura Sanchez here, are a model who uses her big moment in front of the photo pit to stand hunched over with your hands over your crotch, then consider the possibility that your dress is way, way too short.

Or, in Chicken Soup For The Fugger's Soul terms: Remember, a photographer's lens is not a speculum.

Apparently, it was Crazy Tribute Week at Cannes this year. First we had the woman who swaddled her sex organs in the festival logo, and now we get a girl who is trying to out-Bai Ling Bai Ling by wearing a dress made entirely of film.

And when I say "dress" I mean "bathing suit with strips of film glued to it." All I can think of when I look at this is, she is in big trouble if she walks past an aggressive air vent, or an oscillating fan, or a dude with a vacuum cleaner. Or a dog. Or an industrial-strength hair dryer, or a jet engine, or one of those Segways. Or, indeed, any other people. In fact, she might be better off not walking at all.