"Hello? America? Are you looking at my nipples? Just checking. Okay, talk to you later! Bye!"
You make the call regarding perennial Fug Fave, crazy, gorgeous (and sometimes crazy gorgeous) Sharon Stone, who may or may not have had yet another run-in with the vicious, clothes-hating animal so prone to shredding her clothes that we accidentally ended up dubbing the woman Rapid Beaver. For so many reasons. Some of which are very, very juvenile. But some of which stem from the fact that she often looks like she's fresh from a tangle with a toothy rodent so evil it prompts me to make terrible typos:
And yet, I kind of love it. Is that wrong? Tell me what to think:
"And so I said to HIM, 'Yeah, so my hair IS an homage to Luke Perry's sensitive work in that thing about those kids. My LEGS are FANTASTIC.'"
"DELIGHT IN MY GLORY, YOU FOOLS! Was I eliminated in the first round of Fug Madness, HUMILIATINGLY, by some plastic cast-off of McFly's, like Leggings Lohan? NAY! Have countless individuals admitted on the internet that they can't get enough of my furry delights? YES! Do I have to wake up in the morning and worry about whether or not I have been batshit crazy enough to topple that wackadoo, Bai Ling? NO! Can I just eat my Komodo dragon omelet in peace as usual? OUI! LIFE IS GOOD, DARLINGS! I'm just going to put on this lovely suit that's probably lined with baby seal and DANCE!"
"HELLO FRIENDS. I am SHARON STONE. And I am FABULOUS. BEHOLD my white suit, a tribute -- nay, a glorious homage -- to my peep John Travolta. Admit it. I look kind of rad in this. You know I do. For I can do anything: I had a brain thingie that exploded in my head...and LIVED. I had a husband who got bit by a dragon...AND THEN I LEFT HIM. I was the FIRST actress to show people my vagina -- THE FIRST! Well, sort of. Okay, that's a total lie. But for the purposes of my current argument: THE FIRST! I AM LEGEND. And yes, I look like a tapping-dancing maitre d' in this. I KNOW THAT. But I'm an AWESOME tap-dancing maitre d'. AND YOU LOVE IT. You'd look like a refugee from a college production of one of those Busby Berkeley musicals where people twirl around in concentric circles holding giant coins. But I look GLORIOUS. BEHOLD ME!
PS: I AM WEARING A RABBIT'S FOOT, IT'S TRUE. Watch out, I'll use as a swizzle stick in your cocktail if you displease me, HUMAN"
A book, huh? Is it just stuff you already put on the Web site?
Nope, we wrote the whole thing fresh, just for you.
Awesome. In that case, I want to read it!
Thank you! Click here to find out all the details!
