Sharon Stone

"HELLO FRIENDS. I am SHARON STONE. And I am FABULOUS. BEHOLD my white suit, a tribute -- nay, a glorious homage -- to my peep John Travolta. Admit it. I look kind of rad in this. You know I do. For I can do anything: I had a brain thingie that exploded in my head...and LIVED. I had a husband who got bit by a dragon...AND THEN I LEFT HIM. I was the FIRST actress to show people my vagina -- THE FIRST! Well, sort of. Okay, that's a total lie. But for the purposes of my current argument: THE FIRST! I AM LEGEND. And yes, I look like a tapping-dancing maitre d' in this. I KNOW THAT. But I'm an AWESOME tap-dancing maitre d'. AND YOU LOVE IT. You'd look like a refugee from a college production of one of those Busby Berkeley musicals where people twirl around in concentric circles holding giant coins. But I look GLORIOUS. BEHOLD ME!

PS: I AM WEARING A RABBIT'S FOOT, IT'S TRUE. Watch out, I'll use as a swizzle stick in your cocktail if you displease me, HUMAN"

You'd think the worst thing about Sharon Stone's new look was her "I did this by myself with my nail clippers at four in the morning after six Harvey Wallbangers and a cup of gravy!" haircut, wouldn't you?

But that's only because you haven't seen the rest of it:

I have just accepted the fact that crazy-ass Sharon Stone rocks my world. I wish she went out every night, because I feel like that would lead to an ever-increasing stockpile of photos such as this one:

[Photo: infdaily.com]

Why is she wearing a beret and the tail of a now surely peevish beaver, toasting Intern George with a golden cup at the opening of the world's largest Nespresso store? (Which is located in Paris, if you're hankering for some Nespresso, which you will be after you hear the super-porny music on their home page. Apparently, that vaguely General Foods International Coffee-like item just wants to lay you down by the fire and make sweet, sweet caffeinated love to you. Which I guess explains the rakish presence of Cloons. And I guess the "Paris" part explains the beret. Perhaps she also has a baguette hidden in the tail of that there scarf.) 

And why is she out wearing this?

In case PETA isn't already plotting Sharon's death as payback for the World's Most Awkward Fur Wrap (also known as The Second Time Sharon's Shown Us That Much Beaver. ZING!), this ought to put the vegan seal on her death warrant:

That's...a lot of different animals on there. We've got whatever poor funereal emu sacrificed his feathers for her trim; whatever sad, strange animal that contributed to that collar/elbow-warmer concoction that reminds me, weirdly, of what toast would look like if it were made of fur; and, of course, the leather pants.  No matter where you stand on the old Fur Versus Faux issue, this outfit is seriously just begging for a crazed gang of denuded woodland creatures to come barreling out of the woods after her, demanding their clothes back. They have a point -- she does seem to be wearing more than her fair share.

Oh, Sharon Stone. You're so crazy/fabulous. I hardly ever seen you anymore, unless you're out being the amfAR spokeswoman and official auctioneer, which is, admittedly, an excellent reason for you to leave the house. And, if I may be frank, I miss you and your glamorous/wacky shenanigans. I sort of wish you were my neighbor, honestly. I feel like you probably secretly cook, and therefore would bring over cookies sometimes, and then we'd stand out by the pool and gossip about how the guy across the street is always wearing short shorts and wonder how his wife puts up with it, and then I'd tell you all my dating woes, and you'd snort that YOU married a guy who got bit by a dragon at the zoo and everyone's always making cracks about having seen you panty-less before it was popular, so I should just shut up and enjoy myself, and then you'd realize you were missing Dr. Phil and we'd both go back inside. If I were Debby Boone, I'd say that you light up my life. If I were Bette Midler, I'd note that you are the wind behind my wings. If I were Dolly Parton and/or Whitney Houston, I would croon that I will always love you, Sharon. But because I am me, I have to first do that and then note that  -- whether your wrap here is faux or vrai -- NO ONE needs a fur wrap the size of a king-size duvet, not even you:

You look...well, crazy/fabulous, of course, but mostly crazy because -- leaving aside the question of how many bears or whatever had to die for that thing and/or how many faux fur makers worked their fingers to the bone stitching it -- that thing is so big, you basically just look like you're lugging your bedspread down to the cleaners after a particularly rough night of extremely formal party hopping.

Not to mention the fact that a wrap larger than some studio apartments, by definition, obscures the rest of your dress, which is actually very chic:

Introducing Sharon Stone's new line of clothing, called SHARON STONE'S CRIMES:

[Photo: Splash News]

This, the first piece from the hotly-anticipated line, is called HOMICIDAL SHEATH. Keep an eye open for other pieces, including ARMED ROBBERY TROUSERS, ASSAULT AND BATTERY A-LINE SKIRT, and MURDEROUS CARDIGAN.

Oh, nutty Sharon Stone. I secretly love you. Let's be honest: how can I not embrace a woman who bounced back from an aneurysm  the same year that her then husband was bitten by a dragon? Who is always sort of charming and delightful on chat shows? Who works tireless for amfAR, even roping Intern George into auctioning off a kiss for the charity? (That's right: we're microwaving our own Lean Pockets and opening our own boxes of wine this week.) Who seems like she's the kind of woman who would chat your ear off in the line for the ladies room, and even if what she says is TOTALLY CRAZY, at least she would be entertaining, so when you got back to your table, you could be all, "you will not BELIEVE the conversation I just had" to your friends? And while S. Sto sometimes shows up places looking completely kooks, when she sets the phasers to "FABULOUSNESS" she can really pull it off:

So glamourous! And shiny! If I owned this, I would wear it everywhere: the gynecologist, the dermatologist, the podiatrist, the market.

Truly, Sharon has it all. Including, it seems, a very tiny Kylie Minogue of her very own:

"For a woman whose blazer was recently ripped apart by a pack of rabid dogs," Sharon Stone thought, "I look pretty f'ing good."

SHARON: You know something, Dennis?

DEMI: It's not Dennis, it's...

SHARON: MIMI. Right, that's what I said. You know what, Mimi? Working with you and Ernesto was just such a REAL experience...

DEMI: It's not Mimi, and it's not Ernesto, it's...

SHARON: EMILY. I knew it. So, Mimi, this guy, Emily, the one right here... THIS is the guy, you know?

EMILIO: Give it up, Demi. She smells like a frat party. I think she was wearing that tie on her head not too long ago.

DEMI: I just wish she'd brushed her hair. And her teeth.

SHARON: I just couldn't be more proud to be in Bruno, you know? It's about time somebody understood him -- such a wonderful actor, such a tragic early death. People with whatever he had? They are the true heroes.

EMILIO: The movie's called Bobby.

SHARON: That's what I said! Bobby! So tragic, the way he died, and then poof, he was in the shower because it was all a dream that Pam had! Society needs this movie right now. We need to understand so that we can heal.

DEMI: That was a TV show... Were you even invited here?

SHARON: I think that Linus Lohan boy was so good in the part, too. He is dreamy, and I think he has a line on some Percocet. I'm single now -- what do you think? Wouldn't we be just deliciously randy together?

EMILIO: Linus wasn't... I mean, Lindsay... I mean, it's not Dallas. I think you did too many kegstands.

SHARON: That should be your next movie, Emily. Miller. The story of a man who created something legendary, who dared to dream of fermented hops and barley. Something we all just want to dive into and stay there, bathing and swimming in a wet coccoon of wheat, you know? It's important. I'll play the keg. You could put Mimi and her son in it. What's his name? Ashton?

DEMI: Well, yes, actually, but he's not my ... you know what? Forget it. That's close enough. Now I need a beer.

Why are all these people clapping for Sharon Stone?

a) Because she is Sharon Stone, and for Basic Instinct alone she deserves a standing ovation, let alone surviving a brain aneurysm;

b) Because she is headlining a conference on selling one's soul to Satan, and she's just proclaimed, "AND YOU WILL KNOW US BY THE BLOOD OF BABES TRICKLING FROM OUR HUNGRY SUCKLING LIPS, and also, the fact that we have no wrinkles";

c) Because she just shouted the aforementioned statement thinking she is at a conference about selling one's soul to Satan, but actually having crashed an Office Depot Employee Loyalty retreat, and everyone is too polite to correct her;

d) Because they're looking at her from behind, and they know something.

The answer is D.

Well, at least, we assume it's D; it might also be A, B, or C, but D is the only one for which we have firm photographic proof.