Sienna Miller

So, you know that I wasn't thrilled about the crazy-ass thing our old friend Sienna Miller wore to the premiere of The Edge of Love. What I didn't mention at the time was that Ms. Keira Knightley apparently also took a dip in Lake Lackluster herself:


She looks sharp-ish here, but I submit that this is because she's standing next to a woman wearing love beads and a ridiculous hat, and because Keira Knightley is supremely lithe and can therefore suffer the slings and arrows of a white jumpsuit without looking like a marshmallow. They both look sad, maybe because they both realized that one day a fashion magazine will show them this picture and ask them what they were thinking and they're both going to be like, "....Umm."

But cheer up, girls! Happy times are just around the corner! Look and see:

You know, back when Factory Girl came out, Sienna Miller did a bit of complaining that she was only recognized for her clothing and her relationship dramas, and never for her acting. Sienna, maybe part of the problem is that you tend to make public appearances looking like this:



You are wearing a bowler hat and a dress that appears to have been run through a paper shredder, layered over a bodysuit. You look like you're appearing in an obscure Bob Fosse piece, costumed by Chloe Sevigny and performed by a very self-impressed high school for the arts. If that isn't dressing purposefully to get maximum attention, I don't know what is. And while there's nothing wrong with wanting a little attention, once you get it, it's considered unseemly to complain about it.

Many moons ago, back when Britney washed her hair and we didn't know what a Kim Kardashian was, we amused ourselves with a little game called "Busey or Nolte?" It involved distinguishing between Gary Busey and Nick Nolte in photographs -- which wasn't always that hard, but certainly used to be much tougher. Time and plastic surgery have torn them apart like Shakespearian lovers.  Also, I'm pretty sure the game is up forever because there is no way Nick Nolte is going to berate Ryan Seacrest at the Oscars and then try and chug a pint of Jennifer Garner's blood. 

But the spirit of celebrity doppelgangers remains, born for us in them but living on in others. Today, we're honoring its manifestation in two slouchy, sloppy blondes with crappy taste in men. I present: Miller or Moss?

Waif-watchers in the UK know that Kate Moss and Sienna Miller inhabit a similar style, which some might suggest -- and have suggested -- Sienna cribbed off the Queen of Heroin-Chic. Why anyone would WANT to do that is beyond me, but honestly, I'm okay with living in a world where I don't understand what's going through Sienna Miller's head. I don't need to be haunted with dreams in which I am ENJOYING Rhys Ifans dancing naked in my living room with a shoebox on his head, or whatever it is that he does when they're together.

If you are stumped on whether that's Bedhead 2.0 or Original Flavor, this might help -- as it happens, both Miller AND Moss were in attendance at this party, and here they are pictured together:

In a round-table discussion between Fey New York Theater Critics that we saw on a local channel, we learned that Claire Danes is reportedly playing Eliza Doolittle in a revival of Pygmalion.

What nobody mentioned is that Sienna Miller will be co-starring as her boozy, disastrous father Alfred P. Doolittle. Clearly, she's been rehearsing nonstop. Now that's a work ethic.

Oh, Vogue. Why you gotta play me like this?

I'm not even going to mention the Giant Heavy Brows -- which aren't at all flattering to her, although I personally think a heavier brow is often nicer than a too-thin Kelly Taylor Circa I Choose Me brow. So it's not like I am leading some kind of Anti-Brow Brigade, I just think that what looks good on some faces looks positively Crayola on this one -- or the ridiculous fact that EVERY SINGLE HEADLINE is alliterative ("Fashion's Feistiest Icon" and "Perfect Political Partner" and "Fearless Fashion" AND "Magician of Makeup"? Was there no room for "Piles of Positively Peerless Pants" or "Scads of Seriously Sexy Skirts" or "My Mailman Refuses to Deliver This Because It Weighs More Than Some Babies"? Wait, that last one doesn't have any alliteration. My bad). Or the fact that she's dressed like an ostrich. I mean, it's Vogue. Someone has to be dressed like a bird or Anna won't let them go to press. But what I primarily take issue with here is her terrible, terrible, terrible hair. This is what my hair looks like when I get back from the gym (we're pretending that I go to the gym this week). This is what my hair looks like when I'm trying that thing you do where you give up shampoo in the hopes that your hair "gets used to" being washed less often and you only have to wash it like once a month and it's still all full and shiny (this usually lasts approximately three days before my hair starts looking like...this. And then I wash it). I find it very hard to believe that Vogue couldn't do a more flattering up-do. Something a bit less Shit My Poli Sci Paper Is Due Tomorrow And I Haven't Even Started It and something a bit more I'm The Best God Damn Dancer In the American Ballet Theatre! Who The Hell Are You?

I mean, Vogue IS supposed to be aspirational, right?

Say what you will about Sienna Miller's taste in clothes; she's still a really cute girl. In fact, her face is usually the thing that works about what she's wearing -- as in, "Why is such a pretty girl wearing a moldy old tarp that's probably caked in refuse?"

Ergo, it's distressing to see that for her trip to Rome, she chose to hire a box of crayons to do her makeup.

I know that for a big event honoring Valentino's life's work, she is probably required to wear something by Valentino. But frankly, Penelope Cruz at this year's Oscars kind of ruined me on dresses with dramatic feathery skirts. Hers was elegant and fanciful; by comparison, this one looks like somebody stole a red spandex number from the closet of one of my grade 9 classmates and finished the skirt by sewing on the skin of 100 Tickle Me Elmo dolls. Eye-catching, yes, but also potentially disturbing to small children.

But generally, I'm not looking at the dress, because I'm trying so hard to decide which of Crayola's many glorious brown shades -- Raw Sienna? Chestnut? Antique Brass? Or plain old Brown? -- she decided to use as her eyebrow pencil. It's a tad overwhelming. She just doesn't quite look like herself, as if this is her overly shiny and apple-cheeked wax replica, posed awkwardly as if she's ushering tourists into Madame Tussaud's Hall of Questionable Talent.

First of all, I really, really hope that Sienna Miller and Dennis Hopper are dating, just because I think it would make a good story, although I suspect his wife wouldn't agree with me:

Second of all: Dear Sienna, that Fastening Your Shoes Over Your Trousers Thing is never going to catch on. You've been trying it for years, and I simply can't believe it's because you think it looks so rad.  Third of all: while your septuagenarian date looks casual but sharp, and certainly appropriate for this particular event (the concert Princes Harry and Wills threw in honor of their mother's 46th birthday and 10th anniversary of her death, with proceeds going to her pet charities) you look like you're running late for your shift at a local vegan food cooperative. Isn't there supposed to be a "My Name Is: SIENNA" tag on that vest?

On the other hand, I suppose it's better than this:

You know, usually I'd be all, "I like that dress better when Carrie Bradshaw wore it on the side of a bus," and "Leggings? THEY'RE SO OVER" about this:

But honestly, I totally don't even care anymore.  Wear whatever you want, Sienna:  Wear leggings with formal shorts and Uggs, covered in a dress over jeans with your boob hanging out. I'm bored of you now.

When she finds a genre, Sienna Miller really goes for it. First it was boho, and now it's octagenarian: she went from granny panties to Granny's sofa.

Hey, give the girl a hand -- at least she's committed.