Unfug It Up

I think I at least like the concept of this dress.

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But in execution, it looks like she got TP'd. On purpose, naturally, because she's nothing if not fine with you squeezing the Charmin.

November 19, 2009

Unfug It Up: Melissa Joan Hart

Well. This is a TERRIBLE IDEA from Sabrina:

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This dress is like the unholy love child of a French maid costume and Betty Draper's reject pile. I know this is a tall order, dear readers -- a Venti order, even -- but can this look be fixed? Pretend Salem the talking cat has a gun to your head and is demanding you undo what MJH has done to herself. Fix this mess, or the cat will end you. I have faith in your skills. GO:

November 18, 2009

Unfug It Up: Rose Byrne

A couple of months ago, Ms Rose Byrne here mentioned us in Harper's Bazaar (not by name, of course, but I knew it was us because we're the only couple of snarky bloggers who've expressed concern about her emotional health -- because WE CARE, duh), and noted that she is NOT depressed, despite her wan mien in photos, but merely nervous. So I was pleased to see this:

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That's more like it! Such a pretty face, such shiny hair. But...what is she wearing? Let's find out:

It is unusual indeed that I look at a picture of Halle Berry and think, "Eh. Halle doesn't look that great."

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Because she is Halle Berry, and she usually looks great regardless of outfit. But this just fills me with eh, meh and feh, with a dash of blah and whole lot of BORING. Am I correct, or has Sharon Stone just ruined me for anyone else? Can this be fixed? Should it be fixed? How? Why? When? Where? Who? SO MANY QUESTIONS.


November 16, 2009

Unfug It Up: Blake Lively

Ah, good ol' Boobs Lively. She never disappoints.

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Boobs Lively is a fairly apt nickname. They ARE lively. She has great boobs. Let's be frank: The world would see a lot more of mine if they were that awesome. But I'm not sure I'd do it in a top that's quite so "Excuse me, Groomsman No. 3, but the Mother of the Bride would like to see you in ladies' room. Bring champagne, LEAVE THE PANTS."

Of course, I highly doubt anyone in a wedding party, however voracious her appetite for spry man flesh, would have finished the outfit thusly:
This morning, when I Fug-or-Fabbed Kristen Stewart's interesting-if-mismatched-looking outfit, I was doing so without all the facts. Specifically, I thought she was clinging to Taylor Lautner for dear life simply because Robert Pattinson seemed interested in raining three-day-old odor down upon her while he snacked on her spleen. But as it turns out, she may have been nervously regretting her clothing choice. Because when she stalked offstage to maybe OR MAYBE NOT YOU DON'T KNOW HER LIFE sneak into R.Pattz's hotel room for some mopey and unwashed nooky, she revealed this:

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Hola, panties.

I've heard of wanting a HOUSE with windows that let in a lot of natural light, but seeking a skirt with the same properties is baffling to me. Next she'll be shopping for a pair of pants with three bedrooms, central air, and stainless steel appliances.

The question now, which you can debate in the comments (which are now turned on... oops), are: Now that you're armed with all this information, what would you do to fix this outfit -- assuming you think it's broken -- and also:

You might think I would object to this dress on the basis of the giant flower alone.

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[Photos: WENN.com]

Not true. There is potential in that flower. It has gumption. It would walk into a CEO's office, straight past the protesting assistant, and demand to be considered for a promotion. No, more than that, it would impersonate its boss while said boss is recovering from a broken leg sustained during a skiing accident, borrow liberally from the boss's wardrobe, arrange a major deal with Harrison Ford that involves crashing a dude's daughter's wedding just to convince him to take a meeting with you, get a horrendous haircut that's supposed to be more chic and professional than her teased-up ferry-proof hair, dump stupid cheating Alec Baldwin, and then win the day and an office of her own when the boss returns and tries to claim the brilliant deal idea as her own -- all while delivering its lines with the diction of a 13-year old girl who accidentally drank a glass of scotch. That flower has moxie.

But those shoes have a giant blackhead. And the blue print blossoms on the skirt are kind of distracting, like the dress fell down hard and bruised itself. Not to mention that Leighton's lank mane is kind of competing with the bloom that's growing from her torso. There is a lot going on here, and what I'm saying is, I don't think all blame can be pinned on the very dramatic chest flower.

In the interests of full disclosure, or at least as full as I can make it, here is a photo that shows the back:

This one is tricky, right?

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It's a gorgeous dress...if you're a kicky and/or child bride. Otherwise, I think it's kind of hard to pull off, no matter how ostensibly beautiful the dress (or you) are. Me, I'd....well, I'd start by giving the girl some different shoes. These are surely lovely, but they -- and the bag -- make her look like she's just trying this dress on and showing us all for our thoughts before changing into the outfit she REALLY wore outside. How woulod you fix this? Or are you into it, just as it is?

October 22, 2009

Unfug It Up: Martha Plimpton

This is....intriguing.

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If I may be frank ("Hello, Frank!"), I kind of like the fabric, although I think I would rather have it on a series of throw pillows in my fictional pool cabana than on a dress, pillows perhaps to be found under my head whilst Josh Jackson massages my feet and explains that Diane Kruger is SO OKAY with him leaving her for me that she's sent me $10,000 worth of Louboutins as a congratulatory gift. And the dress itself feels reminiscent of Lucy Ricardo, getting up to some shenangians with Ethel while Ricky is very busy doing something with bongos at the Tropicana. And that something, of course, may turn out to be HILARIOUS, but is probably not going to be super ATTRACTIVE as it will more than likely involve a face plant into a pastry of some kind. Listen, Martha Plimpton, what I'm saying is: I want to see more skin. You were in The Goonies. Represent. 

But what do you think? Down here, in the comments, it's your time. Be excellent to one another.
My friend Marissa and I have had the same discussion several times over the last few months, and it is this: Is it possible to wear over-the-knee boots without looking like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman?

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She says yes; I am more doubtful. Let's use Audrina here as a handy visual aid to illustrate both sides of that argument. From the front, to my way of thinking, she does not look as though she's practicing the world's oldest profession. She might be considering it, sure, but she hasn't pulled that trigger. And who hasn't been there, am I right, ladies? Ladies? Hey, you guys? Fine. But you hear me: it's saucy, but not SAUCY. It's sexy, but not SEX-Y. It's SEXY, but not... full-on PROSTITUTION-Y.

Let's look at it from the back:

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