Vanessa Hudgens Archives

August 5, 2009

Fugslam!

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I can see why it's tempting to wear a floaty white shirt-dress on a hot summer day. In fact, I was so warm the other day, I was feeling sympathy for anyone in the world who has ever attempted to wear a swimming-pool raft as pants (and I'm sure such people are numerous), because the idea of being ready to jump into any body of water whose path I crossed sounded very appealing indeed.

However:

To me, this is less, "My, what a refreshing shirt-dress," than, "I totally hooked up with Captain Jack Sparrow last night after we split four flagons of rum, and I woke up this morning and found out we cut up my clothes and turned them into his-and-hers pirate do-rags, and so I had to go through his closet and find something to wear to this talk show, and HOLY CRAP all he owns are ruffly shirts and it seems very impractical to engage in actual mortally dangerous swashbuckling swordplay when you have billowy sleeves flapping around all over the place getting caught on your hilt or scabbard." All double-entendres totally unintentional. Mostly.

April 22, 2009

Vanessa Fugdgens

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Hey, Vanessa?

[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

You don't have to get the pants home first before you can wear them. You do know that, right? Or are you just... wait, I don't have to clarify for you that SHIRTS are not pants, do I? Is THAT where we are as a society? Because if so, then I quit Earth.

March 3, 2009

Fug High Musical

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[Photo: Splash News]

ZAC EFRON: Whoa, V.

VANESSA HUDGENS: Whoa yourself.

ZAC: That didn't look so short when the chick from Guiding Light wore it. I think it looks.... maybe a bit less dumpy on you? But if you were going to shorten it, why didn't you just go the extra half-inch and make it a shirt?

VANESSA: Why didn't YOU go the extra half-inch and wash your hair?

ZAC: Dude, these are all the rage. If knit caps are good enough for Hoffman Philip Seymour, then it's good enough for me. We are both serious actors.

VANESSA: Yeah, but that was because his hair is crazy. For a PART. Yours is your TRADEMARK, Zac. Also, that's not his name.

ZAC: Sorry, Seymour Hoffman Philip.

VANESSA: Nope.

ZAC: Philip Hoffman Seymour?

VANESSA: Three strikes. You're out.

ZAC: At least I'm not wearing a throw pillow.

VANESSA: I hate it when we fight.

ZAC: I thrive on these spats. They fuel me for my future dramatic acting roles in the vein of Hoffman Seymour Philip. I want him to play my father in something.

VANESSA: Oooh, how about, like, Community Theater Group Musical? He could be our characters' mentor, who...

ZAC: You are so cute. But I'm an Actor now. I have Actor Filth, like... Mr. Capote Man... and Johnny Depp. But you go ahead with trying to get that off the ground, okay? Maybe Chace Crawford can sing.

VANESSA: You were nicer with your bangs showing.

ZAC: It's a new dawn, baby.

February 24, 2009

Oscar Fug Carpet: Vanessa Hudgens

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On the red carpet, Vanessa Hudgens told Ryan Seacrest that when she first picked out this Marchesa dress, it was cocktail-length and they extended it for her. But E!, as was the problem almost all of the night, never panned down to show us the proof.

Even as a cocktail dress, it looks a tiny bit like a crow and a dove made a suicide pact to fly smack into her torso. But also, is that not the laziest way ever to turn a short dress into a gown? I'm sure Georgina Chapman was a little knackered from getting her Fashion Week collection together, but still: "Oh, sure, we'll just... hmm. GOD, I need a nap. But I can't keep putting off Harvey by telling him I have to work, or I have a headache, or my appendix is throbbing... Blast. Well, I think I have a yard or three of black left over from making the Fall 2009 collection, I'll just bung that on the end and we'll call it a fishtail so maybe I can get some shut-eye before he comes in with the blindfold."

October 22, 2008

Senior Fug

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MONIQUE COLEMAN: I know I've had this bob for a couple of months, but it's still REALLY CUTE ON ME!!

ASHLEY TISDALE: Sigh.

VANESSA HUDGENS: I can't even LOOK at A. Tis right now.

MONIQUE: Seriously, am I not CUTE WITH THIS HAIR!?

ASHLEY: I knew this hair was a mistake. I look so boring now.

VANESSA: Did Tis get that dress from Forever 21...in 1987? I have totally seen old people wearing it in, like, pictures of the olden times. It's so sad!

MONIQUE: Things are GOOD!

ASHLEY: I mean, brunettes are hot. Look at these two. But me...I might be better as a blonde. I feel sort of....blah with this hair. And the cut is kind of blah. So very blah. I'm not even wearing lip gloss. I just feel....blah.

VANESSA: Whereas my hair is so lustrous, and my boots so very naughty. I feel so young and vibrant.

MONIQUE: I just want to go outside and TWIRL AROUND!

ASHLEY: Am I wearing a headband? Blair Waldorf isn't blah. What's wrong with me, America? WHY AM I SO SAD?

VANESSA: Poor Ashley. She's like the Boring Meat in a sandwich made of Adorable Bread and no one wants to eat her. Or something. You know what I mean.

October 3, 2008

High Fug Fugical

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Clearly, I am going to have to open up a facility somewhere in Hollywood that preps people for red-carpet events. There will be a booth that simulates paparazzi flashbulbs so that you can get a full photo of your outfit and make sure the lights don't burn through to your nipple flowers or create unfair reflections; there will be wind cannons and people to hug so you can ensure your dress stays put in all the right ways; and there will be a whole runway you can walk with a book balanced on your head to make sure you don't do this:

I'm not in love with this dress -- the overlay and the necklace kind of evoke a Cruel Intentions rip-off set in Tinkerbell's high school -- but honestly, what you wear is almost always moot when you're slouching down far enough to get carpet fibers in your knuckles. Look proud of yourself, Vanessa! Throw back your shoulders! Pick up your head! You're young and pretty and the envy of every pubescent child that has a High School Musical poster taped to the ceiling. WORK IT.

poll by twiigs.com

July 18, 2008

Fug School Musical

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I understand clothes that are kind of silly, but really cute, and I also get the concept of stuff that's kind of ugly and cracked-out but highly functional (in certain contexts; I still maintain you need to leave your Crocs at home if you're going to be stepping anywhere near a red-hued carpet). But garments that are hideous AND dumb drive me to distraction.

[Photo: Splash News]

Giving Vanessa Hudgens the benefit of the doubt here and assuming she's got shorts on underneath that shirt, turn your attention to the ugly sleeveless Y-backed sweatshirt. What IS that? While I can't answer that question with anything other than wordless squeaks of bewilderment, I can at least tell you what it is NOT: attractive. Nor useful, nor warming, nor covering anything (like her bra, or ... her skin) that she might want hidden from the peeping eyes of the paparazzi. Okay, I suppose if she anticipated sprouting wings sometime that afternoon and needed a sleeve opening that would accommodate such an unwieldy mutation, we might be in business here. Or if she suffers from a rare body-temperature disease in which her shoulders and a strip of her back become instantly freezing upon contact with outside air, this top might come in handy. Otherwise, it's just... a pointless ugly sleeveless Y-backed sweatshirt. And as the saying goes, a life without purpose is a life wasted. Please, Vanessa, put the poor thing out of its misery before either a) the poor depressed garment takes to smoking crack and weaving friendship bracelets out of hair just to alleviate its existential angst; or b) Lindsay Lohan decides to make her own and sell them for $200 at Kitson.

Vanessa Hudgens

Fugslam!

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Vanessa Fugdgens

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Fug High Musical

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Oscar Fug Carpet: Vanessa Hudgens

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Senior Fug

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High Fug Fugical

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Fug School Musical

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